Peace of Mind

Peace of Mind
The Birds are chirping within a rhythm of a song which reminds me of summer, the trees are gently blowing with the wind and during this hot summers day it creates just a perfect moment, a shangri-la moment of such during this time of war and destruction. Who would have thought something so peaceful could come out of a day where the news states that the so called 'doomsday' clock is at five to midnight. To make it sound comedic of sorts, 'The Russians are coming!'
Walking through this park I see so many depressing scenes which seem to be what looks to be taken out of a second rate newspaper based of shocks, crimes and tits. All I see are girls dressed to hook, gangs ready to kill and some poor muslamic citizen being abused for the colour of his skin, it makes me wonder; is it such a bad thing that the bombs will hit? What will really be missed?
Coming out of the park I notice a gentleman, who I could tell was 'bad news' from across the road, he was stood within the centre of the street a crowd was drawing and slowly surrounding him. All I hear is "communists are coming, stock up and get a weapon. The end is coming! Soon there will be nothing but marching of the boots!"
You can see the panic among them, the constant hysteria. I decide after seeing this to make my way home, I think that a walk home within this weather seems a more fitting way to go rather than sitting on public transport, I feel nothing is more depressing than sitting on a bus, crowded and noise ridden. Your personal space invaded by someone who feels the same way about the situation so you have that occasional nod to each other but the inside feeling is that you want to get off and walk but you have a slight change of heart as you don't want to 'upset the apple cart'. Causing a scene is going to cause nothing other than an unnecessary moment for you, for the chap next to you and the people next to him and so forth, it seems like just the simplest of things will set of a spiralling chain of effects.
I put my earphones into my phone, its nothing fancy. Just something for the music, it isn't as if I'm out to impress somebody with it. I have an idea, a way of life more like, that if you're getting attention for minor pieces of technology such as your phone then you've probably going about your life the wrong way. Walking along Prince Street I feel the urge to sing, to dance and just to live but I feel scared expressing how I really feel in life, like no matter the expression someone, somewhere is going to judge me so instead of showing my true feelings; like everyone else in this world I simply put my hood up and ignore the world.
Time flies by on my way home, it seems that seconds turn into minutes when you're just ignoring the world.
On the way home I just think, what will really be missed? I mean seriously? Men raping children? Women killing their own children? Children who bully each other? We are a world of violence, from womb to tomb it seems that we just embrace the hate so I feel a bomb wouldn't really do much damage... It couldn't be too bad I suppose, I mean come on... It could only get better from there.
When I was young I wrote a letter to parliament, well to the Prime Minister to be specific and it goes a little something like this;
"Dear Prime Minister
I am writing today because of the dilemma between the United Kingdom and Russia.
My name is Ben and I am 10 Years Old. All over the news I see that Russia is invading our country, couldn't you and their prime minister sit down and talk? That's what my mum wants me and my brother to do all the time. It works, it really does! Very well so I think it will for you too. I hope to hear back from you soon.
Yours Sincerely,
Ben Radley, Aged 10 "
I feel that the general premise would still be the same today if I were to write this but the government would more than likely laugh yet during my childhood I honestly felt that a letter would honestly change something.
I miss my brother, I wish he was here today as he was always the inventive with solutions. Taylor was rather ill so his passing was expected but the speed of how quickly he was taken away from us still scares me to the core even now. After his passing I went through something difficult, what I don't really know how to describe it but I feels that a part of me died with him.
It was announced that leukaemia was curable with a new experimental drug called 'Toxihyrodronine', it was on its human trials meaning that it was working but... it didn't exactly go to plan, we were excited to hear this news and Taylor said to all of us that if there was to be a chance he could beat this then he would do anything for it!
Taylor seemed to be suffering, even more so since the new drugs took charge of the cancerous cells, its idea obviously is to fight it and destroy it but it seemed that the human trials were more than likely rushed. He started to rapidly lose weight and he gone a strange yellow like colour which could only be described as jaundice. He soon afterwards died yet even on his death bed he still looked like the brother I looked up to, after the numerous injections, radiotherapy and weight loss. Soon afterwards the death of Taylor taken notice to the doctor the destruction it caused not only to one person but to an entire family watching their son, their grandson and brother slowly decay. The medication was swiftly taken off the records but we found out it was not only was it Taylor who had taken it but there were hundreds and only one person survived, which in a way looked like a success but in its same way looked like an absolute car wreck. Due to the rarity of this treatment, to actually be able to say you have cured cancer this doctor was treated like a god in the news, in person... Anyone who knew this man had their nose so far up his arse that when he coughed they felt it until news got out of what actually happened, his name was thrown to the wolves of what is the media and he was never heard from again.
