My Love ,My Lie ,My Nightmare

I look at you as you wipe your tears ,l am not certain anymore if these tears are real anymore or they have just become the same crocodile tears you have shed over the years.
I remember the look in your eyes when l met you for the very first time.You have your Navy blue jacket and you were as handsome as nothing l had met before.l looked at your hands ...well l have a weakness for a man with good clean hands.We talk we have lunch and everything between us reminded us of how much we had the chemistry between us.I fell in love with you in that instant.Was l in live with you ? l wonder ...
Being at University and living on Campus always gave you the opportunity to discuss the issues that bothered you with your peers .
I ran to my best friend's room and l and jumping up and down in excitement and s as l tell her about my new catch.
Ruva is always chilled and she looks at me and in a soft voice she softly verbalizes her thoughts"So are you sure you want to drop your boyfriend for a guy you have just met?'
"I didn't say l was dropping anyone but ..he is so cute ..you should see his hands Ruva..you should see his hands!"
My friend has always been the grounded one and l will always remember her big beautiful eyes looking at me in awe at the many times l have come in my excited format and then still remember when she acknowledges my pain when l have been burnt again in my mysteries.
At times l still wish l had the same anchoring in my life l would have handled many other issues in a better way l think.
Years go by ,Uni finishes off and l look at the man l had loved over the years and l feel lucky to have met him again after so many years.
Jack has gone bold over the years though and its a bit funny how we grow up and our mature selves are so different from what we eventually become.
We made promises along the way and eventually it materialized into a traditional marriage.At this point l remember my feet getting cold ,l know that something is just not right but l cant put a finger on it.
You have changed ...no ..have l changed ? l wonder ...
"l think this will not work anymore between ...l cant trust you anymore "
"Honey you have to understand that l love you ...all the other women happen because of something that is beyond my control .l wish l could explain what it is but l can't"
I sit still ,l stare at the blank space on the wall not knowing which way to turn.We sit there in the darkness .Funny how emotional changes can have such a significant reaction and response.I remember this same bed being that bed we shared our passions in ,this is the bed we would scream in and promise each other how we would be together forever and now this is the same venue we declare how much we cannot continue.
'Have you found someone else?" This is one question l dreaded answering because looking at the mess you are in l am not sure if you can handle the answer.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes l do want to know"
"How is that going to help you?"
"At least l would know if l still have a chance"
"Either way you do not have a chance because at this stage its not about me finding some or not but its about the lies you have made me endure over the years"
"Like l said the lies are not my fault but at times l get scared of expressing myself so l tend to hide behind the lies so l can come up with a better story to convince you that l am not as bad as you think"
My brain is racing ,I'm getting confused..
The same talk has been going on for months and at this point l feel like l have been walking through a psychiatric ward.L understand that couples have to talk and try to understand then to be understood.
I look at you at this point and in my heart there is one thing that is clear ...I have fallen out of love with you ,the lies have eventually caught up .
The engulfment of the whole toxic environment l can never explain is suffocating me .l know in my heart that l have tried everything in my strength i could but at this stage l can still look at those tears and they are a reminder that nothing is not going to change...you will wipe the tears and the nasty person will emerge again.