A Special little girl

If only John could look at his daughter and see her the way I did. He had always wanted a little girl, but apparently not this one. The John I had loved for over twenty years bore no resemblance to this cold hearted man finding it so hard to accept his daughter.

I sat in my private room feeling very lonely. The room was bright and cheerful, with lots of cards, congratulating us on the birth of our little girl. The room smelled beautiful from the two big vases of colourful flowers. None of this lifted my mood. I felt I was being hidden away, or should I say my child was. My face was burning as tears trickled down my cheeks. They were tears of anger; we were being separated from the perfect mums with their perfect baby's.

I grabbed a tissue from the box by my bed, and dabbed my eyes.
Deep down I knew I was being irrational. I was in this room to give us the privacy we needed. John was not cold, just out of his depth

John had been there for the birth just as he had been for the boys. I don't think I could of got through it without him. I squeezed his hand so tight with each contraction, that he said he could do with the pain relief. When our little girl was finally pushed into the world, we both cried and laughed at the same time. The midwife gave her to me briefly before she was taken away to be checked over. As she lay in my arms I felt that same instant love I had felt for the boys. When I looked at John, I could see the worry behind the smiles. He had aged such a lot in the last few months

I knew our little girl would have some problems, but nothing we couldn't overcome. The real problem was her dad, who no matter how hard he tried couldn't accept his little girl would not be the child he had hoped for.

James was ten, and Mattie seven. James was the comedian of the family, always up to mischief we never had a dull moment with James. Then we had Mattie, our little professor, always asking questions, keen to learn. Sometimes I would catch him looking at his homework, his little face all screwed up in concentration. Our two little boys, who could drive us mad one minute and fill us with pride the next.

We had always planned to have three kids, but like most families we were so busy trying to balance work and childcare that we hardly noticed the years go by. My two little babies had grown into two young boys without us even noticing it.

John laughed, "Well, Sal, looks like your going to be the only female in this house."

"Certainly looks that way, even Charley the dog is male" I said with a grin.

Then out of the blue just before my fortieth birthday we discovered I was pregnant. We were delighted, but delight turned to anxiety when the doctors advised testing for Downs Syndrome, due to my age.

We were sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, when I told John I didn't want to have the test, as I was having the baby whatever the outcome. As I looked into his face, his eyes were wide, face pale, for the first time in our married life I could see real fear in my husbands face. I felt so guilty, as if it was my fault he was feeling so bad.

"It will be okay John, we can get through this."
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"Don't be ridiculous Sally, it's cruel to bring a child with so many problems into the world."

"It's not just any child John. It's our baby just like James, and Mattie."

"Please Sal, have the test, at least we will know what we are dealing with."

Eventually I gave in, I could understand John's fear, but knew I couldn't give up our baby.
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"Okay Love, you win I will have the test."

I could see John's shoulders drop, as if a weight was being lifted. Its was strange because he was the strong one, the optimist, forever telling me to stop worrying about every little thing. This was a new John, who couldn't contemplate the thought of dealing with a child with problems.

It seemed like an eternity waiting for the results. Every day checking the answer phone for the dreaded call that could change our lives. Sadly when the call finally came, asking us to make an appointment to see the consultant, we just stood there looking at one another. We knew what was coming. We now had to find a way to deal with it. My mouth was so dry I couldn't get the comforting words out, I knew John needed to hear..

The consultant was a tall stern looking man. As I looked at him, I thought he appeared cold and matter of fact. I couldn't of been more wrong. He went out of his way to put us at ease. He seemed to sense John's reservations. He produced leaflets and gave us contacts of groups of parents who had gone through the same heartbreaking decisions we were going to have to make.

We sat up till the early hours going over and over the Doctors words. He told us it was almost certain our child would be born with Downs Syndrome. The next few days felt like a lifetime, trying our best to keep everything normal for the boys. Waiting until they were in bed, before we cried, and comforted each other. We tried to read as much as we could on the condition. I found this really helpful, but it just made John more afraid.

As the weeks went on I found myself forming a bond with this little scrap growing inside me. John was putting a barrier around himself, trying to support me, but really just going through the motions. Eventually when we had talked of nothing else for weeks, John agreed we should go ahead with the pregnancy.

We were having a cuddle of the sofa, when the boys were in bed.

"I love you Sal, and James and Mattie mean everything to me let's see if we can make this work."

I through my arms around him tightly, so relieved to hear those words.

"We will John, it's our little baby."


At the twelve week scan the nurse asked if we would like to know the sex of the baby. I could feel John's hand gripping mine just a little too tightly.

"Well Love, what do you think?" I asked.

"Yes, why not?" he said trying to smile.

The nurse seemed unaware of the tension between us.

She turned with a big smile "You're having a little girl, congratulations."

I thought John was about to break down as the tears started to trickle down his face, but they were wiped away as quickly as they appeared.

"Have you thought of a name for this little lady." she asked.

We had always said if we had a daughter we would call her Ella, we both thought it sounded perfect for the cute, confident little one we assumed we would have. I looked at John, and by the look in his eyes I just knew this child would not be his Ella.

"Hope is a nice name, what do you think, Love?"
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"Hope, yes that's fine." he said.

I chocked back the tears, as I felt overwhelming love for this child called Hope, and grief for Ella the child we had lost.

Now sitting in my room I looked into the crib by my bed, and looked closely at my little girl. She looked nothing like her brothers, but I hadn't expected her to. I hoped they would love her as I did. I could hear footsteps outside, it was visiting time and I had asked John to bring the boys in to meet their little sister.

The door swung open, as two very excited little boys charged into the room.
"Hi mum, when are you coming home?" asked Mattie. Throwing his arms around me, almost forgetting the reason he was here.

"Don't be such a baby Mattie." said James. "We have a new baby now and hopefully she will be able to play football better then you." he laughed.

He looked into the crib "Can we hold her, mum?" he asked.
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"Of course you can, but you must be gentle, she is not as strong as you and Mattie."

As I gave her to James, John moved forward "You have to support her head like this James," he said.

The boys were grinning at their little sister as Mattie said "Look dad, she is holding my finger, see if she will hold yours."
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As John put his finger into her tiny grasp, his face appeared to soften, and he smiled and stroked her face. It was as if he was seeing his little girl for the first time.

"What are we going to call her?" asked Mattie.

"We thought Hope would be a nice name." I said as I looked at John.

He smiled." I think Ella, suits her more, what do you think boys"?

"Ella," they both shouted at once.

"Well, welcome to the family Ella," I said with a huge smile.