"Barnyard Capers" A DC Fable -Episode II

Barnyard Capers
with
Barnyard Bully AmberHead & Goose-Stepping Grouchy Gander
in
I'm the boss! And you're not!"

Episode II
by
Axel Christensen

}By way of introduction, for those unfamiliar with 'Barnyard Capers' - this is a fable for adults with a warped sense of humour, but with a child's sense of imagination. It's based on the true story of two practicing control freaks, Amber Head & Grouchy Gander, who are more often than not, continuously, persistently, ceaselessly, perpetually, totally out of control all of the time.

}Episode II begins with a Barnyard Update: AmberHead was last seen running in dazed circles around the barnyard like a rooster with its head cut off, squawking, cackling and screeching to anyone within earshot, "I'm the boss! And you're not!" This frantic, somewhat ludicrous, if not comedic, scene followed his futile attempt to redefine the specifications of his position as "Head" of the barnyard. One of the underlings suggested AmberHead may have been auditioning for a guest appearance on SNL, again. AmberHead has been rejected three times previously by the producers of SNL, as being too unlikeable!.

AmberHead recently received a legal directive overruling his declaration to prevent newcomers from entering the barnyard. His earlier declaration included the banning of any and all those dangerous barnyard fowl that disagreed with him, particularly those newcomers who looked different from other barnyard fowl. AmberHead also hoped to ban all those illegal undesireables staying in and around the barnyard. AmberHead and Grouchy Gander have been working on a proposal to build a fence around the barnyard, complete with see-through plastic canopy overhead to protect against those dangerous fowl flying above, from droping excrement on the barnyard fowl below. Sorta like a fowl dome. AmberHead is waiting for the go ahead with his latest proposal from the same group that overruled his ban proposal. In your dreams, AmberHead!

The legal directive AmberHead received explained that the Head of the barnyard program isn't a dictatorial position, but more of a coordinator with checks & balances to guarantee smooth operation of the barnyard system. And all the chicken feed he can eat, of course. Sort of an incentive bonus in lieu of being in total control, or out of control, whichever fits the situation. AmberHead grimaced at the possibility of not being in absolute control of his very own barnyard program. "Where the hell is Grouchy Gander when I need him?" he was heard grousing to himself.

AmberHead suffered this overruling as a demotion to his barnyard status. He's been seething with uncontrolable rage ever since he received the directive. Obviously this set back didn't set too well with AmberHead. As a practicing control freak (fascist by any other name) AmberHead couldn't control himself any longer. He went ballistic (dementia praecox) in the middle of the barnyard. AmberHead suspected that maybe the former Head of the barnyard program had something to do with his sudden loss of stature in barnyard hierarchy. Or possibly Ornery Ol' Rooster was involved. Or perhaps both. Paranoia always makes for a creepy barnyard!

AmberHead frantically called all the underlings together for a series of meetings, resolved to find out who had the audacity to undermine his authority. After all, AmberHead is a full fledged practicing control freak, answering to no one, including his often confused self. He was infuriated and determined to get to the bottom of all this, once and for all. Watch out, underlings! Hell hath no fury like a rooster with its head cut off! Or for that matter, an out of control practicing control freak. What's the difference? There is none I know of. What will the 'forgotten others' think when they find out their chosen leader's authority has been challenged? "Where the hell is Grouchy Gander when I need him?" AmberHead groused again.


Apparently someone, probably Ornery Ol' Rooster, or the former Head of the barnyard program, had sent AmberHead an anonymous message reminding him the barnyard wasn't a left over remnant of the old southern plantation system from the days of yore. There was no need for AmberHead to assert himself as if he were a plantation overseer. Few inside the barnyard were aware AmberHead had recently retained the legal services of a former southern plantation overseer, a holdover from segregation days in the South. Both AmberHead and his racist legal advisor needed to be reminded time and again, that the underlings and others were not slaves, but paid professionals in every sense of the word. This bit of old, but new news seemed to incense AmberHead even more. He continue to babble "I'm the boss! And you're not!" even while no one was listening.

AmberHead decided to increase the number of meetings threefold. This confused the underlings even more because they were still trying to understand what the last meeting was all about. Ah, well, just another one of those flawed character traits practicing control freaks are known for. Kind of like stirring the proverbial pot, even when the pot doesn't need to be stirred. In control, or out of control, such is the life of a practicing control freak (fascist by any other name). "Where the hell is Grouchy Gander when I need him?" AmberHead wondered aloud, while grousing.

Now, if you're wondering what AmberHead has been wondering ... where is goose-stepping Grouchy Gander, you're not alone. Grouchy Gander has literally disappeared. Dropped out of sight. Taken a hike. Hit the road. Not to be seen anywhere in the barnyard, anyway. It's entirely possible Grouchy Gander may have gone shopping for a disguise. His paranoia is well known in and around the barnyard. He could very well be lurking in the shadows of the barnyard disguised at a warthog (wild pig genus, not the military vehicle), his favorite disguise. Or maybe he's gone into hibernation since he, too, had received a directive informing him that he wasn't the 'boss' of the barnyard, either.

Being one of two practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name) in the barnyard, Grouchy Gander made a feeble attempt to object to the directive, but his protestations were to no avail. He was last seen pouting, chin hanging low, as if trying to hide something, surely depressed over his lack of success in recruiting others to his newly reorganized, restructured barnyard program of 'deconstruction' which included his new program for 'economic nationalism.' It didn't matter that no one knew what either program was all about because neither did Grouchy Gander or AmberHead. Grouchy Gander had found those words in his little black fascist handbook under the chapter on creating chaos and turmoil leading to confusion amongst barnyard fowl.

