Remembering Me

There’s days I wonder how I’ve ever had strength to stay alive.
How I have the strength to get up in the morning.
I can’t fall asleep at night. And when I do it’s sleepless. I dream, by good dreams, but if my past. Of people who left me, or people who took bits and pieces of my innocence away. And those things I let turn me ugly. I wake up sweating, in a panic, and I can’t catch my breath. I’ve learned to hold in my tears. But I can’t learn to hold my fear at bay. I’m starting to get sick. I feel it in my bones. I stay up not to go to bed because once I close my eyes I can’t open them again. During the day isn’t much rest either. Days I can’t sleep tiredness burns me. Days I do sleep I wake up once again in the same state of mind I feel in the morning. Like I’m paralyzed. It hurts to move. To open my eyes. To know that in twelve hours the dreams will come again. I think it’s when I’m on my period I suffer the most, but it’s only then do I realize how bird and pieces of my love for things shrink and shrink. Moments like these the only relief is pain. Knowing some physical part of me is suffering just as much as the rest. I wish horrible things would happen to end my life. Anything as long as it doesn’t have to come by my own hand. I wish I could explain my heart, my brain, my choices. But I can barely see my hand in front of me. Moments like these thoughts of my demise all music to my ears. As in sure it is to others. So simple. So easy. I could leave this note, with all my hate, all my hurt, all my ugliness inside and out. And prove to the parents God have me that all I am I selfish waste of space. To cry in peoples arms saying I left them on purpose, to hurt them on purpose. And I wish I could I truly do wish I was strong enough to go. To face all the demons in me head on. But the thought of my future. My kids, my John, keep me here. Crying. Writing. Keep me from truly going insane. Trapped. But the day will come where I’ll be held close at night, laughed with not laughed at, loved without a price, to share, not get demanded. The day will come when my son will love his mother. And I’ll keep him and my others away from this life. These people. Shield them from my past. Keep them from the truth. That the monsters are always within arms reach. Knowing I can protect them keeps me smiling. Makes me pretend to forgive. Because I know someday I can escape this horrible game. It never gets better. You never can learn the rules. Can never be enough. But I swear it’ll be okay. Not enough tears in the world make me wanna miss the day I walk down the aisle to my John. Not enough demons or fights either. How much longer will I have to pull myself away from the edge? Well as soon as I learn to never go near the mountain. Don’t forget. Don’t ignore. Don’t except. You can’t be forced. Remember that. Stand up for yourself. Be courageous. It’ll all be worth it someday. It must be. I’m not an ugly hearted person. I’m not stupid. I’m not annoying. I’m not fat. I’m not obnoxious or selfish or a bully or a disaster or crazy or a miserable person. I’m not. Not matter how many times they tell me. I refuse to believe the lie. No respect for the ones who are blind. People know me. I don’t have to hide my temper just my hurt. I’m a beautiful strong person. Being mocked and blamed on makes me more fierce. More defensive more ruthless. I won’t be placed in a jar. Told who I am and who I’m not. Because I’m not someone who can be contained. I am a warrior. The sleepless nights, the tears. Toughen me. Guide my intuition.
Breathe
I am enough. I can grow. Because more loving. Become more tender. But I am not a loser.
I hope I turn out nothing like them.
Any of them.
Smile
3,2,1
Cheese