The Very Final Solution

PART ONE

EXT. STREET. GERMANY. DAY. 1945.

NAZI

The fuhrer has commanded me to provide you this “special” box

The Nazi gives two young Jewish girls a box containing a timed mechanism marked with the word “Special”, while the girls’ mother watches closely over them.

NAZI

Permit me to introduce myself. My name -- Karl Franz VonBerlinHoffenburgerShmit. That pretty much covers all the German names I can think up. Now what is the name of you girls?

GIRL

My name is Frau Kleismeigerschlitz. This is my sister Maria Jan Hanna.

NAZI

Those are beautiful names for girls, better than that plain named Anne Frank girl.

A Nazi assistant hands the Nazi a note paper showing the spelling of the assistant’s name.

NAZI

This man is my assistant. I forgot how to pronounce his last name.

The Nazi reads from the note paper the assistant gave him.

The name is spelled f-u-c-h-y-u-s-h-i-t-z.

FRAU (speaking to Maria)

How do you pronounce that name?

Maria whispers into Frau’s ear. Frau opens her mouth in astonishment after hearing her sister pronounce the name.

GIRLS’ MOTHER (speaking to the Nazi)

You must be tired from standing. I can give you something to eat -- bagels and lox.

NAZI

That sounds wonderful, and don’t forget to bring potato salad and cole slaw, and pickle slices.

MOTHER

Sure, I can also bring you a can of Dr Brown's soda.

EXT. STREET. OTHER SIDE OF TOWN. DAY.

2 men resembling Laurel & Hardy are sitting on a bench. On the sidewalk in back of their bench there is a barbed wire fence that surrounds rows of buildings and a large chimney blowing smoke. The men are reading a newspaper without noticing the front page headline “Six Million Jews Exterminated”. The men put the paper down when they see an American military tank rolling up to them.

AMERICAN SOLDIER (emerging from tank)

We're looking for a holocaust

MAN RESEMBLING LAUREL

This gentleman wants to know if we have seen a holocaust. Have you seen a holocaust?

MAN RESEMBLING HARDY

No I have not

MAN RESEMBLING LAUREL (speaking to soldier)

Well, if we should ever see a holocaust, we will surely let you know.

RETURN OF SCENE OF THE GIRLS AND THE NAZI.

MARIA

Is there anything my sister and I can do to keep ourselves busy while we wait for you to finish the meal?

NAZI

We have this new invention called television. We have television that’s superior to all the world’s televisions.

The Nazi brings a small television set to the girls. The girls turn on the TV. A daytime drama show appears on the TV. There is organ music playing in the background of the show.

THE TELEVISION SHOW ANNOUNCER

We now present Germany's longest running

soap opera, 'As The World Burns'.

YOUNG WOMAN CHARACTER ON THE SOAP OPERA (talking to her mother character)

Does my father know? Does he know that the man I am engaged to.... that he is.... that.... he is a.... J.... J.... Jew?

The organ music gets louder.

THE FATHER CHARACTER IN THE NEXT SCENE OF THE SOAP OPERA (speaking to his daughter character)

Your mother told me that you are engaged to a.... to.... to one of.... those people.

The organ music gets louder

THE FATHER CHARACTER

Why would you be engaged to….one of those …. ?

THE YOUNG WOMAN CHARACTER

I thought he had the right ... you know.... the right.... well how do you say it ... the size"

The organ music gets louder.

THE FATHER CHARACTER

But I thought those Jews were.... were.... weren't they circum....

Before the father character completes saying the last word (“circumcised”), there is static coming onto the TV picture that knocks out the broadcast.

FRAU (speaking to Maria)

What was the last word they were trying to say?

Maria whispers into Frau's ear. Frau opens her mouth wide in astonished reaction to hearing what her sister tells her.

SAME EXTERIOR STREET SCENE. NIGHT

The girls awake from sleep, the TV has resumed its broadcast and is showing a talk show.

TALK SHOW ANNOUNCER

It’s the Late Dark Show, with your host, Jhanny Karshon, Jhanny’s guests are Marlene Dietrich, Fritz Lang, and “The Beautiful Beast of Belsen”, Irma Grese”. I’m Edz MaxMann, and now, herrrrrrrrrrrs Jhanny!

JHANNY KARSHON

That Marlene Dietrich is so sizzling hot, the concentration camps were using her to light their ovens.

JHANNY (speaking to Marlene Dietrich)

So what’s your opinion about the Nazi regime lately?

MARLENE

I’m not too crazy about it.

JHANNY

Really, I can’t understand why.

JHANNY (speaking to Fritz Lang)

I’ve heard that you fled Germany

FRITZ LANG

I’m still here. But don’t tell anybody.

