Permission

The night stretched out before him, alive beneath the moonlit sky. The day is past, the sun given up its last tenuous grip on the world as the moon took what it wanted. How he had yearned for so long, for this release, this freedom, and how long it had taken him to realize, he had it within himself to just let go, to give in, to grant permission to his desires, and once he did that, how different everything had become!



It had been three years ago to this very night, when She had walked into his life. She moved with a fluid grace, a sensuous swing to her step, as if she and the night were old lovers, and he felt something inside him yearn to feel her, to taste her, to know her in the most intimate of ways, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.



Long ago, he had been broken, his ability to do anything taken from him, like a thief in the night, it was gone before he ever noticed. His own wishes, his own wants, trampled under-foot by a tyrant who only cared to destroy all the potential within him, to break him of free-will, of his ability to freely act upon his own wishes, taking away his self-worth, and making sure he knew that his wishes were nothing more then the stuff of childhood fantasies. His only outlet, his books: fantasy, horror, science fiction. The only place he could give himself permission to feel was when he read, and the things he read, the places he went! But when the book was done, he was back, in that place of imprisonment, not of the body, but of the spirit and mind. This only served to make him a voracious reader, for the library was the one place he had the freedom to go to.



Years went by, and as he grew older, his ability to do as he wished was forced down, harder and harder. He rejoiced the day his mother finally left Him, but it was an inwards rejoicing, for he knew it was not allowed for him to show it outwards. What meaning did his feelings have in this world where others were obviously more important? Even if there were things he liked, or women he was interested in, His voice would haunt his mind, telling him that he was nothing, that his feelings meant nothing, his wishes meant nothing, and thus, he never tried.



He had been at a bookstore that night, cleaning up the sci-fi/fantasy/horror section, when She entered the store. He had seen her many times before, either coming through the store, sometimes at the late-night coffee shop he would go to, even a couple times at the movies. Her hair was a mix of raven black, and flame red, reaching far down her back, layered and wild. Her asian features sharp, her skin, flawless. Her nails were expertly manicured, and the color of her nails changed from day-to-day, tonight's color being midnight black. She wore a black leather mini-skirt, with black fishnet stockings leading down into black pumps, a black leather jacket over her red velvet corset, which lifted her ample bosom, and accentuated her curves. Jade green eyes looked out from under well tended, and lengthy lashes.



She was flawless in his eyes, a Goddess come down from on high to let the world know that it wasn't forgotten. He worshipped her from afar, never thinking for a moment that such a one as she would ever look upon him as anything other than a mere mortal, one to be looked down upon, but never really seen. Since the first moment he laid eyes upon her, she was in his every thought, in his dreams. He had even dared to start thinking he should try to speak to her, besides those awkward moments when he would ring her out at the register, or when she needed someone to find a particular book. Her voice was soft, yet strong, and moved through the air like the scent of spring. What he wouldn't give to know her better, to ask to sit with her for coffee, to learn more about her. But he couldn't, his mind wouldn't give him the permission to speak to her outside of the context of his job, to hope that anything more could come of it. At least he knew her name.....Jade.....



Tonight, there was something....different about her, beyond the usual. There was a look of hunger in her eyes, eyes which almost glowed with their intensity, and she seemed to be looking for someone. He watched as a few men, and even a couple ladies, walked up to Jade, trying to get her attention, and he watched as she shot each one down within seconds. He should have known that she would have someone, looking as good as she did, someone strong and firm, yet kind and gentle, much like the way she could be. She kept looking around though, ignoring a rather insistant male who just wouldn't seem to take no, and didn't seem to be able to take a hint, and then her eyes found him, and a chill went up and down his spine as her eyes caught his, a smile lit up her face and said she had found what she was looking for! He could hardly believe what was happening, and he looked behind himself to see if maybe, just maybe, there was someone else standing behind him, but there wasn't, and something within him lit up, and a voice inside his mind said 'speak with her'. He watched her walk towards him, her body swaying ever so seductively. He felt light-headed and slightly dizzy, his breathing becoming somewhat difficult as he felt his throat start to constrict, trying to figure out what to say, yet so afraid to say anything, for fear of saying something completely stupid. Meanwhile, the guy hadn't stopped yet from trying to get her attention.



"so, you are a good looking woman, I'm a good looking guy, how about we go out, I know a couple of nice places, there's a bar nearby, maybe go to a restaurant.." said the guy.



"Hello Anthony," Jade said to him, ignoring the guy "How are you this evening?"



He was shocked. He never recalled giving her his name, nor had anyone, never mind a beautiful woman like her, ever given him the time of day, never mind asked him how he was. Then he remembered that he was wearing his name badge, and felt suddenly silly over wondering how she knew! Still, outside of the couple of friends he had made, not many people paid him any mind.



"H-h-hey Jade;" he said, swallowing hard, trying to remember how to breath "I'm doing well. Did you need help finding something, or did they call to inform you of an order coming in?" He knew she had ordered something, what it was slipping his mind at the moment, but he knew it hadn't arrived yet....or had it?...



Meanwhile, the other guy was continuing on non-stop "So, whatcha think babe, huh? you me, a couple of drinks...I know a nice spa close by with a very comfy hot tub and sauna..."



She turned on him in an instant, her eyes glowing...red?..."Excuse me, but if you don't mind, I am TRYING to talk to my boyfriend here, and you are seriously pissing me off!" she grabbed his collar and lifted him up almost half an inch off his feet, looking him dead in the eye "Now get out of my sight before something, unseemly, happens."



