A Peaceful Thought

You only conquer your suicidal thoughts
When you’re dead.
It’s only when you no longer breathe
That you don’t have a shit day and
Think about how you could fall the
Right way to bust your skull on the
Cement block before your next presentation
Because the breathing exercises aren’t helping
And your therapist Gina won’t pick up your calls.
It’s only when you are six feet under
That you don’t have a panic attack that
Turns into deadly and destructive problem
Solving that makes overdosing look okay
Because hey, at least you won’t have to
Look at Sara’s wedding invitation that came
In the mail last week with your old beau Paul.
It’s only when people cry at your funeral
That you don’t remember that life
Could and would and will go ticking on
And the birds won’t stop migrating
And Tom from marketing will forget about
That one flirty meeting on October 12th.
It’s only when you sit in Judgement’s waiting room
That you don’t feel the need to starve yourself
Even though as you walked to the lunch room
You felt your cheeks jiggle and your thighs
Are chafing and you didn’t put baby powder
In your purse because your mother sent you
Dating tips for the third time this month.
It’s only when the Lord is reading off your crimes
That you don’t feel the urge to push the
Least used elevator button to the rooftop
And plummet as you flip off the café that
Gave you a hot white chocolate mocha instead
Of the iced one you ordered and then said they
Would have to charge you more to change
The damn thing even though it was their mistake
In the first place!
You only stop thinking about killing yourself
Once you have lived to see yourself
Marry Chris, have two daughters, experiment
With a pot cookie, skip out on paying for a couple meals,
Paint the toes of every newborn grandchild,
Forget the names of the nurses who wash your
Sheets, and finally fade with the triumph
That no suicide notes ever had to be found.