Empty Time

Hi I am Maddison Clover I am 16 years old and lately I have been feeling an emptiness inside of me . do you know what that emptiness looks like in you own mind? That's right it is state of which you feel like nothing , or you have to much to deal with hat your stuck in one place .I am a short girl and a Freshmen at Clockland High . No i am not one of the popular kids you see in movies. Let me set this clear Highschool is nothing like the movies so don't get reality mixed up with that mojo crap . I am talking from experience . used to think that i would be able to stay with the love of my life and go to high school with him. Jokes on me we both moved and don't even talk anymore. At first it hurt but little by little i'm getting used to being alone . People say a lot that they wished that they could travel back but if you change the way of how things were then you can learn from the mistakes, and most likely your life would have been a complete opposite from now. sometimes I just feel things are bottled up inside me but i am afraid of letting it out.Ever felt like your n and endless loop whole or your just stuck in time ? Well when your going through with pain , grief , or a traumatic experience you kind of feel numb to the world "your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding".( every day power blog. ) .Don't think for a second you are better than i am . I know you're reading this now and see yourself just like looking through a mirror image of yourself. I am scared no terrified of who i am . You might ask Why ? it is simple i have gone through so much self hate and doubt that i simply shield myself from the true me and present myself as a different person at times. I put on a fake smile and force a fake laugh but deep down i am crying and its really bad.I look myself in my room and watch everything bottle inside me but time stops i am stuck and the pain just keeps growing . nowhere to go nowhere to run or hide . Never ending emptiness and the void of feeling alone . I am only 14 and understand the harsh reality of this world , the racism, the hate, the destruction of humanity. I am watching it all and time has stopped and i'm stuck in the middle of it all. Never ending suffering of the darkness that lies in your head . Call it depression , call it anxiety all it is , is someone broken who needs some loving . Maddison is my Name and I am afraid of the emptiness consuming me . People know what's going on they just choose to walk along . All the Bullies want to push me down thats why im trying to be strong . Fantasy, romance, comedy Life is not some big happy dream . Life is a never ending suffer, there is good things but the bad always rule things. Crying myself to sleep at night, hearing voices in my mind. If someone calls you crazy ask them have they been through the same thing. No one can diagnose what you are in a mental state of mind to me that isn't right. people are broken for many different reasons . and when we lash out you want us to go to a mental institution . where not your dogs in a prison . I am still empty the dark is still consuming me but i am not afraid to bark . Once again I am Maddison still have the same damn emptiness . I wish i could walk away from this .Look in the mirror , you go look in the mirror right now .Ask yourself what do you see? know that your flaws are also your beauty, be confident, look in the mirror and be like this is me , don't be a follower or a judger. When i write this all i think about is the feeling of being empty, like dark and scared , well mostly no emotion . Stuck in one place but stuck moving in circles. Time is money , you waste it on the dumbest things. but somehow it stops right when im hating something. I walk into school and see different gangs down the lunch line. I have a attack in school and the cops don't do anything. i don't feel safe in school because their not doing their job they just want me to come clean. they think im lying but i don't have time to wait and see. Have you ever wondered why do i feel this way? it is because without pain there would be the gain , without the pain it wouldn't have shaped us today .