Letters to God and Myself Part 1

Instructions: Write a letter to yourself to be opened four years later at graduation
Dear Hope, October 6 2011
I feel very strange as I write this. I am so happy in such a happy place. I feel loved by so many. And I’m afraid that it won’t last. I’m not sure what to say. I hope I can keep my friends. I hope I can continue getting good grades. And I’m involved in so many activities. But mostly I hope that you have been able to overcome all that happened during eighth grade. I want to be able to look back and smile. So make that happen! Go to parties, assume positions of leadership and make a difference. Be happy.
Hope

Instructions: Write journal entries to God to be submitted at the end of the semester

Dear God, December 17th, 2011
You and I have had a rocky relationship. There’s no denying that. Personally, I think after some of the stuff I’ve been through it’s to be expected. Of course what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But I’m wondering why it’s so hard for me. Even now, although I’m fairly happy, I struggle with stuff most of the girls at school can’t imagine.
I’m being judgmental but people have always judged me. Now I want to judge them.
This is coming off a lot more judgmental than I intended it to. And I’m not angry, I’m grateful. I receive an excellent education at a wonderful school where I can be safe (finally!). And there are so many nice girls and I’m involved with so many things. But there are still some things that are really hard. Like the depression.
I have so much but I have also lost so much. Question: Did I really have to lose so much to get what I have now?
Hope
Dear God, December 23rd 2011
First day of Christmas break. I say this whenever a break starts “please let this be the best break so far”. Last year with everything going on that was obviously a bit of a joke but this year will be better. Christmas at Immaculate Heart Academy was wonderful. It makes me feel like I belong. Every school should be like ours. Fewer kids would kill themselves or get into drugs. Sometimes I think it’s a bit scary how one factor (say school) influenced my life so much.
Like my River Road High School (my old school). I suppose it’s all right for preppy cheerleaders or football players (I kinda have a thing against football players) but why did you have to make me go to that hell hole for so long? River Road is nothing but a vortex ao f pain and humiliation and people who don’t care about anyone but themselves. I hate it.
Okay well now that I got that out tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I’m hoping this depression doesn’t linger. I used to loooove Christmas Eve. We would go to my aunt’s house and open presents and eat octopus and get home “late” and then sprinkle oats on the ground for the reindeer. Last year we started a new tradition- my aunt and cousins would come to our house for Christmas Eve. I don’t mind this even though things haven’t been the same between my cousins and I since Grandma died.
Poppy is also completely different. He doesn’t remember anything. On that note, Merry Christmas.
Love,
Hope

Dear God, December 26th
When I was younger, I would wake up the day after Christmas, realize Christmas was over and usually begin to cry. Now I don’t anymore. Except sometimes I cry on Christmas. Why? I’m not sure. My depression and anxiety gets so much worse on and around the holidays.
I went to the mall so excited to spend all this money I got and the only thing I bought is rice. That’s the kind of day it’s been. These weeks it seems like every day is that kind of day. Here I ago again with the “poor me” drabble.
Don’t get me wrong, Christmas was lovely. I saw Mary-Kate and Joe (my two cousins. I wouldn’t have made it through homeschool without them). And course there were presents. I don’t really think I’m all that materialistic but I like presents. And then there are things Santa can’t get me. Here they are:
1) I miss Megan. I miss Megan. Megan was my best friend. I’ve had other best friends since then. But not like Megan. During break I miss Megan because that was when Megan and I spent the most time together
2) I want Poppy to recover completely. I want him to be able to remember stuff and do all the things he can’t do anymore.
3) I want to trust. Ethan was once my best friend, someone I trusted who hurt me very abruptly. To this day I have trouble trusting people. I want to be able to trust again. I’m also searching for the ulterior motive and I know my friends are tired of it. So am I. It’s hard being happy with this wall up.
4) I want my Grandma back because she was much too young to die
5) I want never to be rejected again. I know rejection makes you strong but I think I’ve had enough to make me Superman.
Sincerely,
Hope

Dear God, December 27th 2011
I feel even gloomier than yesterday if that’s possible. Mom and I fought this morning. Mostly because I’m selfish. I know I have a bad “me, me, me” mentality. I had to to survive at River Road. So maybe I’m always looking out for myself more than anyone else.
Mom’s talking about simple things like washing dishes when I am done with them. I have no problem with work or dishes. A few weeks ago I worked a youth group program called Breakfast with Santa where I washed over 100 dishes in less than an hour. I’m not sure why home is any different. It just is.
I do want to help people. I know I do stuff already to help people but I always feel like I’m not doing enough. There are two problems 1) having the time 2) getting a ride. Despite these obstacles, I would like to make a difference.
Sincerely,
Hope

Dear God December 28th
I have the whole house to myself. I think I’ll throw a party. That is my attempt at humor. What kind of party happens at one in the afternoon? My brother is over at his best friend’s house. I used to have a best friend. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I see Michael’s best friend over practically every day. They are so in tune with each other.
I’m having a bit of writer’s block. I guess the one thing I haven’t really talked about in any of my youth groups or in class is homosexuality. Well, we’ve touched on it but haven’t gotten personal. I’m attracted to girls. But I’m also attracted to boys. It’s very confusing. Talk about teenage angst. I came out to a few of my friends who were really cool about it. People usually are, to my face at least. But I can’t help wondering what they think when I leave.
I know one of my friends feels uncomfortable because she makes a lot of lesbian jokes. I don’t know. God, they say they are fine with it then I bring up the girl I like and they act weird. Maybe I expect too much too soon. As for the girl I like, they probably wonder why I’m attracted to her but I am. From the moment I saw her at play practice. But she won’t give me a chance “because she doesn’t want to hurt me”. Hurt me? I just want to try things out. I’m telling you this, God, because I know you don’t really hate fags.
Sincerely,
Hope

Instructions: Write letters to people you need to forgive.

