My Sister and Her Funny Butthole

My Sister and Her Funny Butt-hole
My sister is dead now so I can tell this story.
She'd kill me if she was alive,
But I'd better talk fast in case she actually hired those sharp shooters she threatened to have watch me in case I ever did tell.
She knew I would eventually.

My sister's butt-hole was two centimeters from where it should have been.
The doctors didn't discover it until she was in her teens though.
We have this thing in our family about shortened ligaments or something.
The doctors said that the family genetics caused her butt-hole to be messed up.
That's not the funny part.

Because of her misaligned butt-hole,
Her poop backed up in her.
She had to take stool softeners.
Her diet didn't really matter because the poop in any condition would just sit there, backing up and firming up.
Her farts were hell to be around.
She could clear a room quickly.
The funny part is she would because people pissed her off sometimes.

The doctors also suggested she rock on the toilet to help the poop line up with her misaligned butt-hole and clear out of her system.
Our toilet was not sturdy,
And would squeak when you moved while you sat on it.
Like a rocking chair on a wooden floor.
The bathroom was off the hallway next to the dining room.
And if I sat in the dining room,
(Which I generally avoided),
Sometimes I could hear squeeeaaak, squeeeaaak.
Squeeeaaak, squeeeaaak.
I couldn't sit there for long.
That was another funny part.

Because of the constipation she would use a plastic knife from a fast food place to cut up her poop in the toilet.
If she didn't it would stop up the toilet and send water everywhere.
I hoped she threw the knife away each time.
I also knew never to use plastic cutlery she offered me.
Here's why:

My sister LOVED L O V E D Doritos© chips.
Loved them.
For some reason and I never knew why,
She took a bag of Doritos© chips and licked all the seasoning from each chip,
Then put each chip back in the bag.
She didn't tell me what she had done.
I didn't see it.
Later on I sat down next to her and ate a few chips.
Complaining that the chips were too plain.
She told me what she had done then.
I think I hit her.
I know I yelled at her.
And I learned to not trust her after that.

NOW HERE's the really funny part.
The doctors offered to do surgery.
They told my sister they would move her butt-hole so she wouldn't be constipated because of the misalignment.
She refused the surgery.
The doctors asked her why.
She told them this.
She knew she'd pissed them off because she didn't follow their instructions well.
She figured under anesthesia they'd move her butt-hole to by her mouth.
That way she would shit and eat at the same time.
She never did have the surgery.

Moral of the story: Prank now, paranoia later.