Clarity

Clarity

I was exhausted, laying with eyes closed trying to get to sleep. Another long, busy day, and that was just work. Home was the normal bustle of frantically getting out in the morning, then an afternoon mostly in the car as we hauled the older kids to appointments, practices, whatever, back for pick-ups, then take-out food, again. Thank goodness Susie is such a good egg.

My thoughts shifted to Susie, our baby. Younger than the next up by four years, her time on the planet has been a whirlwind of three older sibs in school, sports, dance, gymnastics... and a mother who felt guilty all the time. I had never even taken her to one baby group, and she was already two! Back working full time when we were surprised with her presence, I’d only taken three months’ maternity leave when she was born. I’d been working my way up the ladder for so long, I didn’t want to have to start over. I tried to alleviate the guilt by telling myself she was doing fine. We spent all our ‘car time’ singing, playing, reading. I always had the older kids sing and read to her too. Our car rides were one big playdate with her brother and sisters. Was that enough?

Suddenly something touched my face, making me jump. It was soft as a feather, but it wasn’t a feather. My eyes shot open, and there, two inches away, was Susie’s round little smiling face.

“Mummy,” she said “Let’s go. Car!” tugging at my arm. She’d woken up and decided she wanted to play, in the car! Carrying her back to bed, I promised her we’d play in the car tomorrow.

Once I got her to sleep, I went back to my own bed, and slept like a baby.