Routine

I live my life in routine.
Wake up, go to work, go to class, study, write, see my boyfriend, take care of hygiene, get some sleep.
And 5 days a week this is a rinse and repeat schedule,
A guideline I force myself to follow so that I get out of bed.
Fitting food in between tasks can sometimes be a challenge,
And occasionally I spice things up a bit by going to bed early or adding extra showers, or socializing by choice,
Which is a terrifying thing to do because you never know how that will end so I'm usually spending my downtime on Netflix,
But 5 days a week,
I follow this routine almost to a T.
It makes my spare time easier to manage,
My 'spontaneous' socializing easier to plan,
And when my routine changes I get sent into a day-long panic attack.
The slightest change can put me so on edge that I can't focus on anything but my insecurities
The hangnails, acne, spot on my glasses, where I'm looking, how my hair is sitting,
Can they tell my bracelet is actually a medical ID?
Do they see the torn skin on my lips?
What about the scabs behind my ears?
Or dandruff on my dyed black hair?
You see,
I sit in the same place every time I eat in the cafeteria, staring out at that same lonely tree,
I have a spot in the classroom and I get there 10 minutes early so nobody takes it,
But if they do I at least have other options and a chance to adjust before the professor walks in,
I have 2 notebooks for class,
I use the green one for my messy notes and doodles in the margin,
I use the black one for when I rewrite them to refer to when I study.
I always have the same flavor of gum in my pocket,
Only using one piece during class and using the gum wrapper as a canvas for an abstract doodle.
After class, I retreat back into the solitude and safety of my dorm room.
Nobody can see your insecurities if you're in the room alone,
Except when you're looking in the mirror that is straight across from your bed but I try to ignore that's there.
Now here's where it changes.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I work from 2:30 to 6:15 at one place and never make it back in time for supper,
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I work 3:00 to 5:00 and am always in the front of the line to get my food.
After this, I go back, again, to staring at a computer screen until it is late enough at night where that screen has a handsome face looking back at me.
And after he says goodnight,
And we say our "I love you"s,
I go to sleep just to wake up and repeat the routine.

This routine is exhausting.
But my weekends are worse.
With no plans, I rarely leave my room at all.
Sometimes I leave for brunch, but normally I stretch my legs when I walk to the cafeteria, take about 15 minutes to eat, then walk back.
I sit here and stare at the textbook I should be opening,
At the notebook I should be putting poems into,
At the screen showing me a variety of films to watch and music to listen to.
These are the days when I'm not sure what I'm doing here.
I rarely sing, and I hardly talk,
I don't read or write,
I have to force myself to leave to get food.
Sure following the same plan 5 days a week can get boring,
But these 2 days are far more excruciating when you don't understand what to do with your life and have too much time to think.
So I guess it's true,
I don't really have a life,
I simply follow a pattern that I've adapted to.
My time is consumed in a schedule,
And I am so tired of living the same life every day,
But at least I am safe and secure,
Hiding in my routine.