One day, at a time

I still feel the rush. A torrent of emotions runs through me; like the floodgates of my heart have been burst open. A twinge of something, that felt miraculously like my insides melting. I liked it. Correction, I loved it. And there was no way I wanted this to end. But something else did want it to cease. It wasn't going to last, and I was mentally screaming for that very stubborn being in me to stop, to not let this feeling go away. I felt I was being crushed, by a weight I couldn't ignore and it sat on top of my conscience, like a smug lady. She was tutting at my decision, at my self-control that simply slipped through the cracks like sand through a closed fist.

I was never a fan of arranged alliances. It felt out of place, and for the lack of a better term, very mechanical. I am a girl who doesn't fall for a guy easily. I protected myself from the opposite gender throughout school and college. Saw my friends fall in and out of relationships and thought that I was better off without the emotional upheavals and the awful aftermath of a break up. This doesn't make me an anti-social girl with little or no knowledge of a relationship or about falling in love. I knew what I wanted, well sub-consciously. Though, I had never put words to it. Turns out, fall in it once, and you'll be down there, throughout your life. Or so it feels.

I fell in love. With a guy I had least expected. He was one of those serious and brooding kinds. Definitely, not my type. But sometimes in life you end up surprising yourself in ways you never imagined. And you never know the amount of compassion you hold within yourself until you fall head over heels in love with that person. Sorry, I chose the words like compassion and love just to cover up for the real fact. I was a fool. A love-sick fool who did not get her heart broken by the numerous guys she fell for. She got broken again and again, by the same person. Over and over again, she went running back until she put brakes onto it. It was headed nowhere. But that didn't help with the constant ache she got in her gut when she tried to move out of her delusional love-bubble and brave the outside world.

While I was not only trying to maintain a straight face with my folks and be a chipper person, I had to keep a calm composure in front of guys who were supposedly suitors. We don't use that word anymore. Alright, the alliances I was supposed to get to know, for marital reasons, didn't really help the healing process. While some were downright vile, some just weren't into the deal seriously, which messed my insides even more than they were already. Talk about messy insides, I felt sick each time I ran into a guy. That's right, cute or not, I started rejecting guys as if they could have eaten away the minutes of my already pathetic life if I spent another moment next to them. When I thought I was finally getting good at this process, I ran into someone I couldn't ignore. And considering the mindset I was in at that point, that's saying a lot.

If not perfect, he was just what I needed. The weight began to lift up and I began to feel a little lighter instantly within a matter of days. He was funny, and shared way a lot than what I expected a guy would in initial few weeks. And certain topics were a total no-go if it were with any other guy. But he simply managed to weave his way in and out of his topics, possibly throwing me in fits of giggles or shock long enough for him to get away unhurt. Certain things spoken got me to think more deeply of him, seeing him in a different light. Our conversations went on for hours, which made us wonder if we had anything to talk about if we had ever decided to meet. I began to literally look forward to us meeting. Not that we had decided on anything. But you know how serious you are about something you despised, when you begin to daydream about it. But I don't suppose the stars could bear the smile to stick around on my face for much longer, they decided to strike it down. Not in one go, but in a slow torturous pace, making sure my insides crumbled into nothingness again, leaving behind a giant black sucking hole. The texts and calls slowly began to wane off into the nights, until they stopped entirely. I know I am not really giving a clear picture of what happened. But cliff notes version, imagine yourself signing the hospital discharge papers, knowing that you are almost healed from a recent awful accident you barely survived from. However, when you begin to walk out the door of the hospital, the tube lights flicker out; you are doused into the darkness. And while you feel your way out, you slip on a recently mopped up soapy floor. And while you lie flat on your back, wondering how much worse could your exit from the hospital be, a staff literally runs you over with a gurney, and knocks the air out of your lungs till you collapse, unseen, unnoticed on the hospital floor.

That might have sounded a little unrealistic, but you get the idea now. I have kept my hopes up and let them drown time and again. It's not easy to begin to trust yourself in love when you get kicked in the teeth each time you try to walk into a potential relationship. Especially if you are so in over your head that you turn a blind eye to everything that tells you it's not meant to be. So now, I am left to writing about how wretched I have become because of my decisions or inability to put myself away from any more heart-wreck.

An impromptu plan to visit a friend in another state brought about yet another coincidence. He was there. And there was no way I was able to imagine myself not seeing him. So I rammed through a surreptitious text indicating my arrival. While I constantly jabbed the screen of my phone making sure I didn't miss out on his message, I wondered if I just projected myself as an appallingly desperate creature; nevertheless a prompt text helped push that thought to the furthest corner of my head. He offered to pick me up early morning and keep me at his place till I move to my friend's place. Well, now I know I shouldn't have agreed. But when you see a chocolate truffle hovering in front of you, you generally do snatch it. This is exactly what I did. And now I regret the calories. And, these calories are going to take ages if not impossible to burn. Seeing him, made me realize it wasn't was just a superficial crush, it was more. We held hands, talked; and I ogled at him. Something constantly told me I look foolish. But it wasn't just that I looked foolish, I was foolish. I didn't think much of what I was doing, but when I did, it was probably too late. It's not what you think. Really. But was enough for me to lose my head on it. And I still am. The waterworks are more like a morning, matinee and primetime shows since weeks. And my tear ducts don't seem to give up yet. Well at least they are more determined to drain me than I am to hold myself in.

It's never easy to move on. Not true. It is easy to move on probably when you cut away the parts that hold you back. And that is exactly what I am going to strive for. Not that I am getting anywhere closer to my goal. One breath, one step, one cut at a time. Fingers and everything crossed. I will move on happy and healthy without the need of a man in my life. Period.