Hold it in

The hardest days are the ones where I cant say your name out loud to anyone
where you get stuck in the corner of my smile until my mouth feels like a battlefield of unuttered words and run-on sentences.
and I know that everyone is tired of smelling the cologne of my regret so I douse my skin in rain, standing with arms wide, embracing thunder hoping to erase the touch from my collarbones
and sometimes I hold you in but you escape between exhales into conversations, and I get those looks like they know im crazy, but the most delusional days, are the ones where I cant say your name out loud to you.