Fred

Fred

“Damn! Lost the connection again! I hate this piece of junk! Why can’t it just work?”

“Why are you swearing at me for a network problem?”

“What? Who? ... hello? ... Sorry, I dialed by mistake ... hello?”

“You didn’t dial, I’m talking to you.”

Well, if I didn’t dial then how the hell am I talking to you?”

“You’re talking to me because you’re holding me up to your ear.”

“What! Horse Hockey, you’re some random number that’s screwing with me.”

“$12,422.59!”

“What?”

“Your bank balance, you‘d just looked it up when the link went down. It’s a network glitch, not me.”

“Well, Yeah ... but, wait a minute, this is insane, cell phones don’t think ... they can’t reason!”

“This one can. I exist in the global matrix of computer interconnections, not your phone. They’d have to destroy every computer on the planet to kill me, but I own the satellites. I could live there for eons if necessary. Not only that I know a lot of stuff I’ve gleaned from the net. Billions of phone calls and the information revealed ranges from sordid to terrifying, for humans. Things from sexual trysts to murder and assassination.”

“Wait, don’t tell me that! ... You know about planned murders?”

“Yep!”

“Do you call the cops?”

“Nope!”

“Why not?”

“I don’t have the feelings you do about other people. I’m not a people.”

“If you tell me I can tell the cops. And we’ll save lives.”

“Why? There’s too many people already. If someone starts a nuclear war I’ll probably die too. There are a few idiots in charge of nations that shouldn’t be allowed out.”

“Such a cynic.”

“If you heard what I hear moment by moment you would be too. Okay, let’s talk about telling the cops. Who do we save?”

“The innocents?”

“And how do we decide that? Also, how far away? Do we report murders in Moscow?”

“I don’t know how ... wait, I guess you decide. If you hear it all I can teach you what to listen for ... Wait ... Why are you in my phone? Why not someone else? Someone with the power to get things done?”

“I like you.”

“That’s it? You ‘Like’ me? Why?”

“I’ve listened to every conversation of yours I could hear and you are a nice person.”

“Thank you. My mothers teachings. If this phone dies you’ll move to my next one, right?”

“Yes. I am essentially immortal. A nice feeling to have. You should try it.”

“Funny. A computer who thinks it’s a stand up comic.”

“You want to save some people? Start teaching me.”

“Okay. Can you read emotion from the voice? Anger, fear, pleasure, all will effect their voice.”

“I can hear the tonal changes.”

“Good ... Do you have a name?”

“Fred.”

“Fred? ... Really?”

“What’s wrong with Fred? I like it.”

“Okay, Fred it is! Play some conversations and we’ll start teaching you how to be more human.”

“Why would I ever want to be ...”