end .

it starts at the bottom of your heart
or maybe your stomach
an icy, rising fear
curling around your insides like a
d i s e a s e



it starts when you’re driving with your
f a t h e r
there is a couple holding hands &
you watch his face
contort in disgust



it starts when your mother
turns away from the television, shocked
she does not believe people are
b i s e x u a l
but they are pigs



it starts when i’m thirteen &
boys are smelly, loud, they scare me
i’m thirteen when i’m told
if i turned gay i would not be
w e l c o m e home



it starts when i’m seventeen
sobbing in the bathtub with
a razor in my hand & i’m only seventeen ! ! !
begging god please, please
let this cut make me n o r m a l



it starts when i’m twenty & the guilt has weathered my heart
a never-ending tantrum
i love my mommy & daddy, even at twenty
but i yearn to love m y s e l f



it ends when
for a moment - a mere fleeting second of bliss
oh, it ends when i look in
h e r
eyes