No Shoes, No Service.

         Erik was having a good time. In fact, I think it would be safe to say that Erik was having a very good time. It was a Friday night, and he had left his friend (and owner) Katie for the night and was hanging with his friends Tom, Sam, and Dud at a turtle bar in his hometown, Rome, New York. They were kickin' it back, havin a few beers, but unfortunately when Erik is slightly inebriated, his mind is extremely malleable, and Sam decided to have fun.
         "Hey Erik, what are you doing ordering that beer?"
         Looking very confused, Erik replied, "Uh, well, I was gonna drink it."
         "Well," said Sam, "You can't order that beer in here unless you have shoes, and it doesn't appear that you have shoes."
         "Where did that rule come from?"
         "There was a sign on the door. Didn't you see?" At this point, Sam winked at Tom, who slipped outside, and then back in again. Erik, who hadn't noticed the wink or Tom because he was gaining wisdom from the bubbles in his beer, said, "Well, let's have a look then."
         Upon stepping outside the door, the four turtles saw a napkin stuck to it with gum. On the napkin was hastily written in black, ballpoint pen, "No shoes, no service."
         "Wow!" said Erik. "I guess I better find some shoes if I'm gonna have another beer!" Never suspecting that his friends might be tricking him, the not-quite-drunk turtle walked (with an effort) down the street, turned a corner, and set off to find some shoes. Tom, Sam, and Dud stared after him. "You think he'll be okay?" asked Tom. "Sure," said Sam. "He's not drunk enough to get run over like last time." Dud stared off into space. It was his trademark. Tonight, however, he did not simply remain with Tom and Sam. He set off after Erik, following him at a distance, and watching to see if he could indeed find shoes.
         When Dud finally saw Erik, he was chatting with a squirrel who lived in a tree next to the local savings bank. Normally squirrels do have a stunted vocabulary, but this one had become rather obsessed with Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham," and his speech now resembled that of a parrot. "Excuse me," began Erik, "but do you happen to be selling turtle shoes?"
         "I do not like green eggs and ham!" replied the squirrel.
         "I can certainly understand that!" said Erik. "However, it would be very helpful if you had any turtle shoes."
         "I do not like them, Sam I am!"
         "Oh, your name is Sam? I have a friend named Sam," said Erik, smiling to himself. At this point, the squirrel began shrieking violently.
         "Sam I am! Sam I am!"
         "Okay, okay!" said Erik. "So your name is Sam, but are you selling turtle shoes?"
         "I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a house, I will not eat them with a mouse, I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am! Sam I am! Sam I am!"
         At this point, Erik thought it best to let the squirrel be. "Thank you, and good evening!" The squirrel began having muscle spasms and coninued yelling "Eggs and ham! Eggs and ham! I will not eat them! Not eat them! Sam I am! Sam I am!" and with a thump, fell from the tree. Erik, oblivious to the sqirrel's obvious insanity, continued down the street, humming to himself. Dud, watching this, just shook his head and went back to join the others at the bar, convinced that Erik was harmless to both himself and society as a whole.
         Next, Erik came upon a Friendly's Ice Cream and decided to inquire about shoes there. He entered, and since he was alone, was seated at a two person table. He looked at the people around him. In the booth opposite him, there were three teenage friends getting ice cream. Well, he supposed that two of them were more than friends, considering what was going on under the table. He looked around some more, but didn't have a chance to really take anything in, because the young waitress came to his table. "Just ice cream this evening?" she asked in a flat, nasal, and bored voice. "No, no ice cream thank you."
         "Will you be ordering dinner then sir?"
         "No, no thank you."
         "Then why are you here?"
         "I'd like to buy turtle shoes."
         The waitress, thinking turtle shoes a type of ice cream (similar to the infamous Moose Tracks) rolled her eyes and said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't sell that here, but if you tell us what that's made of, I'm sure we could put some together for you."
         Erik was most definitely confused, but hopeful that they could supply him with some shoes. "Well, I suspect they're made of rubber, possibly with laces - I'd like them in a tennis shoe form if you would, with denim coloring."
         The waitress, by now fed up with people coming in and making prank orders, said "Look, are you going to order food? Because if you're not, you should really leave."
         "Well, no, I wasn't going to order food . . . " At this point, Erik noticed how attractive the waitress was. "But would it be ok if I called you sometime?" The waitress just walked away. Ouch, that one was harsh thought Erik.
         Erik had one thought left - he could go to Grandma's!
         Of course, the grandma to which he referred was not his grandmother, but Katie's grandmother. She lived in a big white house not far from the Friendly's. When he knocked on the door, it was hastily approaching eleven o'clock - well past Grandma Sarah's bedtime. Also oblivious to time at this point, Erik knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked harder. He rang the doorbell. He jumped up and down and sang showtunes. Grandma Sarah came to the door.
         "Erik?! What the heck are you doing at my door?"
         "Excuse me Grandma Sarah, but I need shoes. Do you have any turtle shoes?"
         Now, Grandma Sarah was very tired, but she sensed that Erik was having a little trouble getting his brain to work. She invited him in. "Now Erik, tell me why you need shoes." As he recounted the story to her, she understood that he had been totally duped by his friends. Rather than embarass him by telling him his mistake, she said, "Well, that's very interesting Erik. I think I may have something that will help . . . "
         So, at about midnight, Erik walked back in to the turtle bar, and, to the surprise of his friends, settled down to order another beer. He was wearing the cutest pair of knitted baby booties they had ever seen.