Wanting

I want for so much
I want a life that would make me feel alive
And a chance to give that feeling to friends
Or at least to the friends I have yet to make

I want the opportunity to be independant
To carve out a wealthy lifestyle full of what I never had as a child
Yet I also want the gift of being dependant
Having someone love me so much that they're willing to sacrifice
Money, Time, Emotional and Physical energy...
I want the ability to be myself and be theirs, and give that in return

I want for so much
But I will get none of it
My childhood has been spent aiming for others' wants
My early adulthood has been spent quite the same
And now, only two months from my twentieth birthday
I've been doing nothing but giving up everything for someone I believe I love

That should make me happy
The idea that my love keeps someone alive and sane should fill me with such absolute joy
It does, to a point
I'm so prideful that I'm depended on by being dependant
It serves one of my larger desires as well as his own
Yet it doesn't
Because the amount of energy it takes to walk that path
Is enough to fill that road with irepairable cracks and chip away at my youth
My ambitions have all but dissapeared and now I'm just riding out the tidal waves
Hoping and praying for a chance to both repair and revoke my sense of self

This should make me happy
Sitting here, in a house I haven't bought
With friends I haven't earned
And food I didn't work for
I should be happy to be able to sit here and write
I should be happy to be able to play as many games as I want without a care in the world
I should be happy...

I should be...