Snow Angel

He was lost but found. Romance for Winter Round

There comes a time in one's life when we shouldn't have to explain our situation. We need to just live our lives the best way we know how. I simply lost my way and if I knew of one good reason why then I probably wouldn't be here; standing in a line up at the soup kitchen in the middle of January. Still I find myself looking around at others trying to shake off the chill of depression that seeps in my bones. Besides being hungry I had to start thinking about where I will lay my head for the oncoming night. I know I can't go back to the shelter. I had my three days of warmth and that is all they would give me. The man standing in front of me is talking to himself; nothing that makes a grain of sense but I still find myself listening.

I try and focus on the smell of whatever it is they are serving for dinner. Meatloaf maybe. I like meatloaf because it is the closest thing to a home cooked meal that is warm and filling.

“Good day to you sir. Can I offer you potatoes with your meal, or we also have to different vegetables on the menu. What can I get you?”

He is staring at me and I know I should look up but I find myself looking at my feet feeling as low as the ground itself. “Sure, um the potatoes are fine and just put everything on there.”

The man smiled and I have no choice but to look up in order to take the plate and put it on my tray. He smiles at me, “Have a good day sir.”

I have to wonder what he means by that. How could anyone in here have a good day. We are homeless, begging for food. I shake my head looking for a place to sit. This is the busiest time of day to eat at the shelter. The noise of children screaming and mothers with no patience start to get on my nerves so I pack it in early leaving behind a half finished meal and what could be the last of my warmth for the day.

Strolling up the main street of the city I see people walking arm in arm with loved ones. Smiles from kisses. Listening to people exclaim what they received for Christmas, some even disappointed. Honestly some people have no idea how good they have it. In my head I try to envision my last good Christmas but it is slowly becoming a blur. The memories are there but the emotions have slowly gone to a lull. One can only cry for so long. I think a year and a half is long enough. I have grown numb to emotion towards anything, good or bad. One's heart is a fragile thing and when it breaks to the brink of shatter, you shut down.

The wind is picking up with a gust of blowing snow. With no time to prepare I find myself in the entrance of an old bar. This is the last place I would have chosen due to my own drinking problem, but I have to pull it together for a while anyway. Couples come and go leaving a waft of alcohol linger in the cold air. It smells so good that I almost find myself opening that door, but I have been sober for some time now, long enough to remember what brought me here. That night three years ago when my life turned upside down ripping the very core of my being out of it's shell.

There is no forgiveness for drinking and driving. None what so ever, especially when it's your own family that you laid on the line. There are flashes of my wife staring at me just before we went into the other lane. She was smiling at me with a twinkle in her eye. Oh, what have I done? I inhale the deepest breath hoping the winter cold would just freeze my insides to death. I want to be with her. I can't cry, I can't breath and I can't take it back. I wasn't strong enough to carry on. My two children will never know their mother and certainly could never count on me to raise them. One day they will be older and hear what happened and hate me. I hate myself enough. Looking at them everyday and wonder how much they will resent me is nothing I could ever handle. They deserve better. I left, I just left. Sometimes I wish I were in jail. At least then I would have to toughen up to survive.
I remember that police officer being so gentle with me when he told me my wife was gone. The investigation showed that the car behind us lost control and pushed us into the other lane. They didn't question me what so ever, but I know I was drinking that night. Even if it was two drinks it could have interrupted my defense driving.

My thoughts are disrupted by voices of people leaving the bar. I watch them leave hand in hand and laughing from beverages of the spirit. I start walking behind them, just to blend in the crowd. My body is tired and I still have to find a place to sleep. Thoughts of my wife stay with me as I find myself sitting on a bench under a park shelter. The snow is coming down in big fluffy flakes. I grab my coat hugging it tighter to me and I guess I dozed off.
I woke up to warmth around me, almost like a hug. “Honey, is that you? It can't be.”

“It's me Charlie. You have to stop this. Your children need you. I'm okay Charlie. You have to be okay too. I am here with you always. You can't blame yourself anymore. I love you.”

Chilled to the bone, my eyes open and nothing is there. I was dreaming. It felt so real though. She was here, I felt her. The fresh snow lay like a fluffy blanket. Glancing to step down off the stairs I am taken back by a snow angel. An angle formed in the snow, but there are no prints. How could someone make a snow angel without walking through the snow?

