I need some criticism to help me improve on my writing |
"Hey Debo, Debo! Wait for me please." Aisha screamed from the top floor of the senior class building. She had been scheduled to sweep the classroom for the next day so she wanted to do it before going home. She disliked rushing to school early the day she was supposed to sweep. "It unsettles me, she said to Debo," who had been waiting for her under a shade close to the school gate. Debo didn't answer, he looked worried. Debo and Aisha were inseparable. They had known each other their entire lives. He shared with her things he wouldn't even share with his parents and vice versa. "What's the problem, D?" She was just one of two people who referred to Debo as "D" the other was Debo's younger sister, Oyin. "What is it?" She sounded worried too. "Aisha, I'm in trouble; he replied," rubbing his palm down his face. Perplexed, she didn't know what to say. Debo almost never got himself into trouble so she thought to herself if he's in trouble then it's really serious. "What kind of trouble is it, D?" "The kind that you don't get out of, he replied sharply." "Okay, just tell me before your driver arrives or maybe I should come over to your house"..... "No! No! You don't have to come over, I'll tell you right now. Do you remember Yinka?" "Hmmm, Yinka?" She said softly, trying to remember. "Oh, the girl from the government school?" Yinka was the girl all the boys had been talking about after the mathematics quiz competition. "I remember, but what does she have to do with anything or you getting into trouble." Debo sighed, "She's pregnant, Aisha! She's pregnant." He said with a straight face. "What? How? And how do you even know that?" Aisha knew Debo led the school team to the Quiz competition hosted at Yinka's school but what she didn't understand was how it was connected to him getting in trouble. "It was me Aisha........ I'm responsible for it.......sh....she....she's pregnant for me." "That is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said to me" she scoffed. Debo never looked more serious on this occasion but she couldn't understand how such a thing could have happened. She was baffled and confused at the same time. "It was a mistake; it was just once" he said with a raised finger as if trying to justify what he'd just said. "So, what do you want to do about it?" She asked, not sure whether that was the right question to ask. Debo paused, then said; "well.....what I'm going to do is Baaaaam!" "I got you," he roared into a laughter. Debo had been playing her all along right from the moment she joined him downstairs after sweeping the class. He had just joined the drama club and was eager to practice what he'd learned earlier in the day. Who better to practice on if not his best friend? He was happy he'd been able to pull this one off. He kept his cool and made Aisha believe everything he said. She was furious; she couldn't believe it. "So you had to joke about impregnating someone just to show how good your acting skills are? What are you going to do next? Pretend someone died? Huughh! I have to get home" she snapped. She and Debo joked a lot but for her this was too far. The joke was too expensive. All she wanted right now was for Debo's driver to come around so he could leave. Usually, Debo's driver would give her a lift part of the way then she would find her way home from there but today would be different. Debo looked up and there was the driver approaching in a black sedan car. He called her to join him but she refused, moved the opposite direction and said goodbye. Debo immediately knew he had gone too far. As soon as he got home he would call her phone. He wanted to apologize for what he'd done. Debo's family lived in an estate in the middle of the city. His father, Dr. Adekunle Adebowale, was a medical doctor and his mother, Mrs Adekunle Olatoyosi, a Nurse. They met each other at a health workshop held while Adebowale (Senior) was having his residency. They got married 3 years later after Debo came back from the UK where he had his master's degree program. Immediately he saw Olatoyosi, he knew she was the one. They gave birth to Adebowale junior a year later and it would take another six years before having another child this time a girl, Oyindamola. Oyin, as she was fondly called, was the apple of her parent's eyes. Debo Jnr didn't care their parents gave his younger sister more attention because to him he loved her maybe even more than their parents. The only thing he didn't like was his father putting pressure on him to become a medical doctor just like himself. Debo loved his father and respected his profession because he knew being a medical doctor was no easy task. He loved painting and drawing. He was so good with it that he started charging a fee for his works. He would draw and then frame it depending on the customers demand. The profession that really