Adam's Honesty

Adam knew that if he gave voice to the things in his head, he could jeopardize the very best thing in his life since forever. His friendship with Joel.

As he strolled along the sidewalk on his way to his best friend's house after school, he couldn't help but think about the vivid dream he'd woken up from this morning before his alarm. It made him believe that everything you tried to bury in your subconscious came alive in your dreams.

It was embarrassing enough to admit to himself what he felt for Joel, so he figured if he couldn't come out to him about it, he wouldn't bother telling his parents that he'd developed feelings for a man, that he was attracted to him. He knew for sure now after what he’d experienced at Prom.
They had decided to meet at the front of the school hall with their partners. He’d had the usual feeling of nervousness when collecting Abby, Adams prom date, from home. Meeting the parents and getting the lecture from her dad. The excitement after leaving the house, knowing they’ll meet up with their friends and have a memorable night. His nerves were forgotten as they drove toward school.

As soon as they walked up the cordoned off walkway and made their way toward Joel and his date Jessie though, Adams heart sped up again. He forgot about the girl who had her hand in the crook of his arm. As Joel turned around and his smile beamed at them, something tugged at his heart and belly button. Adam didn’t understand this reaction toward Joel.
The irrational heat that spread under his skin when he saw how beautiful Joel looked with his golden skin and golden hair contrasting with his black suit and black shirt, back-lit by the Angel Lights against the wall around the entrance, took his breath away. He tried controlling his reaction lest Abby thought he wanted to bail on them, but her excitement at seeing her friend and gushing over her dress had her attention drawn from him.
Joel though, didn’t take his eyes off Adam.
“Hey man,” Joel said as he reached to take Adams hand. Adam wiped his sweaty palm discreetly against his suit jacket before extending it toward Joel, his heart just wouldn’t stop racing. Joel drew him close for their bro-hug and the musky smell of Joel’s cologne enveloped him. Funny that he hadn’t noticed Abby’s smell, but inhaled deeply of that of his best friend.
He was freaking himself out, so he drew away quickly and stuck his hands in his pants pockets.
“Hey Joel, you look good.” Adam said, and feeling his cheeks warm, lowered his head.
“Thanks man, so do you. You ready to get this party started?” Joel enthused, extending his arm to his date, so Adam did the same.
Adam had tried to pay as much attention to Abby as possible throughout the night, getting drinks out of punch bowls on the tables extending down one side of the hall. He even danced a few times under the colorful lights shining on the dance floor from above the stage.
Mostly he stood at the freestanding tables on the left side of the hall, trying to control these strange urges he kept feeling toward Joel. How he wanted to push back the piece of hair that kept flopping onto his forehead. Or the way his gaze lingered on Joel’s lips when he was talking to Adam or their dates. How he’d never noticed what elegant fingers Joel had.
It was disconcerting, to say the least. So when the end of the night drew near and Abby asked if they could leave, he said a quick goodbye to excuse them both after Joel and Jessie begged for them to stay.
“Abby has a curfew,” Adam told them. “And so do I.”
They’d tried to get us to stay but I had already had quite a night, and was tired from all these confusing feelings.
While driving Abby home in his dad's car, he’d tried feeling something for her. They had stepped out of the car and he'd opened her door for her.

He'd had a great time with her, and so he thought that maybe he was wrong about what he was thinking was happening with Joel, so when she thanked him for a great night and leaned in to kiss him, he let her.
It felt just the same like any other kiss he'd had with a girl. Comfortable. He'd taken her around the waist and drew her towards him, hoping this would awaken something inside himself, but all it did was draw a whimper from her and ignited no reaction in himself.

He'd broken the kiss and told her that he'd had a great time too, and watched her walk up to her house, feeling wrecked, and knowing that he had to face the facts.

It’s why he was here.

As Adam rounded the corner onto Joel's street and came up to the walkway leading to his door, his palms started sweating. He'd never been a coward, never backed down from any challenge set before him, he always owned up to his mistakes and vowed on telling the truth in any situation. It’s why he'd decided not to hide after he'd realized exactly what he was feeling for Joel.