Thoughts of so many kinds were running through my mind that I was confused to as what was real and what wasn't. I need coffee. My pockets were starting to wear a hole in them. The change was so little that I could grab the few coins with a pinch of my fingers. Enough for a coffee would be a salvation. The doors open to a coffee shop that was probably a little more expensive than I thought. People were chatting as I walk in, but the voices hush as I feel them staring at me. I keep my head down and walk to a table in the corner away from the normal crowd. I try to run my fingers through my hair and feel a little more human. Interrupted by the waitress, “What can I get you?”

“Just a coffee please. “

“Sorry sir but if you want a coffee you have to have something with it. A croissant or a muffin. You have to have something else.”

“I don't have enough to order...

This woman walks right up to my table. A complete stranger and sits at the table. “Oh my, Charlie. I am so glad I found you. It's been weeks Charlie. You should have called home.” Her hair was pinned up and her face flawless due to the perfected makeup. I wasn't even sure I knew her but she knows my name. She grabbed the waitresses arm gently, “Listen sweetie, get us two coffees and two muffins for Charlie here and one for myself.”

The waitress left in a hurry leaving this woman to turn to me and smile. A small smile but her eyes were so gentle.

“I am a little confused. I am not sure I know who you are and how do you know me?” My hands grow sweaty so I wipe them on the thighs of my legs. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel nervous and backed into a corner.
“Listen Charlie, I know it seems odd that someone like myself would come looking for you. I realize you have no clue as to I am, but I assure you that I am here for your best interests. I believe you have two children that really miss their father. They are confused as to what happened. You don't have to answer this right now, but I have to ask. Do you really think your wife would have wanted their children to be raised by distant family?”

The children. The children are with distant family? What have I done?
“Who are you? How would you even know where to find me, and who on earth is caring for my children? When I left, it was my in laws who had them.”
She reached across the table and took my hand and held in a firm hold. “I am sorry, but your in laws couldn't handle it. They were still grieving for their daughter. They weren't strong enough. Charlie, I have your children. I am Lilly's half sister, Kira Rolland and I know you have never met me and that was for reasons I can't answer, but my mother called me and, well I had no choice. Don't get me wrong, they are wonderful kids, both of them. But right is right, and things aren't right. They need their father.”

I sat back in my chair and tried to regain focus. It was as though everything hit me all over again. The tears welled up and I felt the hurt again. I felt the loss of my wife and my kids. I didn't belong out here. I needed my family back.

“Where are they? Bring me to them. Now.” I rose up from my chair and stared at her, waiting for her to follow, but she didn't.

“We need to do a few things first. I mean you have been lost for some time. I think maybe you will want to clean up a little, shave maybe? Don't let the kids see you this way.”

“Your right. I need to get my act together. God I miss them so much. I don't have a penny to my name right now.”

“Don't worry about that. I will get you set up in a room and you can take the night to clean up and get some decent rest. In the morning I will pick you up and take you to your children. Oh Charlie I am so happy I found you. This is what is meant to be and I think Lilly helped me find you.”

The only thing that came to my mind was the night before when I felt that warm hug and then witnessed a flawless snow angel in the snow. It had to be Lilly. She was showing me that she was still with me. It all seemed to make sense.

Taking a shower, I felt as though everything I have going through was being washed down the drain at my feet. I watched it flow, flow away and taking all the hurt with it. I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. Walking around the corner I am face to face with myself in the mirror. Wiping the fog off the glass I can't help but wonder who this man was staring back at me. What happened to him. I am skinny, pale in color with black circles staining my skin. One would think I was out there on the streets for months. It has only been a couple of weeks, I think.

Why wouldn't Lilly tell me she had a half sister? Maybe she didn't even know. So many unanswered questions. I find myself feeling relaxed and dozing off a lot earlier than I thought I would.

I forgot how good it felt to eat and enjoy it. Something triggered inside of me. It feels like a new light of hope. I wanted to suffer, I didn't deserve happiness or so I thought. This could be a new beginning and some how I feel as though Lilly is taking me on a new journey. Once I shaved and dressed in something decent I took a second glance in the mirror and I see the man I was. A father and loving husband. I can't wait to see the children.

