Bad Lollipop — OkHarmony Breach

“She was slick, sliding inside wouldn’t be a problem.” He was a small man, overweight but not obese. His patchy beard held some crumbs of the cake he’d been eating. His hair may have been styled, but was getting messier by the minute.

“I just fiddled a few bits, and snuck my hand right down her pants. Wasn’t hard at all.” He downed another espresso. His interview rider was in the folder on the table before me, in plain sight. Item #3 read: An endless supply of coffee in any form. It was signed with his pen name, “Bad Lollipop”.

To the right of the rider was a recent press clipping about the OkHarmony data breach. Here, before me, was the supposed mastermind behind the attack. I asked, “OkHarmony publicly stated they had the best security system, and you’re saying it was nothing. Care to elaborate?”

“Oh yeah, they dressed up the machine in lots of pretty clothing. No fear though, I got a pocket full of dollars to throw — she’d strip those layers for me. The jacket and sweater went quickly, some pretty colors, but not much to see, basic protocol shit. But then — I hit the good stuff. It looked elaborate, wrapped around her, revealing enough to know I’m in the right place, but tight enough to pump up the goods, if you know what I mean.”

“I’m afraid I really don’t…”

“Holster your goods the right way and create good cleavage. It’s a charm to look at, but it’s a trap. I got no desire to stick my fingers in the honey pot. No, no, no way. I was going for the real goods. They were covered plainly, but I caught the trace of silvery lace woven through it. Had to be careful, though. Pinching the sensitive areas might elicit an alarming gasp.”

I sighed and shifted in my chair. The publication had contact with this man before, the so-called seductive hacker. I was warned of his poetic license, and challenged to push through, nonetheless. I laughed it off. Really, how bad could it be.

“That sounds difficult, but you said it was easy…”

“No double shit it was some fancy stuff, first class chastity locks, but my nimble fingers had no problem unlocking her, enticing her, having her beg for me to dig deeper. Nobody should leave such a beauty so poorly protected. Shit, I didn’t even have to evade a big brother, fucking monitors must have been off drinking.”

“Erm, okay. What were you looking for? The leaked records were…”

“Whoa, hold it. I ain’t leak shit.” He stood up and slammed his two pudgy hands on the table. An array of empty glasses wobbled. His already high voice squealed up an octave.

With pursed lips he stared at me. His chest was puffed up and he was huffing. But his eyes relaxed and a half-grin returned to his lips as he settled back into the impressions still left recovering on the chair cushion. “I’m not the type to kiss and tell. I didn’t even have a goal this time — just in for the one-night stand. Checking out the goods, leaving a few choice marks, mementos she could remember me by, but I didn’t take anything.”

“But something was stolen from that system?”

“Just because a man sneaks a drink from the McDonald’s fountain doesn’t make him responsible for a stolen burger. You hear?” He casually knocked back another espresso. He raised his hand to the waiter, mouthing quietly, “One more, lass.”

“Okay, so you’re saying espionage is not part of what you do?”

“Shit no. Something’s gotta pay the bills, got a lot of beauties to maintain at home.” He had a confident tone, no wavering, perhaps the most stable his voice had been so far. “Can’t be letting them grow old and saggy and shit. Sure, a bit of cosmetic surgery can keep ’em lookers, but to keep her active and appealing requires some solid, high-cost upgrades. I’m just saying I didn’t do this breach. Not morally opposed or anything, and hey, if somebody’s happy with sloppy seconds, riding off my work, let them.”

“Do you mean you made it easier for somebody else to get in?” I raised my eyebrow at him, hoping it wouldn’t come across as a comical mimic of his own expressions.

“Look. It’s a lot easier to get clothes off than put them back on. A couple clasps here and there, okay, if you remember them all, you can hook them back up. But if you tear off her panties with your teeth, they ain’t much left to replace.”

“So, what precisely were you looking for on the OkHarmony server?” I closed the lid on my laptop, but it was still recording. I tapped my fingers across its lid and stared directly at him.

He flinched slightly, gulped, and downed another espresso. With a sigh, and tugging at his shirt collar, he slowly continued: “You know, just kind of poking about here and there. Running my fingers along her arms, checking out the personnel records, teasing her lips to talk to me about this or that. Checking out the curves, enjoying the view.”

I leaned back in my chair, crossed my arms, and raised my voice slightly. “It doesn’t sound like you’re being honest with me; like you’re hiding your true goal.”

“Hey, I can’t be telling you everything. The work of an artist can be subtle, or blunt. I’m guessing you know which side I lean to?” The half-grin served to raise the side of his thin mustache to meet his wink.

“I suppose you’d like to say ‘subtle’, but perhaps your description is a bit…” I paused, “…explicit?”

“Explicit? Sure, no point dressing a whore in nun’s clothing, is there. I see a tight server, I ain’t gonna be shy about wanting to squeeze my way inside.”

“I’m not sure how to write up this interview. Our readers might be offended at the sexual, perhaps sexist nature of the remarks.”

“Sexual, Christ’s sake, we’re talking about computers here! Unless you’ve got some kind of electro-fetish, I’m not sure how my words can be misinterpreted. I treat the ladies right. But, I see a drive bursting at the seams, no doubt I’m going to rip it open and take a good look.”

“So,” I drew out my word, “moving on. The data leaked are user records of a dating site. How do you feel about the personal info of all those users being revealed?”

“When I found out it was going to happen, I mean, when I heard it happened, I was none too pleased about it. It’s one thing to flog a corporate mistress, sell her body to the competition. It’s quite another to go whoring you daughter at central station.”

“Yeah, okay. I dug through this leak and found a rather interesting profile. A man with nothing but 5-star ratings and comments describing him as a delicate, yet astounding lover.”

“Sounds like a great guy. You got a question with that?”

“While leaked data would hurt some people, surely such reviews might bolster the reputation of others?”

“I’m not sure what you’re going for…”

“I have a profile picture of this user…”

With that, the small man got up, blurted “Nope, it’s over,” and stormed out of the cafe. My eyes lingered for a bit on the photo on the table. A small, overweight man with a patchy beard and unkempt brown hair.

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Orignally Published Here