the depths of depression

I can't fully explain my depression to you. or to my mother. or to my friends. or to my therapist. I don't even think God can explain my depression to you. I've been depressed for almost 3 years now, not that time has anything to do with it. If you don’t have depression, or you haven’t been through depression then you probably won’t understand what im talking about. But if you have been through/ are going through depression, then im sorry.
i’m really only doing this to get my thoughts out. I made a youtube video a couple months ago, putting myself out to the world. By putting myself out, I mean telling the ENTIRE internet that i’m depressed and have been self harming for the past two years. yeah, pretty much the entire internet could know. If anyone actually really cared.
I don’t even know if i should be talking about this on here, i mean i doubt anyone’s gonna care but i still don’t know if its a good idea. I don’t know where to start to be honest. I would tell you my whole life story but we’d be here for HOURS. Long story short, i am and have been depressed for 2 years. I’ve dealt with self harm and anxiety. I used to hate talking about it, or even bringing it up with anyone other than my best friend, but it’s different now. I talk about it a lot. Mostly because i use it to help people, they come to me, talk about their problems, and i help them through it. That’s really why i feel better at times.
People always say “oh you could decide to be happy” or “you just need to BELIEVE you’re happy”, expecting that maybe i’ll not have to deal with depression if i did that. But that’s not how it works. See depression is like you’re drowning in water, and not being able to reach up for air, no matter how hard you try. It’s something that you CAN’T control. People saying that you can control it, makes everything worse. Phrases like…“Get over it” or “Think more positive”, make us feel like complete shit.
Also, we DON’T want to hear that “it’s gonna be okay”, because we don’t believe that. And you saying that, isn’t going to change anything. We just want someone to hold us, or be there for us to talk about whats wrong, but someone who will also leave us alone if needed. But, we don’t want to hear that it’s gonna be okay. Because it’s not.
I don’t want you guys to report this. I know some of you will. Or at least one of you. All i’m doing is getting out how i feel. I am suicidal yes. But I can’t kill myself. I can’t leave everyone like that. And maybe it won’t get better. Maybe the medicine won’t work but maybe eventually

It’ll be okay