April Mornings

It was the morning of mid-April; the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and flowers were blooming. Just the perfect day, right? Well, for everyone else it might have been just that but for me it was the opposite. There was something about this morning that nagged at me, something wasn’t right. But for the love of God I could not seem to figure out what had been wrong with what most consider to be the perfect morning. Even the water tasted better. I walked along my expansive house to wake up my children and get them ready for school. And as I walked through the hallway of my children’s many memories hanging on the wall, my stress level was building. But from what? I walked into my youngest child’s room first, Celeste, because she was always the easiest to wake up. And just like every day before this one she was sound asleep in her princess bed, wearing her princess pajamas, surrounded by princess décor in her little bedroom. I nudged her ever so slightly and her big, beautiful brown eyes fluttered open with her cute, thin lips curling into a smile. I gave her a kiss on her forehead.

“Good morning sunshine,” I chirped.

“Morning mommy!” she cheered tiredly.

We picked out an outfit together. Today was the first day of Kindergarten for my little angle and she was so excited. She just had to wear her favorite pink tutu with her plastic princess tiara. Once her hair and teeth were brushed and her body was clothed I sent her down to eat the already prepared breakfast. I watched my little Celeste skip down the stairs with little caution. My mother senses were going off the chain but I still couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I walked into my youngest son’s room, Marcus, and there he was. Snoring like a grown man in his twin sized bed that was starting to look a little small for his growing body. I walked over to him and pushed him a little harder than I pushed Celeste. His eyes jolted open and he jumped up.

“Mom! You always scaring me!” he screamed.

“Good morning, Marcus,” I said.

He smiled at me, “Good morning mom.”

I informed him that breakfast was already made. I left him to get ready. It was his last year of elementary school and at this point he had decided that it was to childish for his mother to help him get dressed. I walked to my next daughters room, Chania, and just like Celeste I woke her up with just a slight nudge. Her eyes like her fathers, a dark green rimmed with blue, jumped open. A surge of energy surged through her and she jumped out of bed.

“Good morning mommy!” she cheered.

She had just lost her two front teeth so every time she flashed me a snaggle toothed smile I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Morning Chania!” I cheered back at her.

It was her first day of second grade and she was so excited not to be considered a baby in school anymore. I helped her pick out an outfit and helped her with her hair, made sure that her teeth were brushed and her feet were covered with shoes then sent her down to breakfast. My oldest child, my son Nick, didn’t have school that day. Since he didn’t primarily live with me or his half-brother and sisters, he went to school out of county. Some school by his dad’s. So, I decided to let him sleep in and I would take him out to breakfast later. It was still crazy to me that he was going to start high school in less than a week. I went down the carpeted stairs with caution. All my school children were filling themselves with blueberry pancakes, oranges, cinnamon rolls, and milk. It sounds like a lot, trust me I know, but none of them like the same things so I must mix it up a bit. Marcus had already spilled food on his brand new white t-shirt. He ran upstairs to grab a new one. School started in twenty minutes and it was about a fifteen-minute drive. The moment Marcus returned I hauled the children into the car and drove off. Every second of the drive to that school my nerves grew and grew but I still couldn’t understand why. Maybe it was just the fact that all my children are going to be in school now; kids just grow up to fast and some of them, not at all.

When I pulled up to the school I felt the tears build up in my eyes and one fell down my cheek. All my precious babies are going to school now. I kissed them all good bye and told Marcus to be sure that his sisters made it to class alright. I didn’t leave until I saw that they were safely in the school. Right before they went out of my vision Celeste turned around and waved good bye and mouthed ‘I love you’ to me. It was the sweetest thing and at the same time the saddest thing that happened just that morning. The drive home was worse than the drive to the school. It felt empty. But I couldn’t understand why it had felt like this. I had done these a thousand times and that morning my emotions were out of control. I pulled into my drive way where I found my eldest child to be reading on the front porch, I think it was his summer reading.

“Morning Sunshine,” I said happily.

“Morning,” he moaned.

