Shao Lin

I am so far away from exploring the woods like I did.
I was there yesterday.
And that never happened anyway, did it?
Time is a slippery fish.
The current is powerful and the undertow of the river is beastly.

Am I hallucinating these memories?
That would mean the pain is a hallucination.
Feeling like this cannot be fake.
I am not fake.
I feel.
I think.
I try, I do, I aim, I shoot, I hear, I say, I breathe....

Breathing helps.
I always seem a little shaky.
The cigarettes do not help my anxiety do they, Doctor?
Take this Adderall and everything will be fine.

I am not imagining this.
I only wish I could go to the woods, like before.
I know that is not an option.
Am I guilty because I would like to?