Then a commercial comes on.

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER

The Volkswagen is Germany’s newest car. Watch it as it travels Germany’s magnificent autobahn.

While orchestral music is played in the background, the commercial shows Volkswagens filling the autobahn highway, 20 lanes wide, stretching across Germany, and then continuing to stretch across the ocean, into the United States, into Minneapolis, into the Strip Shopping Center of America, and finally reaching its final destination, the slow food diner MechDonald, showing a sign that says “three burgers sold”.

The commercial ends and the show resumes

JHANNY (speaking to Irma Grese)

So what special tasks have you been up to at the camp?

IRMA GRESE

I am very good at my work. I make sure that I beat at least two Jews per day.

The girls change the TV channel

TV ANNOUNCER

The next sale on our Village Shopping Channel is the Ilse Koch “special” lampshade collection.

A female model waves her hands around the “special” lampshades.

TV ANNOUNCER

These “special” lampshades give new meaning to the phrase “skin deep beauty”.

The girls have finished watching the television show.

NAZI (speaking to the girls)

Let me know if the “special” timed mechanism is working.

FRAU

The “special” timed mechanism does not work.

NAZI

Let me take a look at that. Let me make some adjustments here. I just got to get these dials right. Ah, there it is, the “special” timed mechanism is now working perfectly.

NAZI ASSISTANT

Is that “special” timed mechanism what I think it is?

NAZI

This will provide the “special” action.

NAZI ASSISTANT

Then why are you holding it while it is working?

Just at that moment, the girls watch the “special” timed mechanism explode and destroy the Nazi, turning him to dust, except for his swastika medal, so we’ll have something to remember him by.

PART TWO

FRAU

Where do we go now?

NAZI ASSISTANT

There’s a “special” concentration camp you can stay at.

EXT. “SPECIAL” CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY.

The girls and their mother arrive at the gate of the “special” concentration camp.

GIRLS’ MOTHER (seeing the barbed wire, speaking to her girls)

I don’t think this is the kind of camp you were thinking about.

Then the mother and her girls feel relieved to see a friendly doctor with a big smile on his face standing at the gate. The doctor is wearing a name tag that says “Hello, my name is Mengele”

FRAU

Where do we go?

THE DOCTOR

My thumb is pointed this way, which means you go to our “special” shower.

FRAU (speaking to Maria)

We’re in luck! We get to take a “special” shower.

INT. “SPECIAL” SHOWER. NIGHT.

The girls and their mother are in the “special” shower, which emits a “special” gas. A Nazi assistant watches through a window as the girls and the mother fall slowly to the ground. The assistant goes into the “special” shower room, but sees the girls and mother sitting up.

FRAU

Thank you very much for that “special” shower.

NAZI (speaking to his assistant)

What kind of gas did you put in there?

NAZI ASSISTANT

I put the gas that you told me to -- Zyklon B

The Nazi looks at the gas canister.

That is not Zyklon B, that is Zyklon G – the perfume that the girls use. We’ll have to try this again tomorrow

The girls and their mother are taken into a room where they are fed a bowl of soup.

FRAU

This soup tastes like piss.

NAZI

That is piss.

EXT. STREET AT OTHER SIDE OF TOWN. DAY.

Two men resembling Abbott & Costello are standing on a street corner when an American military tank rolls up

AMERICAN SOLDIER (emerging from tank)

We’re looking for a concentration camp.

MAN RESEMBLING ABBOTT

The camp is on What Street.

MAN RESEMBLING COSTELLO

What is the name of the street?

MAN RESEMBLING ABBOT

That’s right, that’s what I said.

INT. “SPECIAL” SHOWER. NIGHT

The girls and their mother are again taken to the “special” shower room. While the Nazi assistant is about to press the button to release the “special” gas, he is interrupted by a Nazi with a question for him.

NAZI

I have a question, what is the word I need here on this crossword puzzle, it says “The best thing for the fuhrer”

NAZI ASSISTANT

Suicide!

As the Nazis are busy with the crossword puzzle, the girls and their mother manage to leave the “special” shower room.

FRAU

What was so “special” about that shower?

EXT. “SPECIAL” CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY.

Two men resembling Martin & Lewis are standing near the entrance.

MAN RESEMBLING MARTIN (singing)

Everybody hates somebody sometime….

AMERICAN SOLDIERS

Did we get here too late?

MAN RESEMBLING LEWIS (rapidly carrying and dropping soup bowls)

No, you’re not too late. They’ve only exterminated six million. No need to worry about such a small number.

AMERICAN SOLDIER

Where can I find the Nazis?