appealed to Debo was engineering. He loved the structures and machines and most especially he loved figures and calculations. He would smile at the thought of being an engineer someday. The sound of the car horn alerted Debo, he was home just as the sky became pregnant with cloud. Debo entered the house and was greeted by the sweet aroma from the kitchen. He knew his mother was home. He dropped his school bag on the sofa in the living room and walked briskly towards the kitchen. "Maaaa!" He called. "I didn't know you were coming home today." he said with a smile as he hugged her like she had been gone for years. Debo's mum had travelled out of the country two weeks earlier to visit her brother, Tade, Debo's uncle, whose wife gave birth to a set of twins. She was supposed to come back as soon as Tade and his wife found a nanny to help with chores. They found one quicker than expected so she returned back home. Debo's mum could afford that amount of time because she had her own clinic which was fully equipped and adequately staffed. "Yes baby, me too, I talked to your father yesterday he should have told you." She said, patting him on the back. "We were barely awake when he left in the morning" "It's okay darling, I'm here now. Oh! I've missed you so much, you should go upstairs and get ready for dinner and also help your sister with her homework, she's in her room." Yes ma'am he replied. He was so excited about the goodies his mum must have bought for him and more importantly he was happy to see her after what seemed like a lifetime of her not being at home. The excitement was so much for Debo that he completely forgot about Aisha and about how he was going to call her and apologize. Deeeeeeee! Oyin shouted as soon as her brother entered her room. Oyin's room looked like that of a young lady. The walls were covered with drawings and paintings half of which were made by Debo, the floor covered in a pink carpet, her favourite colour. Debo would draw and paint pictures of his sister at his leisure time. "What did you bring for me?" She said as Debo tried to pick her up. Even though Oyin was ten years old and much bigger than she used to be Debo loved carrying his little sister off her feet. As he tried to grab her and lift her he realized he couldn't. Oyin was now a big girl, all he could do was to shake her and tickle her. "You can't carry me," she said laughing and hoping he would carry her. "No I can't, you're now too big for me to carry, it's good, it shows you're growing fast, but I'll try again after your homework is done. After some minutes they were done with the assignments and Debo was going to bring her the popcorn he had bought for her in school. "Adebowale! Oyindamola!" Their mum called with her ever penetrating voice. Dinner was ready but their father wasn't home yet. Normally they would wait for him and feast together but it was a school night and they had to go to bed early so they could make it to school on time the next day. As soon as they were done with dinner they went upstairs to their mum's room to check out the gifts she bought for them. Dr Adekunle was taking his time to drive home, even though he was in a hurry. It was raining heavily and also dark. He avoided driving at night time but today he couldn't help it. He had performed an emergency surgery on a police officer who had been shot on duty. He saved the man's life and he waited for him to wake up after the anesthesia administered had subsided. Dr Adekunle decided to call his wife on his way home so as to let her know why he was late. He put on his hands free gadget and as he was about to dial the number a call came in, it was Aisha's father, Mr Adeola. As soon as he finished talking to him he dialed his wife's number immediately. "Hello honey, is Junior at home?" He asked anxiously. "Yes" she answered. "Why?, and why are you late we already ate dinner." "I'm sorry I'll explain that to you later. Aisha's father just called my phone now and said Aisha isn't back from school and he sounded really worried" he said. "What?" Debo's mum exclaimed, "It's already 8:00PM, they left school 4 hours ago, she should be home already". "Just listen to me okay" Dr Adekunle said calmly, "I need you to confirm from Junior if he saw her in school today, when was the last time he saw her? I'll drive towards their school to make sure she's not there, I already told Mr Adeola to meet me at their school and you should call Mrs Adeola I'm sure she'll even be more worried." Meanwhile Debo heard his mum's noise and came rushing out of his room. "He's here she immediately gave him the phone and his father explained everything to him. Debo was immediately full of regret, he shouldn't have left her alone after the disagreement they had, he thought to himself. He should have insisted they left the school together. Now anything could have happened. He hoped and prayed she was alright