Heidi And her Babies

My first pets were a pair of hamsters I got for my sixth birthday. I named them Heidi and Herman Hamster, as all my favorite animal entities at the time had alliterative names (Donald Duck, etc.).
Their cage was carpeted with sawdust, and came furnished with water bottle, food bowl and an exercise wheel used exclusively by Herman. While Herman seemed to be training for an imaginary marathon, Heidi enjoyed a life of leisure, lounging between the foodbowl and the spigot of the water bottle. It seemed reasonable that the lethargic and gluttonous Heidi would gain significant amounts of weight due to her lifestyle choices, but Heidi offered an alternate explanation for her weight gain when she gave birth to a litter of tiny pink worms with limbs.
"Mom! I think Heidi had ugly babies!"
She came and looked in the cage. "Well look at that!" She opened the lid and removed Herman.
"Mom, is Herman their dad?"
"Yes he is sweetie."
"Why take him from his family?"
"It's just...he's not ready to be a father."
He should have thought of that before having babies, I thought self-righteously. Mom went to find a shoebox that could serve as Hermans motel for the week. I studied the strange, hairless creatures. They were not at all what I thought baby hamsters should be. I felt repelled by their wrinkled faces and squirmy movements.
My mother bent down so her head was next to mine. We both stared at the hideous additions to the Hamster family.
"So cute!"
"Really?" I tried to expand my understanding of the word.
"Oh yes, don't you see? They're so vulnerable and blind. They need their mother."
She changed her tone from that of a fellow wanderer to that of a homilist. "Look Jason, that is the miracle of life. Nature, as God intended. This is how the world continues. This is very beautiful. Understand?"
"Yes. Why are they so ugly?" My gaze fixed on the creatures.
"They'll grow hair soon, then you'll think they're cute. They'll look like little cotton balls! Give it time."
Little cotton balls is definitely more of what I had in mind. I became excited. There were six of them, and I named them after Snow White's seven dwarves, excluding Grumpy, who I felt was not a good enough sport to have representation among my new set of friends.
My mom and I lived in a secluded house in the country. Our back yard led to an area of woods that was about an acre, but seemed limitlessly expansive at the time. My favorite pastime was going into the woods and playing explorer searching for treasure, following a creek that led nowhere. I imagined the hamsters growing old enough to accompany me on my expeditions, following me around like I had seen baby ducks follow their mother at the park.
"Mom, when will Heidi's babies be cute?" I asked, settling into bed.
"They'll grow hair each day. It won't take long. Be patient."
The next morning was Sunday, and I got out of bed with one goal: checking the progress of the brood. I ran down the stairs to the kitchen, but stopped cold as I approached the cage.
There had been a massacre. The cage was strewn with pink body parts and blood. Heidi seemed to be mourning in the corner, her face turned away. I held my breath and scanned the carnage for survivors. Heidi turned, and I saw Dopeys' head dangling from her mouth. He had the most contorted expression I could imagine from such a limited face, reflecting final moments of unimaginable horror.
"Oh Christ! Oh Christ! Oh Jesus Christ!" It seemed the only appropriate response to the atrocity.
I continued chanting "Oh Christ" in a strained, prepubescent voice as I ran up the stairs to my mother's room.
"Are you okay, baby?"
"Something terrible's happened!" I paused so my mother could brace herself. "I think Heidi ate all her babies!"
"Stay here." Mom left, and I sat on her bed for what seemed like an eternity as I processed.
When my mother called me down, Heidi's cage had been cleaned, and all evidence of a litter was removed.
Just as God intended.
I mourned the loss of innocent life, brooding as I slowly dressed for church.
"Mom, why did Heidi eat her babies?" I asked on our way home.
"That's just the way nature is sometimes honey. Maybe she was scared, or...I don't know. Things happen."
I decided to keep a closer eye on my own mother. When we got home I paid special attention to her food preparation to make sure there was no foul play. I ate my pancakes in silence, closely watching the knife in Mom's hand.
"What's wrong honey?"
"Nothing...yet."
"Jason, what in hell are you talking about?"
I hadn't grasped the principle of not confiding in possible enemies.
"Mom, I'm afraid you're going to kill me."
Her fork froze in mid air. She rolled her eyes before setting herself to duty. "Sweetie, I would never ever ever EVER hurt you!" A hug became a squeeze as she emphasized "EVER."
I again felt confident in my mothers best intentions, especially since she watched Bugs Bunny cartoons with me after breakfast.
"That's enough T.V. for one day. Why don't you go out and play explorer for a while?"
I put on my shoes and solemnly kissed Mom goodbye as if I wasn't coming back. I stepped outside and walked toward the woods, stopping suddenly about twenty feet from the treeline.
The woods had changed. It was no longer inviting me with the possibility of cartoon adventures or treasure. The contorted tree branches seemed menacing and foreboding. For the first time, I felt small, unsafe. I turned back and played with the mulch in my front yard. I missed playing explorer. A window had been opened, and I would never be able to play explorer the same way again.