My Secret

Dear Tanya,
The first summer that we were here, I wanted the awning at the front out and down above my garden. Dan argued with me and made a big deal about it, saying it should be up. Later in the summer it came to me that it might be better to have the awning up. I decided that I was going to put the awning up instead and Dan started arguing with me about it and said that the awning should be down! That was when I realized for the first time that there was something wrong with him. Then I noticed that whatever I said, he always disagreed. And when I looked back, I noticed all the times that he made a point of disliking literally everything that I liked. If he found out I didn't like something, oh, woe is me, it became his favorite thing. It's like he tries to make me mad and make me lose my cool, make me cry, or shock me. I have never met anyone like him in my life. It's not normal behaviour. That's why we always, always get in arguments. I couldn't understand why we were having such a hard time getting along. I thought we were too different, incompatible, immature. I wracked my brain trying to solve our problems. Now I realize that for some reason he likes it. It's like he does it and then sits there and watches me with a big smile on his face. My tears make him happy. He is the oddest person I have ever met. That's why I told you about him burning the sheets with his cigarette and then saying look, I burnt the sheets. He must have been extremely disappointed when I acted like I didn't care. No apology or anything, just...look...I burnt the sheet. I try to explain it to people and they don't understand. They think I'm delusional or something but I think he is a sociopath or something like that. No matter what, he always wants to do the opposite or disagree over anything. Problems never get resolved. I eventually started to say that he likes to argue which he always denies, of course, but the awning incident had proved it for me. It was bizarre. Anyway, that's why I got angry and walked away from moving that canopy that night. It makes me even more upset when everyone thinks he is the normal one because I am the one always reacting. I don't want people around as much since he likes it even more when people are around. He knows exactly what buttons to push.That's why I said from now on I am going to ignore him. I know now that he is only looking for an emotional reaction. I don't even think he cares really one way or the other which eventually became clear to me by the whole awning situation. Maybe it stood out to me because I was expecting him to be happy that I decided to do it his way. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the reality because honestly who acts like that? And why? I thought he was normal. I thought I was the problem. He wanted me to think that. He told me over and over that I was the problem. If I was better, then things would be better and so I tried to be better. I remember one time after a disagreement, I was upset and hurt and he was walking around the house whistling and I thought what is wrong with him? I guess I knew something was wrong but I still hadn't entirely understood. I spent a lot of time researching things like autism and relationships and passive aggressiveness. Unfortunately, eventually, I started questioning my own perceptions. I started to look the other way. Finally, one day I said to myself, what would happen if I just stopped defending myself? I was emotionally exhausted. I was at the end of my rope. I ended up praying to God for help. Now, as you know, he lives in a different province and I rarely see him anymore but it took me a long time to accept because I wanted to believe in his fairy tale, I wanted to be wrong. I kept thinking of all the good memories at the beginning and not seeing that being around this person had slowly become torture. We couldn't even go five minutes without an issue popping up. I felt like I was going mad because it seemed like the more I tried not to argue, the more we argued. Having someone purposely try to get you emotional like he was addicted to it is a nightmare every minute of the day. Who would have ever thought that someone leaving you would be a gift? I read somewhere that someone else had a similar situation. They said it's not safe to leave this person. You have to make them leave you. Now you know why I quit my job, gained weight and cut my hair off. He still calls sometimes, checking out if things could go back to the way they used to be before I woke up. I talk to him pleasantly, I tell him I think I may have gained another five pounds. For the rest of my life, I will never come to any closure on this because it is simply incomprehensible and my mind will not wrap itself around this person ever. I keep trying to see him as like myself and that's my mistake. He is dangerous because he looks like a human. Most people can't understand and that makes it even harder. The relationship took me to the brink of insanity because he also did a lot of other things like his perpetual reframing of reality. I never misunderstood someone so much in my life. I was constantly told that my memory and hearing were bad. It got to the point where I wanted to start writing things down. Unfortunately, he knows where my friends and family live. I wonder now what would have happened if I'd left him the first time he sat and watched me cry. I just wanted you to know why I was angry at you that day. I knew that you thought I was being irrational and I was frustrated. I couldn't express what was really going on. I couldn't do that because how can I expect another person to believe it when I can't even believe it myself.
Yours Truly,
Robin