Internal Bruising

They say the ones who smile the most
Are really fighting the ghosts
Of depression

I never would've guessed I would be one of them

Kind of hard to smile
When some of your teeth are missing

Kind of hard to cry
When you know no one will listen

Kind of hard to run
When there's nowhere left to go

Kind of hard to see
The bullshit through the smoke

Fighting to breath
Your lungs collapse
50 stories of emotions
All in a pile of rubble and ash

And so
I’m drowning in my own emotions

Having to look my daughter in face
When one eye is swollen

My life has been stolen
My sanity ruined
All because some mother didn’t know what she was doing

Bringing abusive men around
her child
Then not understanding why he’s young, buck, and wild

So
when he gets angry he’s gotta put his fist through something
Something must break
Words can sting more
when it comes after a punch in the face

Sentences are numb
All food taste like blood
This all hurts so much more
When it’s from the one you love
Even more so when you two share blood

How can you look your child in the face
When she looks just like him

Or the first few nights when she cries
At no sight of him

Having to explain real men don’t hit
No matter how much love they claim is in that shit

Don’t ever think you deserved it
Or have to go through it
Alone

A few years back
At the tender age of 17
My aunt called me saying that there was a scene

At her house

My parents were arguing
And the landlord next door
could hear their mouths

She wanted me to somehow put a stop
To the humans who had given me life
So
I took my phone out
See if I could end the strife

My father picked up his phone
Saying my mother wanted to leave

I said
Let her go, if she wants to leave

He said
How will I know she’ll come back to me

And I paused
Because I knew what he meant
My mother had a problem
And I thought he was just trying to protect

He made me a promise that he’d let her go
So I went on about my business

And

got off the phone

Some hours later I received another call
My aunt yet again
but
with a quieter tone

He hit her
My aunt whispered

He punched your mom when she tried to leave
She made a comment about him wanting to fuck you
And he made a scene

I froze
Stuck in place
My father would never do that
He loves her too much to bring harm

Didn't he know that she’s my mother?
That I would run through hell fire just to give her water?
That this woman bleed on a table to give me life?
That I would kill anyone without thinking twice.

My aunt questioned again
Did you hear me?

I nodded as if she could see
I’ll be home in the morning
Because I needed some fucking time to breath

When I arrived
I smashed through the fucking gate
Ran through the door
to see I was alone

My aunt came from her bedroom scared of the noise
I hushed her with my eyes and dared her to come close

I walked into the kitchen and seen my mother bent in the refrigerator
My heart hammered, I would either pass out now or later

She stood up and turned fear crossed her eyes
This would be the last time I would see my mother cry

Black, Blue, and Swollen her face was
Had I not known my mother's smell
I’d bet that
That wasn't her

Disfigured and frail
It took me two seconds to get to the steps by grabbing the rail

I ran up the steps skipping half
My aunt screamed
As I hunted for his ass

He sat on the bed
Looking brash

Time slowed and I was in this face
Ready to fucking go

Hurt swept his face as I screamed and hollered
Not showing pain
Anger fueled my words not caring who heard
My hand bled from pressure of my nails

Just one time

Punch him in the face

But I couldn't

He stood up and approached
My heart jumped in my throat
My eyes stung from tears

Shit,
I can't show him fear

And I did what all little girls do
I ran
unable to face the so called man
Who decided to use my mother as a punching bag

Who was I kidding?
What could I have really done?
I should've made sure he wouldn’t father any sons

One piece of shit is enough
Let alone a whole bunch of little ones

I still don’t have good advice
For women with busted faces

Going on a daily basis
Using tons of cover up

You are a warrior
And warriors get scars
Don’t think because you have marks
You aren’t beautiful as you are

Never show weakness
Never back down
No matter what men do to us
WE hold the crown

Never forget you hold the power
That you have littles queens watching you
And that men wouldn’t be shit without us