wherever she was. He explained to his father in detail everything that happened and why they didn't come home together. Dr Adekunle wasn't too happy at his son for cracking such jokes but also didn't think Aisha should put her parents through all of these because of a silly joke. He would reprimand both of them when this was over but first he had to find Aisha. It was still raining by the time he got to their school. He knew there was a high chance of him not finding her at the school but he also knew this was the first place to look. As soon as he got to the entrance, the gateman, Bade, who had already seen the vehicle's flash light from a distance, peeped from the window of his own lodge which was an extension of the school's waiting area. The school waiting area was a place where parents or guardians picked up their kids or wards after school hours. Immediately the gateman saw him he recognized him so he came out with an umbrella and greeted him. Dr Adekunle explained why he had come so late. Bade explained to him that there were 3 people at the waiting area and that they had been there since it started raining. They couldn't go home because of the rain. Dr Adekunle entered the school and there was Aisha shivering. She was extremely happy to see him. She wanted to explain what had happened but Dr Adekunle told her not to worry. I already know what happened and I'm disappointed in both of you. Your father is on his way; let's wait for him in the car. Mr Adeola arrived later on, thanked Dr Adekunle and drove his daughter home relieved. In school the next day after the morning assembly, Debo noticed some students being punished on the school field and he spotted Tony amongst them. Tony and Debo used to be friends but Tony had a change in the way he behaved and Debo didn't like who he had become. He also had new friends. There was one in particular, Akin who he claimed became friends with him because Akin's family moved into their neighborhood and he was the only one going to the same school as Akin so he had to become his friend to help him settle. Debo quickly moved away to avoid being seen by Tony. Debo wanted to see Aisha as soon as possible so he could apologize for what he'd done. He was about going back to his class when he got a tap on the shoulder, it was Aisha. "I've been looking everywhere for you. I didn't know you were here watching your former bestie." She teased. "Oh! No, I was just passing by and by the way what did he do?". He asked "Oh! You mean this time? Well I heard he and his friends beat up someone because it was the person's birthday". "What?" Debo was shocked. "This ..........err....... 'Birthday present' is becoming rampant and it needs to stop before somebody gets hurt. Maybe I should talk about it during assembly tomorrow. Anyway that's not why I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize about yesterday. It would never happen again." "Me too" she replied with a blush spreading through her face. Debo smiled, "talking about birthdays, mine is in two weeks, I know you haven't forgotten and I hope you're thinking about what you'll give me." Debo said as they both walked towards their classrooms "Yes of course" she replied. "So.... what is it?" debo asked. "I'm not telling you it's supposed to be a surprise she replied as they both entered into their respective classrooms. Two weeks later it was Debo's birthday, he had already received so many presents he already lost count but he looked forward to the celebration in school. He knew his friends would have lots of surprises for him, he couldn't wait. His father's driver dropped him off and immediately he stepped out of the vehicle. A junior student handed out a birthday card he had made. Debo thanked him and asked for his name. "Adetunji Adedolapo" the boy replied. The boy was very happy to have talked to one of the school prefects and also someone he looked up to. He was going to tell everyone of his classmates. It was Lunchtime at SAGE SECONDARY SCHOOL and Aisha was on her way to Debo's class, she wanted to sing for him in front of his classmates, she knew Debo would be embarrassed. As soon she got out of the class into the corridor she met Tony, who had a big smile on his face. Hey Aisha! Are you going to Debo's class? Yes she replied walking briskly past Him. She didn't like him and didn't want to talk to him. Meanwhile Tony had a message for her. He turned around and caught up with her. "Debo's classmates are organizing a surprise party for him at the gym so they need someone he trusts to lure him there" he said sounding unconcerned. "They don't want to give him a heads up". Really?" She said, trying to hide the smile threatening to light up her face, "Yes" Tony replied and walked off. Aisha didn't like the bearer of the news but she liked the news. She wanted Debo to have the best birthday possible and she was going to lure him even