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A Bawdy Tale of Love and Laughter! |
| FADE IN: EXT. PARKING AREA ON FEEDER TO THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL - MORNING Six people exit from a van parked in a trail lot. There are three men and two women, plus LUCILLE the teacher. She is fit and tan with early gray hair, and she is directing the other five STUDENTS to pack their load properly. All of them are dressed in historical garb roughly to match Shakespearean plays. After a brief talk with the DRIVER, he reverses and leaves. ALL prepare to move up the trail. CUT TO: LUCILLE is leading the way up a soft incline. It is narrow, as late spring crews have not cleared the sides. There are some rocky areas. BETTY is not fat, but she is big. She is dressed in clothes that show an ample bust. She carries one of the heavier packs. Behind her is DOUG. On his shoulders are two long poles that hold gear, with the other two ends on OTTO who trails him. OTTO is a large bearded man who holds the burden easily. He wears a kilt. CASSIE follows behind OTTO. She is tall with an athletic build. Her hair is black and has dark eyes. She carries a rucksack. ADAM brings up the rear. He is plain looking, of average height, with brown hair and eyes. He carries four large leather bags with drinking water. DOUG (Growling) I have to carry all this crap and wear this fucked up costume, too? BETTY (Not turning to speak) Why sir, I know not of what you speak. Doest thou need a woman to assist you? DOUG (Stops for a moment as they all rest) Thou women wear not this codpiece... BETTY (Grinning) Well, it may be our benefactor thought a cod put on you might keep the roe in you! DOUG (Lifting the poles to his shoulders) Fat ch... I mean, with a bit of luck m’lady! EXT. CAMPSITE ON A PENNSYLVANIA FEEDER TO THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL – EVENING They are erecting the camp. The old tents are hard to install. There is complaining, but in the end, it is comfortable. A good sized fire is started, and they eat things they have prepared, including a pot of stew that hangs over the fire. OTTO and BETTY pair off and leave the lighted circle. The rest smile and chat, except for ADAM, who was staring at the fire. LUCILLE (Clapping her hands once) Well, we know why we’re here. Let’s talk about Shakespeare! DOUG Nice rhyme, but that didn’t sound like anything old to me. LUCILLE (Eyes DOUG) The good man is correct, it’s only proper! Doust thou have any words of... ADAM (Staring at the fire and speaking boldly: quote The Winter's Tale) I have heard - but not believed - the spirits of the dead, May walk again; if such thing be, thy mother, Appeared to me last night; for ne'er was dream So like a waking. LUCILLE (Almost stunned) How do you know that? We never covered that play! ADAM (Quietly) It seems apropos. Then ADAM got quiet. He becomes unresponsive and stares into the fire. LUCILLE (Looking curious) Seriously, did you learn that for the trip? DOUG (Grinning) My what an odd and adventurous tongue, for shame its use is not upon me! LUCILLE (Snaps head to DOUG and glares) Quiet! CASSIE (Smirking) Ignore the three-inch fool, he is but a plague sore! DOUG (Chuckling) Wicked! Ever so wicked! LUCILLE (Rising to her feet and sighing) Fetch me if there is a problem… To sleep, I away from your company. LUCILLE turns and walks away toward a tent. DOUG and CASSIE watch her go, then turn their attention to ADAM. He has not moved. They look back at each other and each begins to speak but stops. The crackling of the fire does not cover the sounds of OTTO and BETTY having sex in a tent twenty feet from the fire. It is clear they are close to climax. DOUG (Looking at the tent) No… way… CASSIE (Mock serious) Oh, but sir… way! BETTY (O.S. loudly) My liege! My liege! OTTO (O.S. equally loud) Oh, queen! Oh… yes, my queen. DOUG (Stifling laughter) Those two deserve an A! If just for effort! CASSIE (Smiling) Methink your kinsman may yet be grating on one curve or another! DOUG (Grinning lewdly) Temptress! Might I die in thy lap this eve? CASSIE (Winking) Perchance, seducer… perchance to dream of it. Or, perhaps... later? CASSIE stands and walks toward her tent, but turns to blow a kiss to DOUG. He watches her walk off with an exaggerated sway of her hips. DOUG (Amused and loud) Vixen! You vex me! OTTO (Poking his head out of the tent) Did someone call me? DOUG (Turns to OTTO smiling) No no, go back to bed. Snore a little louder next time! OTTO (Grinning and in an exaggerated whisper) I brought some mead! I’ll be out in a minute! DOUG watched the fire and ADAM on the other side of the fire ring. He didn’t expect him to respond, but ADAM looked up and smiled at him wanely. DOUG adds some thick dead branches to the fire and stirs the remainder of the stew. CUT TO: OTTO and BETTY have joined at the fire. They pass a jug of mead with DOUG, talk and laugh. ADAM remains quiet. Strange humming a clacking come from the woods. OTTO (One bushy eyebrow up) The wind blows wild tonight! ADAM (Standinding and walking before the woods. DOUG follows.) No… No! Stop now! DOUG waits a moment, then walks away from ADAM towards the fire. He motions with upraised palms for the other two at the fire to stay. He nods with his head toward a tent where LUCILLE has gone. DOUG (Walking past the fire) I need to get the ol’ prof, this is just too damn strange. OTTO nods his agreement. DOUG crosses the distance to the tent, calls to LUCILLE, and flips back