THE PLACE OF IN-BETWEEN

I have read of a man who described his condition as “neither ill nor well”. I can hardly begin to explain how completely I related to and understood that man. But even more amazing to me than the fact that I related to him on that particular level, was the fact that he lived in the time of Christ. There is indeed a common strain of human nature that connects all men. Please allow me to share my thoughts on this two thousand year connection.
“I am neither ill nor well” How often do I feel in an in-between state. I know well that my life is not in the place where it should be, nor am I wholly where I should not be. I have not done all things well, or even to my satisfaction, but neither am I in complete capitulation to my ills and vices. I often seem to walk through a psychological nether world. In this realm vices are rejected, but not completely. In this place I have not only entertained an evil thought, but embraced it. I have loved to fix my gaze upon things that I should not see, and then chastised myself for having looked. I have often rejected evil, but then have drawn near it with amazement. I have seen Satan spying in through the keyhole of my life, but then threw back the bolt and bid him enter. My life has often been a cacophony of contradictions refusing to be silenced. For every effort I make to be the person that I want to be I am mercilessly reminded of the person that I am. And, unfortunately, as I grow older I am more tempted to despair of ever achieving any lasting improvement. So, here I reside in a landscape of in-betweens: neither happy nor sad, good nor bad, empty nor filled, and, neither ill nor well.