though she didn't yet know how. She stepped into the Debo's classroom she scanned everywhere but there was no sign of him. "Where could this boy be?" She mumbled to herself. As she was trying to figure out where Debo might be, an idea on how to lure Debo crept into her mind and her face lit up. Some minutes later Debo walked in, "Aisha, just the person I was looking for, guess what?". He said. "I'm not guessing anything," she replied playfully while being grabbed by the arm out of the classroom. She quickly added "the school coach asked to see you at the school gym, he said it's something about you getting into the football team." Debo couldn't believe it. He had been trying to get into the football team for a very long time and now he's finally gotten an invite. He was so excited but he had better news for her. "Aisha guess what?" He asked her again. "You know I don't like guessing" she replied reluctantly. Debo decided to tell her, he himself couldn't wait to share the information with her. Remember when I told you I was nominated for an international undergraduate scholarship, well the result of the successful candidates have been released and I was offered a scholarship to study mechanical engineering in the UK." "Oh my God, Debo, that's incredible. I'm so happy for you." "Yea, thanks, I should hurry up and get to the gym don't worry I'll catch you later." The thought of Debo leaving her behind for the first time in their lives terrified her but she knew it was for a good course and she was happy for him. The school gym was built in an isolated area away from the classrooms so as not to interfere with lectures going on in class. As Debo approached the gym he noticed the front door appeared to have a padlock on it but he moved closer anyway. Mr Aina, the school coach was probably somewhere around. He got to the door and noticed the padlock on the front door, maybe he already left when he didn't show up on time. As he turned to go he heard a sound at the back of the building and decided to check it out. Debo got to the back and Tony was there sitting under the shade of a mango tree. Surprised, he asked, "What are you doing here, Tony? Don't tell me the school coach called you too." "Oh! I'm not here for the coach, I'm here with a few of my friends to celebrate your birthday, he said with a big grin." "Thank you but I'm not celebrating anything" Debo said with a wryly and started walking back towards the direction he came from. As soon as he took a couple steps forward, Tony's friends came out of nowhere and blocked him off. Get out of my way or else you guys would wish you hadn't come to school today. One of Tony's friends Akin, laughed and said "Boy! we are just trying to celebrate your birthday as it should be celebrated, in fact you should be happy we are doing this. Don't worry this won't take long." "You lot are crazy'" he said, now angry, he turned to Tony and said "I guess you were not in school the day I said birthdays aren't to be celebrated this way, by beating the celebrants up. That's just petty violence. Well I don't even know why I'm talking to you," Debo turned to go but one of the boys poured a bowl of water he had been holding on Debo. He wanted to move closer to the boy and hit him but another splash came for the back and then another until he was dripping. He just stood there and waited for it to be over. He knew Tony and his friends were already in trouble. He would go directly to the principal's office and lodge a complaint. With his uniform dripping like that, Tony and his friends would wish they hadn't even been in school that day. The "birthday rain", as Tony and his friends called it had finally stopped and Debo was ready to go, suddenly Akin who had his belt removed hit him with the belt and it caught Debo off guard. If He was angry before, now he was furious. With a swift move of the hand he took the belt away from Akin and retaliated. The other boys not to be left out of what was happening removed their belts and started whipping Debo with it. Akin, was left stunned by how Debo snatched his own belt from him and beat him with it. He looked around and saw a dry stick. He picked it up moved closer to where Debo was being beaten and hit him on the head with the stick. Debo fell in a pile on the concrete floor. Not satisfied he kept on hitting him this time with everything including his feet. "What are you fools waiting for? Come on; hit him" he barked at the other boys. He was so filled with anger he didn't know Debo who laid there on the floor almost lifeless was already bleeding. Tony couldn't believe what had just happened. It wasn't supposed to be like this. "Stop, Stop, what have you done Akin? We should carry him to the school clinic." He said as he bent down to touch Debo. "We would do no such thing" Akin replied sharply. "Let's all go to our various classes and pretend like nothing happened. When