Rainbow to Black & White to Rainbow

-When I was a kid, I could see colors. So many pretty shades; blues, reds, greens. My life was full of innocence and the illusion that being an adult was far off, almost unthinkable. I laughed freely and loved easily; my heart was in one piece and my mind was not a shattered mess. I can't see the colors anymore, not because I'm color blind or anything. I'm just dead inside and have lost my will to live. Now, my laughs cost me something and, love is hard. I hear voices in my head; they talk to me, tell me horrible things and, make me want to die. I am no longer afraid of monsters under my bed or in my closet; the real monster is inside my head.
-It's 6:45 a.m. and, I have not slept at all. This is not unusual for me. Sleep is something that I used to take for granted and now I wish I could fall asleep as easily as I did when I was a kid. Oh well. Time to get ready for school. Slowly, I get out of bed and head to the bathroom. I shower, brush my teeth and, smear on some black eyeliner. I head down the hall, dressed in my usual ensemble of skinny jeans, t-shirt, Converse and a baggy hoodie. My mom says I look frumpy but, I don't care. It's not like I'm hoping to get a boyfriend, I've got bigger plans. Today is just another day, I try to tell myself. There's nothing to worry about, just get on the bus, get to school, survive classes. Not even two seconds into the bus ride and I'm panicking. My IPod is dead. I can't make it through the day without my music. When I say this, I am being serious. I legitimately cannot deal with school if I don't have earbuds in, blasting the loudest music I can find. It helps keep the voices quiet thus, keeping me somewhat sane and able to concentrate on my work. I am so screwed. Little kids are screaming on the bus so, I try to tune everything out but, it's a little difficult to do that when 10 year olds are screaming profanities. We get to school and honestly, my heart is pounding and all I want to do is cry. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I have to go to class and sit through hours of awful teachers, mouthy kids, and the overwhelming feeling of a panic attack coming on. I hate myself so much. Why am I so weak that I can't go to school without freaking out, like a normal kid? Why do I have to suffer from anxiety and depression that is so overwhelming sometimes, I can't even breathe? Some days are so awful that I am honestly shocked that I manage to make it. When people try to ask me what's wrong and all I can say is I don't know; they act like, if I don't know then I should be fine. I cry because, I don't know why the voice inside my head is telling me I want to die.
-I make it through the first half of the day, my head buried in a book to try and drown out my insanity. Lunch comes and I can't hold it in anymore. I go to the bathroom and cry. I don't know why I'm crying or why I feel like I can't breathe but, I hate it. The bathroom door opens so, I quickly stuff my fist in my mouth to keep myself from making any noise. The girls talk about their makeup and boyfriends, dragging on and on. The warning bell goes off, letting everyone know that lunch is over. I can't leave right now though. I can't walk out of the stall when those girls are still in here. I'm one hundred percent sure my eyeliner is running down my face and my nose is probably as red as Rudolph's from crying. Why aren't they leaving to go to class? I hold my breath and try to listen to what they are talking about, figure out if they ever plan on leaving or if I'm going to have to skip class.