Midnight Thoughts

I’m sorry.

I’m really, really sorry. I don’t even know why I still think of you. I don’t even want to like you anymore, but I still do. I’m not good at the crappy metaphor or idiom things that author writes on their books. I can’t be that creative on how to describe you. I don’t care about my grammar and spelling cause that’s... I don’t have the wavy blonde hair or the shyness that other main characters in movie have. But, I do have a terrible story behind my crappy words.

I still love you.

I don’t want to, but I do. I guess, I’m just bored...? Or not... I just feel like, the urge to write my thoughts down ‘cause I just can’t keep it all bottled in me. I just can’t let myself explode. No, not in this way.

I still miss you.

I miss talking to you without getting judged by what I say. I miss being with you without words in my way. I miss holding you without eyes criticizing me. I miss laughing with you without any hesitation. I miss you saying goodbye every time you need to go somewhere, even if it means leaving for a second. I miss loving you and feeling like I’m in heaven. I miss kissing you with curiousness within it. I miss you.
Maybe, you won’t see this. But if you do, I still dream of you every night. In my dreams, you tell me you still love me back. You tell me you were wrong that you ever let me go. But, it’s all in my dreams. It felt good, though. It really felt good to dream of you because that’s the only way I could tell you I love you, just like before.

I’ve never wrote anything like this before. It’s because I’ve never been this broken. I’ve never let someone break me before. I’ve never let someone see me the way you did. You know why? ‘Cause I trusted you. I let you open me up. I gave you the key but you...

Okay, I guess this is similar to those crappy stories you read about the girl being broken and the guy being perfectly fine. Then, the girl tries to win back his heart with some “unique” and “special” things that help them get back together. Well, half of that is right, half is... not.

Maybe, my story is crappy like the cliché ones. However, I can never win back my guy. I can’t even talk to him and make him smile. I did do that a lot before. I made him fall in love with me before. That was all in the past.

I really hate, just, writing the word before. It makes me angry and sad. It’s like, “the period of the words”. When you say it, it’s like you’re never going to have that same sentence the same, ever again. It’s sad. We were perfect... before.

Well, this is going nowhere but I won’t let myself stop me from writing my thoughts down. It’s almost tomorrow... I still wanna know what you’re doing. I guess, it’s really hard to force yourself to be happy.

Clearly, I know you don’t love me back anymore. I know you don’t even care. You’re friends even told me, “He don’t love you anymore. Not a sign or hint of love in him to you.” Hey, they were even sorry for it. But I know they’re not.

Some of my friends say the opposite, “He still loves you. I saw him smile while looking at you.” Oh gosh, those are just some of the things they say to me. Friends, they try to cheer you up in a way, they can also hurt you. They hurt me because, with those... sentences and phrases, they get my hopes up.

It doesn’t feel right to talk about you in this way but, I can’t even say this in chat. Hey, but look, I can type all of the things I want to say to you in this. It may not let you know my thoughts but, I hope that other people can get a clue that I still love you. That’s enough, right?
It’s funny how I always remember us together. With songs, words and just things around me can help me remind you.

I look freaking terrible right now, yeah, that’s not needed information. But, if there were still us, you would tell me that I look pretty no matter what. That’s what I also miss about you: you’re a good liar. You keep complimenting me and accepting me without regret. Now, I can’t even start to tell myself I’m pretty without taking it as a joke. I just miss you loving me without labels.

...without labels. That’s where we always stood. We never told anyone that we’re a couple or something. However, it felt good to just let them know that we’re together. Just our names attached were enough for them to realize, there is an “us”.
Everything I’ve written here is not even the half of what I think of every night. But I hope that it’s enough or you to know, I still love you, DNK.

P.S.
I remember how we always made promises after every fight; to avoid the same problem again. But, the last conversation we had “before” we stopped, you and I threw those away. There were no promises to hold and glue us back. I guess you wanted it to end like there wasn’t an ending to remember. Clever of you. But it’s not the best idea you’ve made. It only made me dumb.

Cause I’m still searching for an ending.