Waves

It has been about two months since my wife and child died in that horrific car accident. I felt like a piece of me died as well as I heard their heartbeats fell silent. It took everything I had just to get out of bed every morning. Somehow I mustered up the strength to do so, but anything further than that was pressing my luck. Of course, I had a support structure in place that I felt was more and more increasingly annoying than anything; I just wanted to be left alone. But even I knew that was a bad idea.

Even the things I enjoyed before their lives were cut short left me feeling rotten inside. This is what depression feels like, I’d tell myself, knowing full well that I was too much of a coward to face it. Faced with that decision, I had no other choice than to find a way to keep going. I decided to finally tell the world, so I grabbed my phone and loaded up Facebook.

It’s been a rough two months. Thanks to everyone who’s kept me in their thoughts and prayers. I paused, trying to avoid to sound piteous. Chase and Carter’s passing has just about broken me, but I’m still alive. If anyone wants to get me out of the house, I won’t be mad.
I ventured out into the empty living room where my two dogs came to greet me. My husky had been constantly on the prowl looking for Chasity. It broke my heart to tell him that she wasn’t coming back. The other one just looked a certain kind of sad; She knew. And she had moved about as much as I did.
I went out on the front porch. The summer Florida sun felt good on my skin. Accompanied with the breeze, I slowly started to feel like a new person. As if all my problems could be blown away like a plastic bag down the road. Life continued to move around me, even though I felt like mine had stopped. It was harrowing.
My feet took control of me and before I knew it, I was down the block at the docks nestled between some houses and a tangle of pine tree needles. I sat and stared at the water for a time barely hearing my phone to a text I was getting. My text tone was especially helpful out on the water:

And I’m prepared for a burial at sea,
but I can see the lighthouse.
I’m praying that these waters don’t take me
because I can see the lighthouse.

Ignoring the tears, I pull my phone out of my pocket and look at the screen. It was my friend Robert.

“Aye tho. You alright? Drinks tonight?” he said.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I need to get out anyway.” I replied, after some consideration.

While I had my phone out, I checked my status to see the multitude of likes and well wishes from everyone. A few I hadn’t talked to in years, even more from more recent additions, and most curiously was one from the girl I’d been in love with back in high school.

“If you want to talk, I’m always here mister. I’ll never be too busy for you.” She commented. I just stared blankly at the screen as if something else was supposed to follow it.

Feeling stupid for just standing there, I willed myself back home, but not before I put my text tone’s song on repeat to drown out my thoughts. The walk back to my house felt like it took hours in my head, but in the real world, it only took a few minutes. Django the husky greeted me excitedly and brushed past me, still expecting someone else to follow, only to whimpered when I shut the door behind me. Yoshi looked at me, yawned, but didn’t move, evidently too sad to move still.

“Come here, bub,” I whispered to him. “I got some bad news for you.”
He padded over and rested his head in my lap. It seems he finally figured it out and was just being painfully optimistic.
“Mommy’s gone bub. I know how much you loved to fuss at her. You can fuss at me now. You’re all I’ve got.” I broke down into tears again. Django huffed and licked at my face, getting rid of the tears before they fell on the floor. Then he stuck his paw on my face, which hurt a little, but I got the hint. I gave him a hug and then went to go find some food.

The hours passed, slowly to me, but regularly to the real world. The door bell rang, shaking me from my head. Robert had showed up with a case of beer and his best fake smile. He was close to Chase as well; she was his romantic confidant in all things regarding the female species. It had been a blow to him just as well as me, but he dealt with the loss just as well as I did.

“How ya holding up, dude?” he started, popping the top off a beer and handing it to me.

“Fine, I guess,” I spoke after a gratuitous chug of beer. “I still don’t have a concept of time or what I should do with myself.

“Well, you have been holed up in here since the funeral. Have you even left the house?”

“Yeah. I went to the store for food. I actually took a walk today. That felt good.” I set the bottle down on the side table with a soft clunk.

“You’re probably gonna hate me for this, but I’m taking you out to the bar to socialize. You don’t have to try and get laid, but you definitely need to be around people. Hell, I do too. You’re not the only one who lost someone,” He scoffed.

I was glad that he cared so much. But not glad that I had to go to a bar. I supposed this was his way of paying me back when I kept him company after his divorce. He was pretty shaken up over it and I made myself permanently attached to him. It’s pretty much what made us best friends.

“Sure, sure. What time is it? I’ll need to shower.” I said, finishing my beer.

“You really don’t know what time it is? It’s just about 8. You need to get going since you live so far away from all the bars,” Robert said. “Also, you’ll be crashing at my house. So bring stuff for tomorrow.”

I went to the bathroom to shower, since I obviously didn’t have a choice in the matter. Secretly I hoped that he would see how torn up I was still, and leave me to my misery. As the water warmed up, I decided to check my phone again. The number of likes and comments on my status from this morning were piling up. Except now I had a message from the girl I used to be in love with.

“Hey there, mister,” she said.

“Hi. What’s up stranger?” I replied.

The little ellipses bubble immediately shook letting me know that she must have been eagerly waiting for my response.

“Well, this might be a crappy time to mention it, I saw what happened, and I can’t stop the feeling that I need to be with you somehow. Even if it’s just to help for a little while.”

“That would be nice, I guess. I’m not exactly the best host right now, but I know better than to try and stop you. When were you trying to visit?”

“In about an hour. I messaged you earlier but you didn’t answer. So I grabbed a flight closest to the city logged on your Facebook. I’ll be landing in Pensacola in 45 minutes.”

“Wow. Okay. Do you need me to pick you up then?”

“That would be swell, mister. See you in an hour. Gotta hop on my flight.”

I threw the song on again as I hopped in the shower. And once again the lyrics seemed to figure me out:

You knew the way things were
You knew the way things would be
You knew exactly how it ends
And I can see the lighthouse