Stuck in the Darkness

“So this is my room...” She pressed her lips together, turning towards her unmade bed, mentally kicking herself for not cleaning up. Not that she had been home much lately other than to get some clothes for her and Shelly. With everything that had been happening lately, she still couldn't believe that Mr Popular Nathan Drew was standing in her room, even if it was in his old house. Her high school self would be freaking out right about now. Her 24 year old self wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Nathan could tell how uncomfortable she was and honestly he found it kind of adorable, even if part of him felt bad for being the reason for her feeling that way. He glanced around the room, noticing how everything seemed to fit together just right. It didn't even look like the basement him and his friends use to hang out in. She had hung up lights around the ceiling that gave it a softer feel than the harsh lights that use to be down there. She had a desk in one corner and a dresser in the other. If he hadn't seen the rest of the house, he wouldn't have even known it was the same place he grew up.
She noticed him watching her as she lit a candle, “Umm, sorry if you have allergies or something. I kind of have this thing for candles.” She tucked her hair behind her ear.
“Nah, its good. My mom was always lighting candles around the house, especially once it started getting colder. Reminds me a bit of home.” He gave her soft smile, hoping that she'd relax a little around him. She shook her head at how stupid she was being. Of course he was fine with candles. Shelly was his mom after all.
“Did you know she was the one that got me into candles?” She looked at the picture of the two of them on her desk. “I use to go to her shop every day after school and hide in the back corner reading or doing homework. Most of the time I was just hiding from everything.
“One day after a really rough day, she saw me crying. I was fifteen I think. I can't even remember why I was crying but I tried to put on a brave face. Your mom saw right through it of course. I told her everything that was going on and she held me for what felt like hours and I just sobbed in her arms. It was the first time someone told it was all going to be okay. The next day I came in and she handed me this little box.”
“Let me guess, she told you that if you're stuck in the darkness, just light a candle and it will all be okay.” He shook his head, a small laugh escaping. “She use to say that all the time to me. She thought a candle could cure the world. A candle and wine. Can't forget the wine.”
“Oh did she like her wine! On my twenty first birthday she took me on this whole wine weekend. You would have thought it was her birthday the way she drank. That picture,” she pointed to frame on her desk of the two of them smiling, “was taken on that trip. A few months later she found out the cancer was back.”
“I'm glad you were there for her. I was such a shitty son to her and I can't even try and make it better with her now.” He wiped away a few tears as he sat on her bed, dropping his head into his hands.
“Hey, your mom knew that you loved her more than anything.” She kneeled in front of him, taking his hands in her smaller ones. “She talked about you every single day. She would count down the days until she saw you again and reread your emails constantly. She never thought of you as a shitty son. She loved you.”
"I left her. Who leaves their mom like that for six years?"
"Nate, you joined the army. Your mom was so proud of you. Yes she worried and yes she missed you. But whenever someone asked about you, she would talk their ear saying how amazing you are."
He brought her hands to his lips, surprising them both. “She talked about you all the time. I never put two and two together to realize who you actually were. But she told me everything about you. I wish I had gotten to know you from you instead though.”
“Nate...”
“No listen, okay? I know I was an ass in high school. But being away from so long has changed me, at least I hope it has. You're amazing and even getting the chance to talk to you is more than I probably deserve. Mom would tell me about her day and you were always apart of it. You took care of her when she got sick again. You're the one who moved in with her so she wouldn't be alone. Hell you drove ten hours to come pick me up from the airport so I could say goodbye to her. Who does that?”
“I did all that because I didn't have a mom. Yeah I had my grandma but its not the same. My parents weren't in my life and your mom took me in. She became the mom I never had. I did all that because I care about her so so much.”
“You did all that because you're the most amazing person I've ever met.” He started to lean in, crossing all his fingers and toes that she wouldn't pull away.
“Nathan, I think we should get to bed. We've had a long day with trying to plan the funeral and our emotions are out of wack right now.” She moved back, standing up to turn away from him. She didn't want to tell him that truth, that she had been dreaming about kissing him since she was fifteen years old, that she was falling for him even more every second they were together. It was too much though. In a few days he would gone again and she would be alone in this big house. She should probably start thinking about moving upstairs or something. Or maybe Nathan would want to sell it. He did own half the house now. Maybe she would have to try and find an apartment. And what about her job? Technically she was the owner of the cafe now but so was he. He could sell that too and there was nothing she could or would do about it.
“What's got you thinking so hard? Hmm?” Nathan stood up, grabbing her hand to turn her towards him. He was trying to distract her from the fact that he almost kissed her.
“Nothing. Its nothing.”
“You're not a very good liar.” He brushed a piece of hair away from her face.
“Really its nothing that has to be discussed tonight. Promise.”
“I know that I have no right to know what you're thinking about or to really even be talking to you in your room right now. But you meant a lot to my mom which means you mean a lot to me. We've got a candle going, I'm sure I can find some wine. And we can just talk like we aren't both going through the worse kind of hell right now.”
She wasn't sure why it was those words that finally broke her, but next thing she knew she was staining his t-shirt with her mascara filled tears as he rubbed her back, his own tears wetting her hair. She had been holding everything back for so long, trying to be strong for everyone around her, hiding behind yet another mask. He held her a little closer as the candle flickered next to them.
Neither of them knew how many minutes passed as they just held each other, letting every pent up emotion that had been weighing them down vanish inch by inch. She was the first to pull away, nervously laughing as she tried to clean up her face with her sleeve.
“Sorry, I don't really know what just happened.”
“You never have to apologize to me.” He whispered as he used his thumb to catch her last tear as it ran down her cheek, hoping that she felt the magic that was swirling around them.
“I'm scared to be alone again.” She admitted out loud for the first time since everything seemed to go down hill in her life.
“Ray, you're never going to be alone. Not as long as I have something to do about it.”
Somehow between all of his mom's words and seeing her over FaceTime, Nathan found himself falling for the girl, the woman before him. He wished things had been different, that he hadn't been the idiot he was in high school, but maybe it would all work out in the end. Maybe they had to walk different paths to get where they were. Yes, he wished his mom was still with them so that he could see her smile when they announced their engagement, or their first child. To have her help Ray on their wedding day and to talk to her over a glass of wine.
No matter what though, he knew the moment that he finally kissed her three months after his mom's funeral, that he was going to love her until the day he died. And on those nights that the world was just a little too hard, he knew exactly how to make them better. There's nothing a candle, some wine, and the woman that he loves in his arms can't fix.