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My journal - expect incoherence. |
| This is my journal. A hopefully honest outpouring of my thoughts. |
| So I feel my infatuation with Izzy has run its course, which is good. Still the occasional fantasy about her but fantasizing about her isn't something I'm going to worry about. I did have a strange dream featuring Sandy Toksvig, I can't remember what she was doing in the dream or what really happened, I know the dream ended with me turning into a woman and having lesbian sex on a mattress with a woman who was looking after a dying poodle. Maybe Sandy Toksvig featuring in the dream wasn't the strangest part of it! |
| Things seem to be going fine, and then suddenly it all goes to shit without warning. Today we seemed to be having a good day, had to go out and pick some stuff up from the shops this morning, played in the park for a while and then got lunch. My daughter went down for a nap ok, while she was napping me and my wife had sex (because the app says we have to apparently). Then the afternoon went ok with a lot of running round the house. I fed my daughter dinner and did the bedtime routine (change her, brush her teeth and read stories) my wife takes over to give her a feed and put her down. So while my wife is feeding I make dinner, it's done a couple of minutes before she comes down so I put hers in the oven. She then comes down and starts complaining, complaining that I shouldn't have started making dinner as hers would be cold (which it wasn't, it had been in the oven for two minutes), that I didn't bring the empty washing basket down with me (which she managed to bring down all by herself without any issues), and that I didn't take her phone up to her. No thanks for dinner or anything, just complaining, and then she gets upset with me because when I finish my dinner I don't want to sit at the table and hear her moaning at me. And now my daughter is being awkward and waking up, it takes 15 minutes to get her back to sleep and then she stays asleep for about 5 minutes. And obviously my wife can't do anything as she's too tired. It was a good day and she's too tired, and yet she somehow thinks she can manage to keep doing this whilst pregnant and then with trying to look after two of them. I've no idea how we are going to cope, at the moment all I can think is that we aren't! |
| While I'm still in a bit of an odd mood I thought I would share something that I found a little special. I am signed up to a website where you do online surveys and for each survey you earn points and then you can eventually convert points to money, it's taken a few years but I finally got to the point I can redeem points. So I fill in the details and it says I should get the money in 4 weeks. I then check my inbox and I've got an e-mail with the subject: Your redemption is being processed! Am I only the one who finds that a little funny? Conjures up images of someone trying to get into heaven and being asked to stand aside while it's still being processed. |
| Not sure how my train of thought went, but i ended up thinking about cock-shots (also known as dick-pics). I was trying to work out what the female equivalent is. There are nip-slips but that is slightly different. I think the favourite one i came up with is twat-snap, although the slightly more alliterative snatch-snap is also fun. Not sure if there is an official term, googling it may turn up some interesting results. And to keep with the random theme, a completely different topic. They statistics on my blog seen to keep hovering at 8 unique members which means it doesn't give me a demographic breakdown which is a shame. My blog was linked to from a blogging newsletter which seems to have pushed it up to 9 members so only 1 away from possibly seeing some demographics (I've no idea what percentage of people actually full in the information) would be nice to see something than n/a listed all over the place. |
| I was wondering the other day about friends. As I have said I don't have anyone I consider a friend. I have 60ish if you believe Facebook but I feel that definition of friend is: someone who knows you well enough to work out that the profile they found belongs to you. Unless of course you are one of those people who actively search out people on Facebook rather than just sitting waiting for friends requests to come in. When I was a child I had friends although in our group of friends there were only a couple that I actually liked but that's kind of how friendship groups work. As is natural we grew up and people changed and as a result my opinion of some of them lowered. Some became a little sex obsessed which isn't that uncommon when you hit about 15. Some just became generally annoying. I still had some friends, my girlfriend's best friend and I would chat on the phone for hours some evenings, plus there was my girlfriend. But over time the number of friends I had diminished. I think in my second year of college there was a bit of a resurgence due to me basically ditching my old group of friends and hanging out with people who I liked. At university I didn't really have many friends, final year picked up a bit as the long hours and the stress start to have an effect and you need someone to moan about how tired you are. Since then I've had a handful of friends with that number slowly dwindling. The problem I have is the more time I spend with someone, the more likely I am to realize how annoying our boring they are or maybe they are mildly racist but not in a funny way. so the question is: Am I less tolerant in my old age or do I care less about having friends, so put in less effort to ignore the personality traits that make me want to slap someone? If me and my wife split up and it's that I am less tolerant does that mean I'm unlikely to ever put up with someone long enough to develop a relationship? Fortunately the whole escort thing looks fairly respectable now, I've never paid for sex but that would remove all the crap about needing to like someone. |