As I arrive to my street, I notice a change in the wind as if something is watching over me. A strange shiver was sent up my spine which is weird because as I get closer to home I have a feeling of bliss normally but today was different, maybe it was thinking about Taylor? It brought up a lot of old memories. I know that it certainly brought back some old feelings that I certainly wished never came back.
Oval Street is home to me, it will be forever more. I have lived here since Taylor was ill. Me and Taylor used to come past here when we were younger saying to ourselves with that glistened glazed over look of amazement as we walked down here saying to each other, "One day. One day we will live here together" I made this home to me after knowing he had cancer, I promised him that when he gets better he will live with me and it will be like how we always dreamed it would.
Now coming back is strange to me, I don't feel as if Taylor likes how I treat our home. He always had his ways as do all of us, he thought that the best way to indulge yourself into your spare time is to invent, and I did. I moulded my adult life to how he wanted me to be like, as I in some sense idolized him.
Since Taylor passed I found it difficult being the little brother he always wanted me to be, I knew that he wanted me to be happy and do what I see fit but going through what I did when I lost my brother, my idol it was difficult getting anything out of me. I was taken to therapists, one after the other trying to get me to open up but nothing was there, it was as if the life was taken from me and I just refused to live anymore. After a short while, I snapped out of this phase and just started to live again.
I got a job, a great job actually. I work within the higher ups of a major toy factory, working with the manager but I never got that break, I never got that shove into the direction I needed, I always felt like to really live up to my brothers expectations I needed to invent, I needed to actually make things. I feel that is what he really wanted me to do, I know he always said to me "Be the man you always wanted to be" but I always wanted to be him.
I ended up actually getting a girlfriend, it didn't last long but I found one nether less. She was a natural brunette yet she always tried saying she wasn't, she wasn't a tall girl as she was barely 5 foot tall but it suited her. She claimed to understand me but wondered why I wasn't always talkative and outgoing.
I find myself without a girlfriend and coming to the end of my job. It seems I have come to the end of my job within the toy store as the manager seems to not be going anymore and yet I have no progression to work towards. The shivers ware off as I walk back to home, I open the black gate to get in and you can just smell the new paint smell, it always brings back great memories of me and my brother. I remember how excited he was when I told him what home I brought.
As I unlock the door and walk into this empty house I feel the urge to get my box of memories out, it has old family photos, letters and even newspaper articles about the doctor. As I open the metallic box I smell the past, I smell the warmth these memories bring as do I feel the sadness others bring. I feel the past sneaking up on me and hugging me, wrapping me in like a parent tucking in a child letting them know they are safe. That they are home.
As I look through the box I see all the half-finished inventions that we made, it's a shame that nothing was finished as it would really make Taylor proud of me, it would make me proud of me as well.
I take a long, hard look at myself thinking what have you really accomplished in life? Other than a home and a job? You have no family and no girlfriend, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you feel like it's going to break you, so I take a slow walk upstairs and just half stumble into my bedroom as I have an urge to finish off the first invention me and Taylor actually were making, an adjustable ladder on wheels. I think to myself that I know it isn't a fantastic thing that'll probably benefit the world but it meant the world to us as we actually were doing something together, as a family. I take my overalls out of the draw, it seems to be collecting dust as it hadn't been used in so long, as I put them on I notice that not a lot of growing has happened since then but I go up to the attic to find ladder and bring it down, the wood still as fresh as the day we found it with our carved initials slightly cut into the side in a signature send-off sort of way.
I take this ladder down into the garden underneath the tree and collect my hammer, my saw and nails from the kitchen.
I slowly take my time to bask in the glory of actually finishing this ladder.
Now, I see only one thing left to do as I look up into the sky. I climb up into the tree I was sat under and hold onto the tree as I shimmy my way along this branch and slowly pick up the thick knotted rope that had been tied around my tree for a long time. I look up to the sky and say to my brother "I love you", place the rope around my neck and just whisper to myself "I'll see you when I get there" as I tighten the rope and jump.
I dangle there as I quickly, lose breath. I felt the pain for a moment before everything went dim and my body just hangs forever more as my soul goes up to heaven to meet my brother inside those pearly gates.
I love you, Taylor.