Now it's possible Grouchy Gander could have gone into hiding once he realized what the barber had done to his oversized head, his last visit; an award winning lop-sided buzz-cut extraordinaire! Depending on his mood, Grouchy Gander has often been mistaken for his favorite disguised warthog (wild pig genus, not military vehicle), stiff hair tufts and all. Grouchy Gander's favorite paranoia disguise now includes a military style flac jacket, complete with bullet proof vest, and Snoopy goggles. However, he has yet to find an army helmet to fit his oversized head. Maybe the buzz-cut haircut will help.

Even in his absence from the barnyard, one has to assume Grouchy Gander continues to maintain his daily ritual(s); repeatedly scratching his backside; constantly checking for the time (and being surprised time hadn't changed much since the last time he checked a few seconds ago); staring into space while crossing imaginary t's and dotting i's in his little black fascist hand book (1930s edition), while attempting to rewrite his next motivational speech for an unknown and as yet unspecified audience. All the while attempting to practice his goose-step marching to the music from the stageplay 'Hamiliton' even though he has no rhythm, and frustrated at not being able to see his feet. Gander may have to settle for his known 'talent' of tuneful flatuence, instead. Finally, one must also assume Grouchy Gander is still looking for another project or two to seize control of. Just another one of those flawed character traits practicing control freaks (fascists by any other name) are known for.

The latest barnyard rumour has it that Grouchy Gander is already working on his memoirs, tentatively titled "Barnyard Tactics For Fun and Profit," sub-titled, "The Adventures of a Practicing Control Freak in Barnyard Politics," with a foreword by none other than AmberHead. Once Grouchy Gander grasps the true meaning of' deconstruction' and 'economic nationalism' he hopes to include chapters on each. Is there a best seller in the works? Hmm. Nah. Not a chance. Ahh, now back to AmberHead and the legal directives and anonymous messages he has received.

Shortly after AmberHead received his last anonymous message, the one that caused him to go ballistic, (as in dementia praecox) he received another anonymous message (one has to assume Ornery Ol' Rooster, or the former Head of the barnyard were involved). This latest message included a copy of a dated study about those who work in barnyard programs. The study was based on a survey sent to thousands of employees presently working in and/or retired from barnyard programs. What sent Amber- Head over the edge, as into a ballistic mode (dementia praecox), again, was that part of the survey dealing with why employees pursue careers in barnyard programs. According to the survey, the number one reason was because they felt it was their duty to serve in the barnyard. And why did they remain in barnyard programs? The number one reason was because they felt honored to serve in the barnyard. And why did those that left barnyard programs leave their careers behind? The number one reason was because of their total disgust serving under incompetent bosses. The study also stated the underlings that left or were forced to leave because they were fed up with the nepotism, patronage, favoritism, loyalty pledge that AmberHead and Grouchy Gander had brought to the barnyard program. The lack of experience and expertise of many of AmberHead's appointees was appalling to many long time veteran underlings, and down right insulting, to say the least.

AmberHead must have related to this study, or he knew about it, or perhaps, he was a part of the study. Because after reading it he screamed repeatedly "I'm the boss! And you're not!" to all within earshot. Then he immediately queried each and every one of the underlings trying to find out if they knew anything about it, and who may have sent it. And why was it sent to him? Hmm! Was someone trying to tell him some- thing? Nah! No one tells AmberHead anything! He knows all there is to know about everything, including barnyard programs. After all, he's the boss! Or so he says! All the underlings looked at one another as if asking, "So, who's the boss, anyway?" And "Who cares?" said the blind man to his deaf dog as he asked, "Where the hell is the former Head of the barnyard when you need him?" Never fear! He is near. He must be here. He has no peer. Could the former Head of the barnyard program be the mysterious Barnyard Sage Soothsayer Seer? Or is Ornery Ol' Rooster mounting his 'revolution' program early?

Episode II leaves us with the following unanswered questions: Has AmberHead become so paranoid, and overcome with doubt about the possibility of no longer being the boss of barnyard programs? Will he discover who sent all those anonymous messages? Will Grouchy Gander ever come out of hiding? Will he change his disguise? Will Ornery Ol' Rooster return to the barnyard? What will happen when the 'forgotten others' discover their chosen leader is totally incompetent? All these questions and more will be answered in Episode III of 'Barnyard Capers' with AmberHead & Grouchy Gander. Coming soon to your neighborhood barnyard.


Most fables have a moral. The Barnyard Sage Soothsayer Seer offers the following advice to AmberHead & Grouchy Gander;

Never count your          chickens before they hatch. Oh, that's a Grandmother's fable.

You never know what's inside an egg until you crack it open. It could be the 'boss of all bosses.' Ahh, but that's a mafia fable.

AmberHead & Grouchy Gander must walk softly on the egg shells of life, lest they walk on themselves. Ah, but that's a Buddist fable.

AmberHead & Grouchy Gander must volunteer to join 'Control Freaks Anonymous' (a 12 step recovery program for practicing control freaks)

NOTE: Recommended reading: See Facebook.com

Who Are Those Guys?" by Cmo Phiri
                   "The Boy Who Would          Be King" by Axel Christensen
                   "A Tale of Three          Ugly Sisters and Donald Trump" by JD Hill
                   "They Shoot          Horses, Don't They?" & "Soylent Green Is People." By JD          Hill
                   "AmberHead and the          Carpetbaggers" by JD Hill
                   "Who Needs the          Kardashians? We've Got Trump and the GOPers." By JD Hill