| The whole regrets thing is slightly weird. The common theory is that you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do, but I'm not sure about that. That would mean you would always regret not having an affair more than having an affair. It sounds more like justifying doing what you want. So the question is do I have any regrets? My daughter is the best thing in the world, every decision I've made has lead to her birth so surely to regret any of it is like saying I wish I had done something different, but doing something different could have meant my daughter not being born. So if I had to do my life over I'd do everything exactly the same so in that respect I'd have to say I have no regrets. At least none from before my daughter was born. But there are still times where I wonder what might have happened. Probably the one I wonder about most was when I was 17. There was a girl at college, we were good friends and I developed feelings for her. At one point a bunch of us went to a club and then all slept round at a friends house, me and her stayed up all night talking, during which time I admitted I had feelings for her. The thing is it was a bit complicated, both of us were still sleeping with our exes. Her ex was a douche and mine was going through a lot of problems as I've mentioned before. I don't know how much later it was, could have been a few weeks, we went out again as a group. Me and her needed to get buses home so everyone else left and we walked to the bus stop. It was late and rather cold and it was quite a wait for our buses. For some reason I ended up behind her with my arms round her in a hug for quite a while I think it was in December so was pretty cold. The longer I hugged her the more the urge to turn her round and kiss her built. And I think my courage was almost at the point where to overcome my fear of rejection when my bus turned up. So instead of kissing her I got on my bus, my bus then sat at the bus stop for about 5 minutes with me and her texting each other, while she was still in the bus stop waiting for her bus. So I often wonder what would have happened if I had kissed her, based on conversations we had afterwards I'm pretty sure she would have kissed me back. I don't think we would be together, we didn't even stay friends that much longer, that happened in the first year of college, at the start of the year she was with her boyfriend, they then split up (but as I said continued having sex). He was a year below so it wasn't until our second year of college that he started. As I said he was a douche, he was also from a rather rough school and so don't think any of his school friends went to the same college, so he had no-one to spend time with, and our group of friends didn't like him. So she would end up spending any frees that overlapped with him with him and so slowly dropped out of the group, I also got bored of a lot of my friends and so dropped out of the group anyway. She ended up getting back together with her ex. We went to different universities but every so often she would contact me to "catch up" and see how things were going. Pretty much it seemed that she would break up with her ex because he cheated on her, we would exchange a few text messages for a couple of weeks, then she would go back to her ex. I think that might have only actually happened 3 times including the time at college but it was enough to get the impression of a pattern. It was in one of those text message conversations that she said something along the lines of if timing had been different maybe me and her would have been together, which I took to mean if we both happened to be single (and available) at the same time then maybe we would have given it a go. So I can't say I currently regret not kissing her, at times I did, but kissing her could have resulted in us staying together maybe having kids, maybe not, we might have stayed together through university then split up and if we had been together when I finished university who knows where I might have ended up working, I might not have gone a placement year. So I might never have met my wife and hence our daughter wouldn't have been born. Or maybe we would have had a short relationship and nothing else would have changed except my tally of sexual partners would be 4 instead of 3. Since my daughter was born I can't think of any particular regrets, although I'm generally quite tired all the time now so may just not be remembering them, there are little things which have caused arguments with my wife and stuff but nothing major. |