As he stood before the door of his friend's house, he hesitated before knocking, when he did, he almost didn't hear it over the beat of his own heart.

Joel's mom opened, "Hi Adam, how are today son?" She greeted cheerfully. "Did you have a good day at school?"

She opened the door wider so he could enter the house.

"Hi Mrs Lincoln," he answered, "I'm good thank you and yes I did. Is Joel home?"

"Yes, his upstairs in his room, finishing up his homework I hope. Would you like something to drink before you go up?"

"No thanks ma'am, I'll just go up if that's okay."

"Yes of course. I have to finish dinner, will you be staying?"

Usually he'd accept, but he had no idea how things would turn out after his revelation so he politely declined and made his way upstairs, rubbing his sweaty palms down his jean clad thighs as he went.

As he came up to Joel's room with the big 'Knock First!" and 'Enter at Own Risk!' boards attached to the door, he paused before it. Maybe I should just hang out. I mean we had three months of our senior year left, did I really want to jeopardize what might be the last month's I see him after he goes away to college with feelings that he might not be able to accept? Adam thought.

But he'd already resolved to do this, and he didn't want to hide anymore, especially not from Joel.
Adam drew a tremulous breath, let it out solely and opened the door.

Whenever he entered Joel's room, the pictures on the wall against which his neatly made single bed stood would grab his attention. He wasn't your usual teen, with posters of chicks or bands on them. His was filled with animals. The biggest of which was a black and white depiction of a roaring lions head.

Joel was lying on his front at the foot of his bed watching natural geographic on his TV which stood on one side of his desk across the room below his window.

It was filled with neat stacks of books. His trophies from swimming contests stood off to the other side of it. He always kept the heavy black out curtains drawn when he watched TV.

As Joel turned around to see Adam enter, Joel's sky blue eyes fell on him and Joel's smile made him feel that pull behind his belly button.

Joel was well built with broad shoulders no covered in a thin white t-shirt, lean waist now twisted slightly as Joel had turned to look at him, thick thighs below a rounded butt under the blue running shorts that was stretched over it. His pale legs were dusted with hair a bit darker than the blonde hair on his head that flopped over his right eye. Everything around him faded in Adams eyes.

"Hey man," Joel said in his thick voice, "you gonna come in and close the door, or statue it out over there?"

Adam laughed. It sounded nervous to his own ears. He closed the door and walked over to get a pillow off the head of Joel's bed and flopped down to lie on the thick burgundy rug on the floor.

Joel looked over the edge of the bed at him after turning down the volume a bit. "You ready for finals? I'm stressed out as shit man, I can't skimp on studying, but my mind's all preoccupied lately."

Adams heart took a leap at that statement, but he didn't fool himself into thinking they had the same preoccupation going on, Joel's probably had to do with animals. He wanted to go into veterinary medicine, and with his fascination in anything to do with animals and the love he showed to them, made Adam believe he'll be great at it.

"Yeah me too. I mean, I ah.." Adam caught himself. Not wanting to lie but not wanting to give anything away either.

"Wait, did you see Abby again after prom? Is that why you're preoccupied? Dude you been holding out on me?!" Joel exclaimed with a huge grin on his face and Adam felt his face heat up. If he only knew, and Adam thought that maybe he should. Maybe he should just get it over with.

"No, no man that's not it, I've just had a lot going on in my head." Adam said, feeling like a coward.
"I mean, she's told me she’d like to see me again, but I just can't. I don't feel anything for her." I said.

"What? Come on Adam she's hot, and besides you won't know if you have feelings for her until you've tried right?"

"Is that what you do?" Adam asked Joel, but he didn't answer. So Adam went for it. "What's been on my mind is the fact that I never feel anything for them, I had always wondered if there was something wrong with me. Like if there was something missing in me that made me not find girls attractive. I mean I'd kissed other girls before Abby but it was always the same, I never felt anything. And I'd look and listen to the guys on the team going on about their nights with girls and what they'd done and just felt disgust at them and pity for the girls they talk about." Adam was a bit winded at this point, coming to the end of his confessions and close to his admission. He could feel the weight of Joel's stare on him, So he continued:

"But then recently I've been having these dreams about someone," He looked up at Joel, who had lifted himself to sit on his side, one leg bent and an arm supporting him. His eyes were glazed over like he was somewhere else but Adam knew he was listening, he always looked like that when he was picturing what he was hearing.

