How did I get here?

I jumped into domestication with both feet. It wasn't really a decision. It was more like a skydiving adventure. Totally on impulse, no thought was put into the decision whatsoever. I'm sure I put more thought and consideration into what I should have for dinner, than I did about having children and getting married.

The children were all the byproduct of a wonderful night (or day) of fun, fun, fun! They are loved and wanted. But I did not think about having them. The marriage was a result of an emotional night of fighting and crying. He proposed, I accepted. But I didn't for a second, think about it. The department store wedding dress, the Justice of the Peace wedding, the Atlantic City 'honeymoon". Nope - not a thought. Just hopped on my surfboard and rode the wave.

You see, that's who I was. I was the girl who just rode the wave. Follow life and see where it takes you. The problem with that is you can catch a wave that takes you away from what you really want. Next thing you know, you've crashed in MarriedWithChildren Town, USA.

Now don't get me wrong, a part of me loved living the domestic life. I come from a long line of single women and fatherless children. I imagined myself as the HOPE for the family. I had a husband. We were the successful, attractive family. I wore it like a badge. My children were well cared for, well dressed and smart. I was the mother of all mothers, wife of all wives. Cook, clean, work, family first! Cook, clean, work, family first. Cookcleanworkfamilyfirst...

But I was empty. I was broken and lost. There were no waves to catch. No place to surf to. My children have their own lives and my husband was a ghost in my life. He never forgot how to chase his dreams, so he kept chasing them. He didn't lose himself in marriage and fatherhood. Partly because he was never really in the marriage and wasn't much of a father - but that's a different story for another day.

Fast forward twenty years. I am no longer married, my children are pretty much adults. I'm both 40-something and 20-something at the same time. I've lived a full life yet I have no clue who I am. I'm excited and lonely. My friends think I'm batshit crazy because I'm not dating yet. The truth is I'm dating myself. One thing I know for sure: I am going to take a little time to think about what I want and who I am, and then I'm going dust off my surfboard and find the next wave.