| So a while back I was at a work social event. Izzy was there, this was before I had feelings for her, she asked if people wanted to go for a walk. This resulted in me, her and another guy walking about 50 yards then stopping and chatting for a little bit. It seemed a little strange but I didn't pay that much attention to it, the event was winding down anyway. The other day I overheard Izzy asking the other guy if he wanted to go for a walk to pick up stationary. At which point I started wondering if the reason the "walk" after the picnic was odd is because they weren't expecting anyone else to agree to the walk. They started at the same time and so do a lot of social events together (as youngsters are apt to do) and have lunch together. So it all seems like maybe they are together, but it seems odd if it is so secret. I have vague memories of him talking about a girlfriend at one point but no idea if he could have been referring to Izzy or it might have been a previous girlfriend or perhaps they are having an affair. On the one hand if they are together it would be good, as that would be fairly strong proof that she isn't pining over me. And if she is happy then that's also a good thing. But this not knowing is killing me. I should just assume they are together, but part of me kind of hopes they aren't as that would give the tiny bit of hope that something could happen between us (as I've already discussed that possibility doesn't really exist). There is also the small part of me thinking if they are having an affair then it could have been us (again completely ridiculous argument). So does this help me move on? Does it just give me something else to think about and fret on? |
| I've mentioned previously about my wife asking me to assess the day on a scale of very unhappy to very happy. I've still not had a day where I'm very happy and most days I'm neutral. She wants to know what would make me happier and I have no clue. In a similar topic, yesterday I was talking to a guy who was moaning about the end of the world, and what would you do if you knew the world was ending in a month, would you continue going to work? Would you spend it with family? If I knew the world would end in a week then I'd spend it with my daughter, which presumably would be with my wife as well. I'd also spend it eating jaffa cakes and ferrero rocher. But if it were a month it's a harder question. I don't really have a bucket list to make my way through. Obviously I wouldn't bother with work but I don't know what I would do. The other question is what would I change if I no longer had to work? For example if I won the lottery. I don't think I would quit my job, but I'd do less hours. I don't really know what I'd spend my time doing, there are lots of things I feel I don't have time for like playing computer games, but realistically at the moment even if I had the time, I don't have the energy or enthusiasm. There is DIY and decorating that needs doing on the house and while I'd like to do that it's not that doing that would make me happier. So I'm not happy, I don't know what would make me happy and I don't want to change anything. Seems like a confusing situation to be in. |
| So I was reading through random blogs, and I found one talking about Limerence, It seems like a fancy way of saying you have a crush on someone. There is a wikipedia article about it which basically talks about it as a disorder, with things like how long it takes to recover (typically 18 months to 3 years). It talks about coping mechanisms, well I'm not sure that's an accurate description, it talks about one coping mechanism which is to avoid the person till the feelings subside, and then it talks about 2 other ways in which you can recover, one is finding out the person does like you, which I guess means for some it's all in the chase, and the other is it magically transferring it to someone else. I kind of feel that it's all just a bunch of nonsense, trying to label something and turn it into some form of psychosis just so people feel better at having a diagnosis. If someone said the 3 ways to deal with fancying someone are: 1) Go out with them 2) Ignore them 3) Find someone else to fancy I don't think anyone would really be all that surprised, they are kind of the 3 obvious ways of dealing with it. Do people really need it all wrapped in complex terms? |
| Obviously I have a main account, that's why I have the little 2nd on my briefcase. But it's all a little strange as I'd rather people not work out which my main account is. Although I doubt it's all that hard if someone was really determined. The site isn't really big enough for everything to get lost amongst the crowds. But it's strange to have a journal on this account that talks about everything apart from what I'm doing on this site. There are going to be times when things collide, I've written a romance piece with the leading lady based on Izzy, which may sound a little strange as I've said my wife could read my pieces from my main account, but many stories have characters based on real people so it's not really unusual. But anyway, back to the topic of my recent vacation. One thing I realised is how old I'm getting. When I was a teenager I was swimming at least 500m before breakfast, I was struggling to swim 100m. In one case after getting my daughter to sleep by walking her round the garden for a while just 25m left me exhausted. I also would run up the stairs to the apartment (over 10 floors) multiple times a day, I tried walking up the stairs once on vacation and was left completely breathless. I don't think I can put it all down to lack of sleep, maybe it's the fact that other than chasing after my daughter in the park I've not done any exercise in years. I really should start doing something. Yet another thing to do with my non-existent free time! |
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