"In my dreams, I was doing things with and to this person, and always, always when I woke up I was... I was aroused... I mean like rock hard! So I know there's nothing wrong with me, I'm not missing something, I just haven't been looking in the right place." Joel’s met Adam’s eyes then, and they were in focus. Joel was staring at him, like Joel knew even though Adam hadn't admitted to it yet. Adams heart was hammering in his chest, his breathing had escalated during his accounts of the dreams.

"So," Joel said. His voice gravely as if he'd just woken, "who is it?"

Taking a deep breath Adam admitted, "You."

The look that came over Joel’s face then could only be shock, and Adam could feel his nails biting into the palm of my hand as he clenched them.

"Are you playing me right now?" Joel all but whispered.

"No..... Shit, Joel." Adam said, running his hands over his face then throwing an arm over his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to make things awkward between us, but I couldn't hide anymore."

Adam felt his heart constrict in his chest, he wished he’d shut up. Wished he hadn’t said anything. He couldn’t handle Joel feeling any negative way toward him. He couldn’t face Joel now.

All the time they’d spent together flashed through his mind, seeing each other after school every day, hanging out weekends when they weren't studying or had other things to do. They were always together. He felt sick at the thought of losing all of that now.

"Don't say that." Joel said, voice slightly rough.

"What? Things are already awkward." Adam replied, removing his arm from over his eyes.

"No, I mean, don't say you’re sorry. I'm not." Joel admitted and stared at the confusion on Adams face.

"Wha... Joel? What are you saying. You okay with me being gay? And the fact that I just admitted to having feelings for you? Fuck!... Look I'm sorry I put you in this position, I didn't know what I thought would happen once I did," Adam sat up, then rose to his feet before continuing, "I don't expect you to be okay with this and I don't want you to put your own feelings aside to appease me. I should never have..."

"Adam!" Joel hissed, cutting off Adams tirade. He moved and sat crossed legged on the bed, "Shut up, sit down, and listen to me."

Adam stood shocked for a moment, looking at the fierce look his friends face. He moved slowly and sat down on the bed wear Joel was pointing.

"I'm not sorry, I was a bit stunned yeah but not sorry, not when you had the guts to come here and tell me how you feel when I've been running from it since I hit puberty." Joel admitted.
What Adam heard didn’t sink in to his distracted mind very quickly.

"What are you saying?" Adam asked gruffly.

Adam looked at Joel’s face, trying to figure out if what he’d thought he’d heard was true. Joel’s eyes were focused on Adams face, moving as though to read his expression. The small smirk on Joel’s lips kick started Adams heart and set it racing in a different direction. His stomach was fluttering, a completely new feeling to Adam.

"I'm saying that I feel the same. I have for years. I've been preoccupied at the thought of not having the guts to tell you before it was too late and you left for the States and I'd probably never see you again. I'm saying that, the first time I could even get it up, I knew it was you. I'd experimented with a few guys before so I knew I was gay, I just never had the guts to tell you how I really felt." Joel said.
And that nice tingling in his belly turned to a raging heat in an instant.
"You've been with other guys!" Adam exclaimed a bit loudly.

"Shhhh, dammit Adam, you want my mom to get a heart attack! Yes, 2 of them. 1 in our Sophomore year. And another later in Junior year. But we didn't really get into anything heavy, kissing and petting and stuff." Joel cheeks were flushed, Adams eyes had never wondered elsewhere since sitting down, but his hands had once again clenched around the navy blue bedcovers this time.

"How was it?" Adam asked in a near whisper, curiosity winning out every other feeling he had, "I mean how'd it feel?"

the corner of Joel’s lips twitched and Adam hoped he wasn’t laughing at him.

