My Addicted Son/I'm Really Mad at Us!

Not as much as I used to, but I get really mad him and mad at me. Me for not knowing that he was a drug addict and him for being one. How could I not have know, or is it that I didn't want to know? I don't know. I know very little about drugs, but someone pointed out to me that we live in a culture where it is encouraged to get medicine if you arent happy, depressed, whatever, there is medicine for it. I guess I wouldn't be the type of person that would notice his change in personality because he has always been like that. Not depressed or unhappy, although maybe he was. He was always the adventurer, looking for a new thing to do and he wanted everything and wanted it right now. Has the patience of a week old baby who wants fed and fed now and is going to scream until he gets fed. He also doesn't feel he should have to work for the things he wants, at least it doesn't seem to be that way. I have no doubt that it wasn't his decision to become an addict when he went down that path, but in this day and age of education, wouldn't it at least cross your mind? Why is it that when you become addicted to whatever, your choice is gone!?!? Why can't you choose to stop? Even when you go through rehab, why do you still choose to do the drug? Even then you know it could kill you. Even when you have your best friend in rehab die from an overdose 2 days after they get out and another friend die of an overdose a couple of days after that, why is the choice still to do it? I don't always know when Tyler is using, but I know that when he starts calling and asking me for money every day that its not good. He told me one time that when I stopped giving him money, I probably saved his life. I have finally come to realize that, no matter what, he has to do the choosing. I can't make his choices for him. We were talking one day and he seems to think that money is the answer to all happiness. Money to a drug addict is dangerous. Anyway, he asked me how I would feel if I lost my house, my car, everything I own for whatever reason. I told him I wouldn't care. My happiness doesn't stem from material items, it never has. My happiness stems from whats in my heart. My heart is full with love. Its full with God, my 3 boys and my fiance. As long as I have that, I am good to go and would be happy making a home in a cardboard box. He asked why he couldn't be like that. I don't know and I don't know why I am like that. I'm sure its unfair to be angry and I am learning that he is the one that has to make better choices. My sister asked me one time if I ever think about what would happen if he died? I told her that I do think about that, but, for my own sanity, I can't dwell on that. I would be nothing short of devastated, but I can't be consumed on the what if even though its a very real possibility every time he turns to that needle. He has to choose life, I can't choose it for him.
He got into working out pretty good a couple of months ago. I transferred my Y membership into his name so he could go. Strong body, good self esteem, is on the right path to recovery. He was also buying liquid testerone and injecting it. Its another one of those things that I know nothing about, but he did get caught stealing a purse from someone at the Y and now he is in jail. He is almost on the way to become a habitual offender according to the courts. He decided one time to try and go to school. He got his student loan and paid for school, then he bought a cute little convertible car with the rest. It was in really good shape. He got high one night and wrecked it. Every accident he has ever had has been because he was high. He had a killer job waiting tables at a popular burger place and he OD'd a couple of times because he would go into the restroom and shoot up, while he was working. He has lived with me off and on for a few years, but he can no longer live with me. I can't take it. And I'm mad at both of us for that. I find myself consumed with guilt because I let my younger son move back home to go to school but won't let Tyler come back. But I have let him come back, several times, and it was bad every single time. I'm mad at both of us for that too.