“Great to see you too, Nick.” I said a little more bitterly than I meant too.

“How was dropping off your prized position’s?” he asked me sarcastically.

I sighed. I never knew why this boy had acted this way, he has always been bitter to me ever since me and his father split up which was a while ago. I had children with another man, who I got married too, and who also died in Iraq a month ago.

“Why do you act like this,” I felt tears start to build.

“Maybe I’m not used to sharing my mom with children that are supposed to be my brother and sisters,” he snapped.

“They are your brother and sisters!” I said sternly.

Nick had always been harsh towards them because he didn’t look related to them at all. It was mainly because they had color in them and he didn’t. Nick didn’t like to be the child that stood out.

“Well, then why don’t they look like me?” he said.

I gave him a disgusted look, “You know very well that you have a different dad from them. A very different dad. And it is wrong for you to act like that because they are half black!”

His harsh, stern face softened at the idea of himself being racist. But that’s exactly what he was doing. He mumbled an apology to me and stumbled back inside.

I was quick to follow him and stopped him in the middle of the dining area.

“Look, you missed the big breakfast. Would you like me to take you somewhere?” I tried to make a peace offering.

He gave me a weak smile and nodded his head. So, there we were, right back outside. I jumped into the driver’s side of my SUV and waited for him to get into the passenger’s side. I started the car and looked at the clock, it has already been an hour since I dropped off the small children. Nick finally got into the car and we pulled out of the drive way and headed straight for IHOP, his favorite place for breakfast. We pulled in, and I was surprised to see that it wasn’t crowded. We walked in and carefully selected a booth. As we sat down someone was calling my cellphone. It was a number I didn’t recognize and thought it might be the school. Marcus must’ve gotten in trouble again. He was good at getting in trouble at school, especially on the first day. I answered it and was shocked that it wasn’t the principle but instead it was an automated message. And the news that followed shocked me worse.

“Hello parents. I regret to tell you that there has been a shooting at the school, many children were injured and some might be dead. We need you to come to the school immediately.” I remember the exact words the machine had spoken.

I stood quickly and grabbed Nick’s arm. I forced him up and to follow me out of the restaurant.

“What’s going on?” he sounded worried.

“Just follow me,” I said.

I forcefully pulled my door open and got in. Fumbling with my keys for a good minute until it finally started. We were at the school in a good ten minutes and I felt my heart drop. My nerves were completely numb because something was telling me that I wasn’t going to like the news that I had to hear. We walked into the school cafeteria waiting to see what fate my beautiful babies had received. I sat down in the small, plastic chairs that were meant for small children and felt my impatience grow. I had already cried in the car and I felt the tears build again. Nick continuously asked me what was going. He was completely left out.

“Hush Nick! You’re about to find out!” I said irritably.

I could hear my heart pound in my ears and my eyes felt like they were going to roll out of my head. A tall man with a suit and glasses, slowly walked over to the podium. Grief was stricken on his face.

“Parents,” he started, “I apologize for the occasion. Children have fallen or have been wounded while others made it safely out, physically unscathed.”

My heart was sinking from my chest to my lower stomach, my legs were tingling, and my whole body was shaking with fear.

“Here I have a list!” the principal announced, “Of all the children who have fallen.”

He cleared his throat and I thought that time itself was standing perfectly still, because not one person even dared to blink.

“Marcus Stine,” my heart shattered, “Samantha Hues, Katie Williams, Brittney Starch, Chania Stine, Graham White, Stanley Hugh, Michelle Swine, and Kaleb Mathews.”

I could hear the pain in the principal’s voice as clearly as everyone could see the mascara running down my cheeks. I looked over at Nick who was staring at the table with silent tears going down the sides of his face.

“What about Celeste?” he whispered.

I mouthed to him to wait. I was sure that the principal was going to tell us about the children who were injured. And he did.

“Now I am sure you are all waiting to hear who was injured,” the principal said, “Give me one second to find the list.”

I saw very few families crying and a lot of them impatiently waiting.