"I could tell you, but I have a better idea." Joel said, and Adam tracked his movements as he got up and crossed the room to the door.

"I want to show you," he told Adam, his hand on the key in the door, "but only if you want."

Adam’s heart skipped a beat in his chest and his breath hitched at the suggestion that Joel was making. This was dangerous, it could ruin everything they had, he knew that. It could tarnish their friendship forever. But he didn't want to pass up this opportunity. Not when he'd wanted to kiss Joel for so long that this felt like fate. He'd take this, and if things didn’t work after, he'd accept that too. He’d just cherish this moment for the rest of his life.

Adam swallowed hard, his breaths coming faster, from fear or excitement he didn't know. He stared at Joel, and when Adam nodded, Joel turned the key in the lock without hesitation.

Slowly, he walked toward Adam and knelt before him. "I won't do anything you don't want Adam, I promise. You can stop me if it doesn't feel right okay?" Joel whispered to him Joel’s face inches away from his own.

"Just kiss me already Joel." Adam said a little breathlessly.

Joel went forward on his knees, put his hands gently on Adams and he let Joel spread his legs to make space for himself as he leaned up toward Adam. He pressed his fingertips to Adams jaw and drew them across his stubbly cheek. Heat rushed through Adam at the innocent tough and his eyes slowly shut on an exhalation. He felt Joel’s warm breath on his lips as he leaned in close and gently touched his lips to those of his best friend's.

The thrill of finally kissing Joel was dimmed by the rush of heated arousal that caused threw him when Joel’s lips parted over his own. He reached forward and put his hands on Joel's hips. Joel groaned at the contact, which made Adam inhale deeply, and gave Joel the opportunity to teasingly lick into Adams mouth.

Adam lost all thought as he groaned and chased Joel's tongue, thrusting his into Joel's mouth, deepening the kiss and tightening his hold on Joel's hips, drawing him closer.

The hunger that overtook Adams was all new and all consuming, and the desperate grip Adam had on Joel’s hips prompted him to crawl over Adam and encouraged him to lean back lay down on the bed. Joel thrust his fingers into Adams hair and grabbed at the silky waves, angling his head so he could deepen the kiss and thrust his tongue into Adams mouth.

There chests collided and he felt the rise and fall of Joel’s chest. Adam felt tingles in the wake of Joel’s hand moving from his shoulder, over his chest, along his side and over his hip, up his thigh to grip under his knew knee. Adam realized Joel had more experience when he lifted his up and ran his hand up his outer thigh and grasped just below his ass. Adam arched his back at the overwhelming sensations rushing through him. Joel encouraged him to spread his legs and then he felt Joel lower himself fully between them. When he pushed his erection against the hard length of Adams, they both groaned, and he started thrusting against him. Adam was losing himself in his best friend's arms.

Adam had dreamed of this, though this felt way better than his dreams. Having Joel against him this way was making him lose his mind.

The way he kissed Adam like he was starving for him, the way he held him like he didn't wanna let go, the way he thrust into Adam making him ache with want. He was getting light-headed from the heat and lack of oxygen and just as he was about to tug on Joel's hair, Joel broke the kiss and ran his heavy lidded gaze over Adams face.

Joel was flushed, pale cheeks now rosy with arousal, his once sky blue eyes now smoky with the heat of his hunger, his pupils dilated as they breathed heavily against each other’s lips.

He was breathtaking, and he looked at Adam as if to see if he was still okay. Adam thrust his hips up in response to the unspoken question, and Joel grunted and rolled his hips into Adams as his mouth crashed back down on his.

They got lost in each other again, clutching and groaning, it was frenzied, crazy, terrifying, but it felt so right.

They both groaned as they climaxed in their underwear, and Joel collapsed into Adam, shifting so he lay beside him.

Their heavy panting drowned out the sound of the TV still playing and forgotten in light of the revelations and experiences they've just had. He suddenly felt the weight of Joel's eyes on him so he turned his gaze away from the ceiling to look into concerned eyes.

"Adam..." Joel whispered.

"No regrets." Adams whispered back.

"Me neither." Joel said smiling, and drew Adam close.