he's done pretending he'll get up." The other boys were too scared to say anything they just wanted to be told what to do. Tony and the other boys returned to their respective classes as if nothing had happened. Tony got to his class looking jittery and to make matters worse for him there was Aisha waiting for him. She knew Tony had tricked her but she didn't know why and she was about to find out. "Where is Debo? Why did you lie to me? I was in his classroom, his classmates were all there but he wasn't and why are you so wet?" She asked in quick succession with a scowl look on her face. "That's none of your business and I don't know where Debo is, what I said was just a prank," Tony replied with unease and hurried to his sit to avoid further questions. Aisha looked at him with disdain, so she heard lured Debo to the gym for no reason. She knew Debo would not be too happy with her for playing a prank like this, especially about an invite to the football team. She decided to go look for him at the Gym but it was too late, break time was over, she didn't want to be caught loitering. Dr Adekunle was in his office attending to a patient who had come for consultation; suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was one of the nurses on duty and she said an unconscious patient had just been rushed into the emergency unit. The patient had lost a lot of blood and that he should come for a general examination while the patient was being resuscitated. Dr Adekunle had to reschedule with his other patient. "Sir, there is something I need to tell you," the nurse said, as they bustled along the corridor in unison. "What is it Sade?," he enquired, still not slowing down. "The patient is Junior," she said, her voice shaky. Dr Adekunle sped away down the hallway into the emergency room. Sade could have sworn he disappeared. As he entered into the room a nurse covered the patient's body with a cloth from head to toe and she heard one of the doctors mumble something like 'time of death". The silence that ensued was deafening. Dr Adekunle felt a jolt in his heart as he moved closer to the body. He had seen numerous dead bodies in his life but this was different. Usually, loaded with an ungodly amount of calmness. He was ruffled inside. He took a look at the lifeless body of his son, held his face and started crying. Aisha soon joined him in her school uniform stained in blood, and crying uncontrollably. In between tears, she explained what happened to Debo's father. The school gardener had gone to the school store beside the gym to return the tools he had collected earlier in the day and found Debo, motionless and bleeding. Dr Adekunle didn't wait to hear the rest of the story. He was shattered. He didn't even speak to him this morning. He had left the house before the kids woke up. There was his son's lifeless body and he was unable to do anything about it. He had saved hundreds of life and here was his only son who didn't even make it to surgery. He had died of internal bleeding and brain hemorrhage. He couldn't fathomwhat had just happened. How could he be dead? What happened? Today was supposed to be his Birthday. He didn't know he was already seated on the floor of the corridor. He was helped on to his feet by Sade and accompanied back to his office. He would wait there till his driver arrived to take him home. By the time Dr Adekunle was back in his office, five teachers and some other non-teaching staffs who had accompanied Debo to the hospital had heard what happened so they filed into Dr Adekunle's office and were trying to console him. They explained to him in detail what had happened. They also said although they had all the names of the boys involved in the incident that only two of them had been found in the school premises, they had been arrested and their parents had been notified. "Is that going to bring my boy back?" He cut in, the room was silent. "I can't begin to imagine how careless you people are for a boy to be beaten to death, by some other boys of the same school in the school premises until he was found like he's some bush meat." "You can all leave now; I would like to make a call." Everyone left the room except Sade, who wanted to keep an eye on him. Dr Adekunle later called his wife telling her to meet him at home. Aisha sat on the floor outside the room with Debo's corpse; she relived his how his cold and expressionless his face looked. How devoid of smile it was. It looked like he was taking a deep sleep. Does this mean she won't see him again? She won't be able to laugh at his jokes anymore. Oh! She would give anything for Debo to wake up and tell her this was another prank. She felt responsible for what had happened. She had lured him into his death. She thought about the irony. Debo died on his birthday. It was his birthday and this was the birthday present she offered. She should be arrested too. |