The principal cleared his throat again, “Charlette Jenson, Sammy Caunce, Sarah Benson, and finally Celeste Stine. All those children are at the Memorial Hospital. And we will now release the rest of the children to their families.”

I sat to watch the relieved families embrace their children. I can’t lie, I was so jealous to watch these people hug their children when I couldn’t even see mine. I stood up, motioned for Nick to follow, and walked to my car. My emotions were numb. I couldn’t feel anything at this point. My pride and my joy was just ripped from my grasp. I looked over to Nick who was looking at me, both of us just silently crying because to hear the pain that we felt was too much to bare. I started the car and pulled out of the school parking lot and drove off to Memorial Hospital.

I ran every red light, I broke every speed limit, I even forgot to put my seatbelt on. The moment I parked my car and shut it off was the moment reality hit me again. It kept hitting me, repeatedly. Like this was a never-ending nightmare. I got out of the car and walked inside, assuming Nick was behind me, and he was. We walked into the building and to the front desk.

“Who are you here to see hun?” the woman at the front desk asked me.

“Celeste,” my voice started to quiver, “Celeste Stine.”

The woman gave me a sad look a did some typing on the computer. She gave me another expression of desperation.

“Celeste Stine has expired,” she said softly.

I stared at her deeply and the words that just spewed out of her mouth couldn’t seem to make a sentence.

“Can you repeat that please,” I said.

“Mom,” Nick whispered.

He put his hand on my shoulder but I didn’t want to except it. There must’ve been a mistake, a huge mistake because I knew that my baby girl was not dead.

“Repeat it,” I demanded.

The nurse appeared scared but I could care less. I needed to make sure I heard her correctly, was she even talking about my Celeste? I’m sure there were a million Celeste’s in this area! She might just have typed in the wrong name.

“Ma’am. I am so sorry. But Celeste Stine expired. She expired ten minutes ago,” the nurses words echoed through my head.

Ten minutes ago.

I had just missed her. I could’ve been there for her but I missed her. My baby died with the sight of the unforgiving blank, white walls of the hospital rather than being held in her mother’s arms one last time. And the last thing she ever said to me was I love you. Did I even say I love you back?

I fell to my knees and rested my head against the cold, wooden desk.

“Sh-She can’t be dead!” I sobbed, “My baby! Oh, my sweet baby!”

In one day, my life was completely shattered. If there was any perfect moment for God to take me off this planet, then that day would have been it. I got up and wiped away my tears.

“Can I see her?” I asked, my voice shook.

The nurse nodded her head sympathetically and led me towards Celeste. When we reached the room, the nurse was quick to leave us alone with her.

I hesitated to walk in because I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to see how bad she got it. But as a mother I felt it was part of my job to see my child even if it was just what was left behind of them. I walked in crying and walked out bawling. My beautiful little girl was truly gone. It wasn’t a mistake, it was the cold hard truth of reality.

Her body was cold and her lips were a pale blue. She had three bullet wounds. One in her knee, one on her arm, and the other was in her chest. She looked so peaceful now but I could only imagine the horrifying screaming and crying the children endured. She was wearing the hospitals gown instead of the cute, quirky outfit that I had helped her put together just this morning. Off to the side of the bed was the clothes she had been wearing. Her white shirt was soaked in blood and so was her tutu. Her shoes had blood stains on them, but there was one thing that came out perfectly in shape. Her favorite, plastic, princess tiara. She couldn’t live without it. I took the tiara from the top of the folded clothes and placed it on her. It wasn’t Celeste if she wasn’t wearing her tiara. I kissed her forehead softly, tears trickled down off of my face and onto hers.

“Goodbye my beautiful angel,” I whispered.

I walked out of the room, tears stain my face, Nick behind me tears also stained his face. It was about two weeks later that I could burry my children. I didn’t want to bury them separately because I know that when they died they weren’t together. So in hopes that they could be together in the afterlife together, I buried the three of them together in the same coffin. They laid in the order from oldest to youngest, and they all held hands. They would never have to be separated again.