Just a story ...

I'm a mess, to say the least. I'm uncomfortable if I'm not an adequate amount of anxious, it's my normal. I was sheltering my little brother as much as possible from my parents [he hit her, she gambled, both cheated,etc], all the while being molested by a few people over a few years. Creepy grandpa and uncle. Foster mom that would lock us out in her un-insulated garage in nothing but our undies for not meeting her expectations. Uncle confirms creepy vibes with disturbing letters and telling aunt I touched him first .. after writing me a letter about how he wants to show me how a real man should touch me and that it's okay because he did my cousin already ..

Sometime in there I start taking ecstasy, even for breakfast. Camming and nudes to older guys, end up moving in with a complete stranger - late 30's, single, apartment - to escape the uncle. Find my mom again, finally. Have to share a hotel room with her and her boyfriend, he says (yes, she is present) that I've got to go or be in his bed naked.. she abandoned me in a group home for a year. He raped me once .. after 3 years of ending up homeless starting at 15 because I won't sleep with him, I finally snapped and when he got dressed and walked up the stairs only to punch me in the face ..... well, I dove for him, ripped hair out-punched, pushed- when he finally got me grounded, I turned into a 6 year old [closed my eyes and kicked violently]. I had a sprained thumb, he had a bruised face and bloody lip [mostly the kicking I believe.]

All the while, you bet I started smoking pot, doing blow on the weekends, being belligerent, etc. I found this nerdy guy - WoW and everything - to fund my none stop party. Loses his job and knocks me out - but we don't find out for almost 4 months. I completely sober up - fight through my pathological fear of interviews (and similar events) - get into parenting courses. --I'm 17 at this point; he's 27; we had to move into my moms basement and was still with pedophile McGee-- HE'S NOT READY TO BE A DAD

No shit. Me either but it's too late for abortions and I get attached too easily. I'm not putting in all the work just so I can give my heart and soul away... he gives me no more than $80 for food, cleaning stuff, toiletries, etc per month; smokes 3x the weed, plus crack (in the laundry room). regularly comes home so drunk [Example:: he locks my mom, daughter and I outside for an hour (first snowfall of the year--yes we did bang on windows, call the cell, etc--Clara-Rose was only 5 days old) .. ] he pukes everywhere. Threatened to cancel visits with my daughter if I didn't sleep with him.

I saw her for the last time 2 days before her first birthday. Same day, I try meth for the first time and get abandoned in a park after about 0.7 ($70 worth) to myself .. end up hallucinating |i opened and closed passenger door to a semi, yelling at a man about how my mother was never around and didn't love me much when I was little, eventually, I hopped a chain link fence-convinced myself I killed someone and was running from helicopters-sliced my right hand right open (21 stitches); bleed out for 8-12 hours and was 'lucky' enough for a couple to throw me in the back of their truck-keep me conscious-and take me to PLC..|

I have been struggling with drugs a long time and will take whatever is given to me really.. I don't know how to deal with emotional [psychological might be the correct term .. ] pain, except to suffocate myself with other peoples problems and tons of drugs..

I dealt drugs even for awhile ... ended up with a gun to my head and locked in a trunk for hours ... Don't do that. [[[ "Drugs are bad, mmmmmkay?" -- Southpark ]]]

If upset enough, I 'turn off'. If someone flips my switch I can temporarily completely stop caring, loving and start to say whatever it takes to break hearts, crush souls and break people. I hear noises/static, and have "shadow people" pop up in the corner of my vision. Visible as long as not glanced at directly - sometimes creeping closer, other times staying a steady distance but saying nasty things - and always feel malicious. I'm petrified of disappointing people/not meeting expectations, therefore interviews are scarier than almost anything imaginable. I've had a couple jobs but all have been through family\my mom knows them\mom dates them or [i was a nanny] when children loved me. I can't handle rejection so I have just as hard of a time asking for help as I do in interviews {complete meltdowns-sobbing, lots of tears, snot-just a wet mess}.

Motivation. Nothing has or will ever motivate me like my angel-face did .. It's hard, even, to be 'motivated' by much of anything anymore.

Can you imagine wanting so badly to be happy or content, to want a stable place to sober up and yet be so terrified of interviews and help that you literally are hopeless?