you seem to think.

you seem to think.

you seem to think
that my body
is yours for the taking.

to be used
and taken
and violated
however you see fit
whenever it's convenient for you.

and I let you.

you made me think
that my body was not my own
that what i wanted didn't matter
that i was yours
and you could do what you wanted
with this body that isn't yours.

and I believed you.

i let you hurt me.
break me.
use me.
stain me.
because i thought there was no other choice.

i trusted you.

put my life in your hands
told you everything
all of my secrets
anything i thought you wanted to hear.
i was putty in your hands.

you scared me.

i was afraid.
afraid of what would happen
if i let you have your way.
afraid of what would happen
if i spoke up,
said no,
told someone.
i'm still afraid.

if you tried again,
it'd end the same way.
with me bowing down
obeying your every word.
letting the fear win.
letting you have your way.

i'm going to get hurt
but the difference is
if I let it happen
it'll be mental.
if I try and stop it,
say no,
speak up,
it will be physical.

and i'd rather be hurting on the inside
than have physical reminders
of what i did.
that i disobeyed you.
         someone who has no right to control me.
that i used my voice.
that i realized my body
is not a toy to be played with.
to be thrown around and discarded at your convenience.

but i let you take it.
and if i had to choose
to let it happen again
or to let someone else be taken,
i would do it again.
                   －i am still afraid of you. i want to run when you fall into my vision. but i will never give you the satisfaction of knowing how scared i really am.