Standing on the sidewalk I watched as a car pulled up with tinted windows. The window rolled down and Kira was sitting and waiting. Her face expression was of shock. I am not sure why but her smile was much bigger than it was yesterday.

“Charlie? Charlie is that you? Come on, get in out of the cold.”

I open the car door and Kira grabs my hand giving it a little squeeze. Not sure what to make of it so I smile at her. That is when I realize that she does look like Lilly. A little more prim and proper but the features still held the softness around the eyes and her mouth has that little pout on the bottom lip. I want to kiss her but I know it would be for the wrong reasons. I only met her yesterday. Crazy thoughts take over me for reasons I have no answer for.
“So are you ready Charlie?”

Leaning back on the seat of the car I take a deep breath still unsure of how things will turn out.

“I guess I am. Do the kids know I am coming? They must be so pissed at me.” I pull my hand away from Kira's grip and start playing with my gloves like a nervous child.

“Charlie, listen. The children know there is a surprise today but I didn't want to tell them you were coming. I have to think of their best interests and well, if you changed your mind; imagine how hurt they would be. I hope you understand.”

“Oh of course I understand.” In my head I didn't. Not really. I had to change the subject.

“So where is it that you live? Is it far from here? I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Somehow I take responsibility for all the hurt. I know Lilly doesn't blame me, but if one little action could have changed that night, maybe something I could have done differently. You know, she would still be here, and I wouldn't have been in this mess.” Tears welled up in my eyes and I didn't want to break down in front of the one person that could help me out of this mess.

Kira turned to me and grazed the back of her hand along my cheek. It felt so comforting. It was the first real affectionate touch from anyone since Lilly. I held her hand there not wanting her to stop. My tears fall and linger on her fingers.

“Charlie, we will work this out. You are the man I heard about. You are kind and I know you didn't leave your kids to hurt them. You thought you were saving them from torment. You are grieving Charlie and sometimes it is best to do these things alone. However you can't grieve for ever. This I know. Embrace your children and begin living again.”

The rest of the ride was made of conversation. Nothing particular, more of a chat getting to know one another. I feel as though time came in one full circle and by the time the car stopped I couldn't even recall how long it took. Kira has sparked something in me. I wish I could say it was right or wrong but I can't. The attraction is deeper than her chestnut hair and green eyes or the pout. It feels as though we were supposed to meet.

“How do I look? Do I look like I have been sleeping on park benches for the last month or forever how long it's been?”

“Well Charlie I didn't know you before now so I can't compare. I do however know you are one handsome with an honest heart. My sister was very lucky to be apart of your life. You look great.” Her smile was infectious as I found myself smiling back. So I get out of the car and walk up to this beautiful cape cod style home that was way out of my league in any life time. I have to ask myself how can I give my kids what they have right now? I lost my job, I have no savings, I have nothing. I want to turn around and walk away. Everything tells me to, until the door opens and there they are. My two children staring up at me, waiting for me to say something, anything.

All I could do was cry. Both kids wrap their arms around my legs and cry with me.

“Hey hey, come now. Let's get you guys inside the house. It's freezing out here.” Kira's eyes were welling up as she smiles my way, guiding us into the house.

Sleeping is no hardship tonight. Both of my children on either side of me and I feel a new warmth around my heart. I don't hurt as much. I have no idea what the future will have in store for me or my children but I do know I am strong enough now to endure what ever it is.

“Good Morning Charlie. I hope you like pancakes because that is what we are having. That and strong coffee. I hope you don't mind but I called the lawyer this morning and he wants to meet with you today.'

I was confused. I had no idea I had a lawyer. “What do you mean, a lawyer? About what?”

“Well Charlie when you left there were things left unattended to. Lilly left a will and you left before it could even be read. “

Feeling shocked and overwhelmed that Lilly even had a will of her own. I couldn't catch my breath. We had a will that we wrote together. I just assumed that would have been handled by her mother. I knew what it consisted of.

“I see. I don't know what to say.”

Days lead to weeks and I found myself in a new home with funds that Lilly had put aside. Family money that I wasn't aware of. Kira helped me with the children and getting them settled in a new environment. She also came for dinner every weekend. Things took off from there and neither one of us saw it coming.


The last snow fall of the season left a freshness upon the ground. I was drinking coffee while I found myself searching for my snow angel.

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