MAN RESEMBLING LEWIS

They’re at the Nobel Institute, they’re being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

EXT. OTHER SIDE OF “SPECIAL” CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY.

NAZI

We have a ride for you on our “special” dump truck.

FRAU (speaking to Maria)

That sounds exciting, we are taking a ride on a “special” dump truck.

The girls are loaded onto the “special” dump truck and driven to another side of the camp to a pit of fire. As the girls are being dumped into the pit of fire, the sky thunders and lets out a torrent of rain water, dousing the fire and soaking the girls.

MARIA (speaking to Frau)

Well, at least we got a good shower.

INT. LARGE ROOM FILLED WITH NAZI SERVANTS, SEATED. DAY

FUHRER (standing, speaking to his Nazi servants)

Now let me tell you my plan -- murder and exterminate all the Jewish children from this continent.........

The fuhrer’s assistant taps him on the shoulder, trying to interrupt him.

FUHRER

Do not interrupt my very important speech here. When we finish with the murder and extermination of all the Jewish children here, we will move to America to murder and exterminate all the Jews, the Christians, the Muslims, the Buddhists, the Mexicans, the Chinese, the Blacks, the Whites, the New Yorkers, the New Englanders, the Southern Rednecks, the mid-Westerners, the Californians, and the Puerto Ricans. We will have succeeded in murdering and exterminating all the subhumans, plus the sub-subhumans, plus the sub-sub-subhumans. Now I would like to know if there is any group that can be added to this list of those to be murdered and exterminated?

NAZI SERVANT

Have you mentioned the Aleutians?

FUHRER

Excellent idea! Then I can remove that female politician from Alaska who thinks she can become vice-president of the U.S.A.

NAZI SERVANT

What are you going to do when you finish this?

FUHRER

I shall live in quiet retirement, paint pictures of houses, and become a paper hanger. Now let me repeat my speech, we will be murdering and exterminating all the Jewish children.....

NAZI SERVANT

How could we both murder and exterminate? Wouldn’t that be redundant?

FUHRER

What do you think I shall be, an English grammar teacher, looking for redundant words? And don't ask me to explain the redundant words "dirty Jew".

NAZI SERVANT

My brother is half Jewish, does he get excused?

FUHRER

Then he will get half a murder and half of extermination ….

FUHRERS’ ASSISTANT (whispering into the fuhrers’ ear)

You are supposed to use the word “special”….

FUHRER

Let me correct myself, we will be giving …. ”special” ….!

Just then, the fuhrer sees Fran and Hannah standing behind the door opening peeking into the room.

THE FUHRER

Those are the girls I have been searching for. They have survived no less than five “special” treatments, and that includes the “special” treatment I gave to their kindergarten school. Now I must take matters into my own hands.

The fuhrer picks up a bazooka and chases the girls.

EXT. “SPECIAL” CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY

FRAU

The fuhrer wants to exterminate all the Jewish children in Europe. What shall we do now?

MARIA

Let’s hold each other.

FRAU

As if our holding each other is supposed to prevent us from being murdered and exterminated?

The fuhrer aims the bazooka at the girls while they hold each other.

THE FUHRER

Now I shall be able to finally deliver the Very Final, Last, Concluding, Closing, Ending, Ultimate, Finishing, Absolute, Definitive, Decisive, Eventual, Final Final Solution for that Jewish Question.

At that point an American soldier shows up driving a tank aiming at the furhrer.

AMERICAN SOLDIER (speaking to the fuhrer)

We've been looking for you. I got to remember this moment, so smile and say cheese so I can take your picture

After the fuhrer has finished posing for the picture, the tank shoots a rocket at the furhrer, but the fuhrer is still standing.

THE FUHRER

You see, that nobody can destroy me, proving that I am superior to all of you sub-humans.

THE GIRL’S MOTHER (speaking to the fuhrer while she shoves a bagel into the fuhrer’s mouth)

Would you like a bagel?

The furhrer, stunned by the horror of having a Jewish delicacy stuffed into his mouth, falls backwards into the deep hole that had been created by the tank rocket.

THE FUHRER (as he is falling deep, he yells out)

At least I’ll die famous. Remember to call my agent for the book and movie rights.

FRAU

What happened to the bagel in the fuhrer's mouth? You wasted a good bagel.

MARIA

No we didn't. I got it here

FRAU

How were you able to grab the bagel from the furhrer's mouth?

MARIA

I grabbed him by that part

FRAU

What part?

MARIA

Do you remember that word that I whispered into your ear when you asked me about the soap opera?

Maria whispers into Frau's ear. Frau opens her mouth wide in astonished reaction to hearing what her sister tells her.


THE END