In the search of my identity

AM I SITTING OR STANDING, AM I GOING OR COMING?

For the past few years I have tried to find who I am but to no success as of yet. I am struggling to find my identity, my true inner me. I struggled, each day and night I pray to God to show me His purpose of myself on this world. Does God hear? Does He answer? Why am I in the same position which I was or even worse 22 years ago. What is it that I did that God cannot forgive me of? Most people I know are somewhere- somewhere you can see that a supernatural power is at work. How can I also get hold of that supernatural power? A power that takes you from nothing to something without begging all night and all day. A power that can surpasses all your fears and understandings. Supernatural power which can give you break from all the torments of this world. My heart is heavy, I am grieving. Its like there is a monitoring gadget which always controls my life - A gadget which was programmed for my downfall, it gets paid on my downfall. My skin is no longer attractive no matter the amount of oil I can apply. I am sad. I do not have a happy life. I am here seeing other people living life and I am just escorting them yet I want to live up to 108 years. Who am I? Where am I going and what is it that God wants to see in me. Haven't I been strong enough for me to be living up to this years struggling like this. Is my name also written in His Chronicles?

My life is a sad life, a life full of remorse , regretts , darkness and pains. When the sun tries to shine on my way , it will be just for a moment.(to be continued.....)