Dear Matt,
Approximately, ten months ago you violated me. And I know you apologized but that doesn’t matter. Looking back it’s perfectly clear you never valued me at all, you just used me to make yourself feel better. You ruined a lot of my relationships, my reputation, my self-worth and my trust. You make me feel different from a lot of people- I feel like the word “dirty” is plastered over my forehead and I don’t want pity or attention but understanding. And in this culture that’s extremely hard to come by.
And I’m doing this not for your benefit but mine. Because I’ve wasted enough time being mad at you. I will still continue talking about what happened to the people who care about me most. And maybe someday I won’t feel like such an outsider.
Sincerely, Hope

That was the easy letter. It was easy because I never loved Matt or gave him all my trust. Like with Ethan.

Dear Ethan,
I’ll never find out what your issues are but I must have been blind to see that you were only using me. Well I’m sick of being used! Now when a boy tells me he loves me it’s gonna take me a lot to believe him. I’ve always prided myself on being a good judge of character but your behavior blows that theory right out of the water. How much did you lie about anyway? I understand I was emotionally unstable and not ready for a relationship after Matt but Jesus you could have explained that instead of just disappearing. I thought we were some fairy tale romance. I don’t know how I’m expected to get over you. I would like to but I don’t think I have it in me to forgive you at this time.
Sincerely, Hope

Retreat instructions: Write down your goals for the weekend, for the month and for the year

Weekend goals: Make new friends
Month goals: No more cutting
Year: No more abusive relationships or stripping

Retreat Instructions: Write a letter to be opened a year from now

Dear Hope,
My first retreat. It’s a brand new year. Let’s see what I can make of it. This weekend has been the best weekend of my entire life. Dance party, offatory bonfire, trust falls, blindfolded mazes, inspirational talks, ice breakers and just amazingness. From the food to the showers to the 7 am rising, everything was perfect.
I want to strengthen my relationship with God because currently we are sorta at war with one another. The important thing is that even if absolutely everything crumbles, God will still be there.
Yesterday for the offatory I threw “Ethan” in the fire. I was done with him. Maybe by the end of the year I’ll have gotten rid of more stuff. Currently, there is a little drama with my friend, Julianna. I’m not gonna take any more crap from anyone or let them use me. Maybe I can get out of these damaging cycles I’m creating and stop getting satisfaction from boys.
Maybe I can be the girl I’ve been meant to be and not let my mistakes define who I am. I can make such a difference in this world. I know in the past suicide has floated through my mind. I now realize how stupid that would be. I can do so much for this world. The world needs me.
I might do stupid things way more than I should? I have a good heart and I’m still finding my way. This is me. I don’t know what you’ll do in the next year. But I know it’s going to be amazing.
Love forever, Hope

My Spiritual Diary

Dear God, January 14th 2012
I miss Jo. I miss Ethan. I miss people who understood me. I miss my old life. To me it seems I’m always destined to be all alone in my room trying not to ct myself. The fact is that I’m screwed up. And I’m scared about how screwed up I am. I’m praying to you so I won’t cut myself instead.
I feel very alone. Why does happiness have to be so far away? Why can’t I be normal? And I’m praying because I believe at this point only you can help me. Nothing and no one on Earth can ever make me feel fully safe. I’ve fallen into one of my moods again. After this last fight with my “friends” I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.
Last weekend I went on an amazing retreat where we were taught how awesome we are. But now I’m having trouble getting that feeling back. I know I have many friends but it doesn’t stop me from feeling all alone. Just me against the world. It’s so hard to win this fight, so hard.
I’m listening to My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. This is probably my 20000th time listening to it. I feel a little better now but still scared and alone. Because I’m talking to you and there is no answer. And I worry I’m worthless, that I’m incapable of not screwing things up. I was so excited to start at this new school and now I’m making the same mistakes.
It’s not that I don’t have faith that things will work out. But maybe they aren’t meant to. Maybe I’m meant to be the screwup. Someone’s gotta be right?
I feel so different from everyone. The girls at school mostly. And I feel so angry. My friends all just turned on me.
I think I could have handled everything but for Ethan. I’m never going to be the same sweet trusting girl I was before Ethan ever again. Now I’m cold and calculating and terrified of being hurt again. Who could ever love a person like me? I doubt even my parents would if they knew the whole story.

Dear God, January 15th 2012
Thank you for giving me a bit of perspective. Last night I was all about feeling sorry for myself and then we watched Soul Surfer. I love Soul Surfer. I think it should be mandatory watching for every single person on this plant. Everyone can get something out of it. I find Bethany so inspiring. I wish I could be that inspiring. I feel bad about my meltdown last night, like it was selfish. I wish I could do more and not complain so much.
Later: How can I help someone else when I can’t even help myself? I feel so sad again, God. Please let my friends come back to me.

Dear God, January 19th 2012
You are probably disappointed in me. I am too. I’m so ashamed of myself but proud at the same time. I don’t care if I end up dead but God don’t let my parents find out I am doing these web shows. Is what I’m doing so wrong? I feel lost and afraid. So afraid of myself, of what I’m doing. Please help me. I know it’ll make things so much better.
At least I haven’t cut myself. I know it’s lame (my standards that is) but why did my friends have to leave.