An Out of Order Series of Stories - 1

My Third Crush

I have had eleven crushes beginning when I was four. Most were small and minute. Some I still see today. Two of them have changed me. One of them, I have grown to love. This series of stories won't be sob stories. They'll talk about the individual beauty each girl had in their own way. Some of these girls, I only liked them for their outward appearance. Others, I liked them for external and internal beauty. These stories will also be how each girl affected me, if they did at all.

The first was Emma Kraus. Then there was Katie Bole, Kaitlin Bergold, Nicole Starecheski, Alyssa Pierce and Kiva Walsh. After that was a girl who was so insignificant I can't even remember her name. I'll call her IO for insignificant other. Then there was Carly Danamarie Ballard, Kayla Campbell, Emmalee Cole and Nova Allbee.

Let's just focus on the third one, Kaitlin Bergold, for now. I was in first grade when I started to pay attention to her. I actually have no idea why I started to like her. Perhaps it was just her cuteness with her frizzy, brown hair and her small freckles or it was the way she looked at me and smiled. Maybe I started liking her because I thought she had liked me. I just don't know because it was so long ago. All I know is that it happened and it was full of uncertainty.

One day, our teacher put Kaitlin and I in the same group. We faced each other in that group. Somewhere along the line, we interacted. Our short, stubby legs touched under the desks. I pushed her legs and she pushed back. I thought we were playing footsies and using childish logic, I deduced that she liked me. I thought she was playing hard to get when she said unkind words.

My liking for her grew with time. As the teacher rearranged groups, I would moan inwardly and think 'why does she have to be farther away?'

I had no claim to her but I got jealous when she talked to other boys, such as Matthew Garrison. I thought she no longer liked me. This probably lead to actions that were thought of as annoying to others and to her. In hindsight, I regret this deeply.

At home, I would try to think of a way to win her heart. 'What do girls like? How can I get her to like me again?' I asked myself. I decided to make her a gift. I'm pretty sure it was a necklace. If it wasn't, the same effort was applied to whatever gift I decided to make for her. I went around my house looking for things to put into the necklace. Once the necklace was finally finished, I put it into my book bag, ready to go to school the next day. At school, I steeled myself and gathered courage for what I was about to do.

I remember this clearly.

It happened inside the classroom, right by the doorway. I was facing towards the doorway. To the left of me were computers and windows. Behind me were desks and other kids. To right was a trashcan. In front was her, the most beautiful girl to me at the time. Next to her was her friend, Brianna Curto.

I offered her the necklace and told her I liked her.
At first, she had no idea what to do. Then Brianna told her to throw it away. She scoffed and laughed at me, said some insults and threw the gift away.

With that action, I realized she didn't like me. Ever. I felt so stupid. My chest was tight and I wanted to cry.

I went home that day and cried. I let out heaving, racking, silent sobs. I looked up towards the ceiling and I whispered to God asking why he was allowing me to feel so much pain. But eventually, the initial pain subsided.

I built up walls to prevent myself from being hurt so badly ever again. I never admitted or confessed my feelings for another girl because I was scared. Until seven years later. That girl broke down my walls. I daresay, she came in like a wrecking ball. She showed me kindness and love when- This story isn't about her. It's about Kaitlin.

Only two things scare me. I'm not afraid of heights or spiders. I'm not fearful of dying. I'm not even scared of being tortured. I'll be tortured forever to keep the ones I love safe from harm.

What I'm afraid of is Kaitlin.

I see Kaitlin almost everyday in high school now. She's grown up and looks like a young woman now. I don't know if she acts like one though. I don't talk to her. I'm afraid of talking to her. I afraid of her. I'm scared that she'll hurt me again. I'm afraid that she'll stab me in the heart, twist the blade and push it through.

Sometimes I wonder how our lives would change if she actually did like me. Would I have her values? Or would she have my values? Or somewhere in the middle?

As I grew up, I related this story to a few people without saying many details. They said to me, "It was first grade. It doesn't count." Does that make the tightness in my chest any less real? Does being in first grade discount the way it affected my personality?

Does it Kaitlin?