My life from my point of view

The most famous and dreaded question that a person can ask another is what do you want to do with your life especially when grown?

The sad reality is that hardly anyone knows what they want to be when they grow up, rather I know what I do not want to be. I feel like for most of my life has been numb and just put on autopilot until this year and then I finally was awoken. See I am a single mother of three kids that's getting strung along because the other person knows that they do not want to lose me, but also cannot stand me and in reality that's my life summed up. I do not know when this autopiloted program started, but it seems that I am missing a lot of my life and just decided to follow people instead of taking the initiative to become the strong leader that I once thought I was.
This year I am more self-aware and finally feel like I should dig my heels in and make something of myself instead of this autopiloted lump of nothing. See I want to learn how to start blogging, writing, taking pictures (professionally, start and finally finish college, buy me a house, get out of debt among many other things. Now I have attempted to start some of these activities and like most activities that I start the momentum is awesome at first, then next thing I know is I am wondering what happened. I know that I am tired of feeling alone and lonely disregarded taken advantage of and consistently having to lie about menial things.
I want to become more like my older sister who happens to be my role model as well. She is smart, beautiful, and knows how to work hard and survive in life no obstacle is ever too big for her to handle just all around an outstandingly amazing individual. All of the traits that I am seriously lacking that most individuals have knowledge of. Now that I have grown older I have come to the realization that both my siblings are right that I was "protected/ sheltered" growing up, therefore I've never had to experience what they had to when growing up which is ironic because we all grew up in the same house with the same parents but they're the same but different whereas I am just simply different. I am an emotional wreck kind of individual that has no backbone that simply cares too much what others think of her, even though I like to pretend that I could care less.

Back to the question that I asked in the beginning, I may not exactly know what I want in my life right now, but I know without a doubt what I know exactly what I don't want my life to be anymore. I want to take more chances instead of being scared of the outcome kind of like the jumpo then ask questions type. I am sick of always being the safe person in truth i want to be something other than what I am today an anxiety ridden person. I want more character, pazzaz, smart, funny, talented but most of all i want to leave my kids with something to be proud of saying "that's my mom." The real first step is i need to get my many slews of mental illness under control, then work physiclly then restart my life the way it should've been