the flap to the old tent. Inside he finds both LUCILLE and CASSIE partially in the blankets. LUCILLE quickly covers herself as her eyes go wide. CASSIE props up on her elbows, topless in the soft glow of a candle lantern. She offers a coy smile. DOUG (Regaining composure) Well well! It seems the two tongues sharper than dirks have found the softest of sheaths! LUCILLE (Angry) Get out! Now! DOUG drops the tent fold just as an object hits it. DOUG (Serious) Hey, sorry. Okay? (Waits) Adam is freaking out. Really... LUCILLE (Sighing) Fine. A moment... DOUG heads back past the fire, followed by the OTTO and BETTY. ALL are soon there listening to the noises beside ADAM. UNKNOWN (High pitched cackling - O.S. woods) I see a cauldron bubble, bringing toil and trouble! OTTO (Looking to the others) What in the shite is that?! UNKNOWN (Moaning - O.S. woods) Bloody thou art; bloody will be thy end. UNKNOWN (Mocking - O.S. woods) It’s no common wind, no customed event! It’s shaked for cowards! OTTO (Stomps two paces forward) Coward my arse! UNKNOWN (Gruff -O.S. woods ) Great Birnam wood hath come to high Dunsinane hill! ADAM (Turning toward the trail to escape) Flee! Away, friends, we must away! LUCILLE Doug! Otto! Grab him and don’t let him run in the dark! A pair of trees fall in the forest uphill from the camp. The crash is loud in the quiet night. Nearby trees shake. ALL are momentarily frozen with panic. LUCILLE takes charge, they quickly grab lanterns and water, and slowly head down the trail to the lot. An hour later ALL arrive. ADAM is sweating. CASSIE sits him on a bench and gives him sips of water. She has him lay on the bench and places a wet cloth on his forehead. ALL take turns resting and watching until morning. INT. SMALL ISOLATED CABIN IN WOODS - NIGHT DOUG and ADAM sit with another man CARSON. He is mid-30’s, stout, with a reddish scraggly beard and shoulder length hair. There is a pot belly stove with a fire to warm the cabin. There is fishing, hunting, and trapping equipment. ALL pass around a bottle of WILD TURKEY. DOUG I got to say, Carson, that has got to be the best practical joke I’ve ever pulled. I sure couldn’t have done it without you. I mean, when I realized your hunting cabin was only twenty miles away, I was hoping you’d go for it. CARSON Twenty? I reckon it’s twenty drivin’ it. It’s only five or six overland from here. DOUG (Swigs) You hiked over? CARSON Well, more like fished over. DOUG (Puzzled) Fished over… CARSON Yep. Lots of great trout streams between here and there. I had a couple days comin’, and Trevor don’t work, so we geared up and enjoyed ourselves. He’s about to fry some up for y’all in the cookshed. I’ve had enough fish for awhile. DOUG Dinner and drinks! Very nice. But I have a question. CARSON Shoot. DOUG What was all that humming and moaning about? And the weird clacking? CARSON That… was just dumb luck. We come across a stand of river cane while droppin’ flies in the water. We grabbed a bundle, ‘cause if you string it together it makes like a wind chime, and if you notch it just so, you’ll get it to whistle and moan. We did that shit all the time when we was kids. Y’all made enough noise it was easy to set ‘em up. Your pal here gave us all the signals just perfect, too. ADAM (Swigs and coughs) Thanks. I’ve never done anything remotely like that in my life. It was king of fun... like really acting. Aside from nearly being crushed by a tree, of course. That was kind of crazy. CARSON (Smirks and makes a raspberry noise) Oh, hardly. DOUG Yeah, where did that come from? I just gave you some creepy lines. Did you saw down some ancient forest? CARSON (Leaning back) Dougie, you may be kin, but I ain’t cuttin’ through two foot of hardwood by hand for nobody. Those were some old standing dead wood maybe fifteen or twenty foot tall, and they dropped a hun’nert feet from you. All those snappin’ branches on a night wind just sounded close and shook some trees nearby. We cut ‘em the day before, and hell, when the wind started blowin’ those reeds around, we had to hold ‘em up! Oh, and your lines sucked... DOUG (Taken aback some) What? CARSON You heard me. You wanted a play, you just didn’t know it. Do you have any idea how ridiculous y’all looked? (Swigs) Aside from that big couple, none of ya would’ve had any fun. Hell, when we watched that camp going up, we even went back and reworked some lines. Trever does good voices, don’t he? DOUG (Skeptical) Yeah, he does. But how did... CARSON (Cutting DOUG off) Look, we may be some West Virginia hicks, but me and Trev both graduated Marshall. Check out their drama department sometime. But answer me somethin’... (Looks at ADAM) Why were you even there? Doug says you’re the smart one, needin’ no extra credit. ADAM (Smiles broadly) If you’d followed Cassie up that trail, you wouldn’t have to ask. That’s why I went along with this whole thing. Did you see how she nursed on me back at the lot? We’re going out for lunch next week... CARSON Son, that is devious and delightful at the same time. Think you’ll ever let on? ADAM (Pondering) Tell her? I guess I’ll have to at some point. I mean, you can’t keep that a secret forever. (Pauses a couple beats) Yeah, I’ll make sure she overhears me telling our grandkids how I got the most wonderful woman in the world to marry me with a great performance in this deranged stunt pulled off by a wiseass and his bat shit crazy family... ALL laugh. FADE OUT: (WC: 1999) |
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