Vanish

i put on a show
everyday
i wake up
i mask myself from the world
and preform like a puppet
with depression being my ventriloquist.
it eats at me
like it's starving
and it wants nothing more than to see me starve with it.
it wants to get in my head
it wants to put thoughts in my mind
thoughts that shouldn't belong in a child's mind
thoughts that shouldn't belong in anyone's mind
when the world gives you nothing and all your hopes
all your dreams
just lead to you wanting nothing more,
nothing less
than death.
that constant thought
that "what if"
that "what if i died"
thinking over and over who would actually care
your mom
sure
brother ?
maybe
everyone else ?
would they actually care
they'd probably feel sad for a second but would i ever be on their mind again?
top of their thoughts ?

to lose someone
it's a horrible horrible thing
but to lose someone
over
and over
and over again
it makes you think
makes you ask
why would anyone want to be around you when all you can do is scare people off
make them feel small because of your own insecurities.
maybe death is the best answer
maybe people tell you not to kill yourself because death is the secret to your own mental release
a release from these thoughts
release from the things destroying you inside
release from the loss
release from your insecurities
just release from the shitty person you are.
maybe people tell you not to kill yourself because they like the pain.
maybe your wanting
your need for death
makes them feel alive.
i'm just lost
i'm a lost
shitty
insecure
depressed
teenager
just like the rest of them.
at least the rest of them aren't moronic assholes like me.
the rest of them don't ruin other people's lives just to ruin my own.
i don't know what it is about me
i reject happiness
it comes to me on a silver platter
and i just shove it away
no matter how much i need it
no matter how constant death is on my thoughts.
i toss all my happiness out the window
i feed it to the strays
i sprinkle my happiness around and then i watch others take it.
like savages.
most of my happiness
just gone
right before my very eyes.
and the one person
the one person
that makes me overily happy,
i swear he's just going to up and leave one day.
that's not a paranoid fear either.
one day
he will find something about me
that he just doesn't like anymore
one day
he will be gone
one day
all of my happiness
the small amount that i have left
will just vanish
and then
i will vanish with it