With that, she let him go, and he backed up away from her, fear gripping him, knocking a display table over as he landed on his ass, finally got to his feet, then took off. Meanwhile, she turned back to Anthony, her eyes a bright green again (must have imagined that...he thought to himself), and smiled.



"No, no orders, I just wanted to see you." She smiled again, and he felt his heart skip a beat. He had never thought in a million years that she would show any hint of liking him, never mind the fact that his mind was still reeling from her calling him her boyfriend! "Are you ok?" she asked, concern in her voice as she noticed his swaying a little.



"Y-y-yeah..." he said, feeling a bit wobbly. "just need a seat.."



"I hope that I didn't upset you or anything" she said, as she helped him to one of the seats by the manga section "by saying I was your girlfriend that is! I hope I wasn't imposing, being to forward, or maybe you already have a girlfriend, but I was just fed up with that jackass, and he didn't seem to be able to take any other kind of hint! So, I just kind of spaced and just threw it out there....oh my, if your girlfriend finds out...I can explain to her though!"



"It's alright..." he said, something clicking inside "I...don't have a girlfriend....." he just about mumbled the last part.



"I know..." she said with a knowing smile. When she saw the quizzackle look in his eyes, she just smiled knowingly "Why don't you and I get out of here and go for coffee. We need to talk..."



Anthony didn't say anything, just sat there, catching his breath, and really looking at Jade. She smiled at him, and he felt....alive! He felt her hand on top of his, could smell the sweet scent of....something.....coming from her. It was like no scent he had ever smelled before, it was wild and free, a scent of spring,and, something else, something much more.....primal. Without thinking, without even asking himself, he kissed her, allowing himself permission to take this one chance. It was quick, it was impulsive, and he pulled away quickly, afraid he had gone too far, that by giving in, allowing himself to take that step, he had just earned her wrath. Instead, when he looked at her, she just smiled at him and squeezed his hand.



"Let's go." She said, standing up.



"My shift isn't done yet..." He said slowly, then he looked up, into her eyes "Let me let the closing manager know."



A few minutes later, he and Jade were out of the store, heading across the plaza for the coffee shop. It was dark as most of the other shops were closed, the book store he worked at, and the coffee shop were the only places open this late at night. Out of nowhere, the jerk from earlier showed up, slamming him away from her, stinking of alcohol, and a bat in his hand.



"Bitch!" he yelled, raising the bat above him "Nobody turns ME down! ESPECIALLY not for some doofus book store reject!" And he brought the bat down.



Anthony heard the bat hit something, then the sound of it breaking. As he looked up, he saw the guy being lifted up by Jade one-handed, the other hand took the rest of the bat from his hand and tossed it aside, but there was something, different about her. She was taller, lifting him with little effort, and she looked......inhuman. Muscles now bulged along her arms and legs, pointed ears showed through hair suddenly gone even wilder, her hand was raised above the jerk, and five deadly looking claws showed from the tips of her fingers, which now more closely resembled a paw, in fact, she looked very feline, her face elongated, her feet ending in paws, claws barely poking out of the toes, her teeth, pointed, sharp, and looking strong enough to tear this man apart! Her eyes though, from Jade Green to cat slits, and glowing red with rage. A tail poked out from underneath her skirt as well. She was a sight to see, at once savage and deadly, and yet breathtakingly beautiful.



"Dear Goddess......" he said as he picked himself up, watching her, one hand in the air, claws at the ready, the man now fully terrified, gibbering madly, holding on to her other hand, trying desperately to free himself, her teeth bared, a snarl emanating from her. He moved towards her, and he saw her turn her attention to him, and when she saw he was alright, she tossed the jerk aside heavily, then turned away from him. The jerk on the other hand, picked himself up and took off running. He would be picked up later by the police at a bar for drunk and disorderly, and get sent to a psych ward once they heard his story.



Anthony came up behind Jade, who now stood almost a full head taller then he was. It took him a moment, but he gave himself permission to try. He put his hand on her shoulder.



"Are you ok?" she asked him, her voice a bit deeper in this form.



"I'm alright," he said, rubbing her shoulders lightly "a little shaken up, definitely surprised, a little sore from being tackled like that, but otherwise fine. How are you?"



"A little angry with myself" she said, her body rumbling under his touch, which he slowly realized was her purring "He showed up so suddenly, and he hurt you....I had planned to show you my true form...just...not like this..."



"so this....."



"Is what I really look like....yes." Jade said, still not turning around "I am a member of a race known as Katalyan, but your people might call us were-cats. We have been living besides humans for a very long time, protecting, helping, guiding, nurturing. We tend to find those who have great potential, and we help them unlock it, learn to utilize their talents, it is a gift we have. We find people when they are at their place of greatest challenge, when they have come to a major crossing point in their lives, when their path has gotten to a point where they have one of two choices to make, continue down the road they are on, or take the road that lies within their hearts."



"What does that have to do with me?" He asked her "I'm nobody special, heck, I am nobody. There are tons of people out there, plenty of people who you can choose from. I have nothing to give....."



"That's where you are wrong." she said, finally turning to face him "I have been watching you for a while Anthony, and you have such potential within you, you just have to look within yourself and let it out! I came to this city because I felt that there was someone with a great potential within them, and it took some looking to find you. I see a person's untapped potential like a bright light, and the greater the potential, the greater the light, if it is suppressed, that can also increase it. You see, the potential is looking for it's own way out as well, and it does it's best to shine bright in the hopes that the person it is within will notice that light, accept it, and move forward. Sometimes though, if a person has been mistreated often enough, when they are beaten down on a mental and emotional level, they can't see that light, regardless of how bright it shines, and, after a while, that light gets snuffed, because it has used so much of itself to try to get noticed, that, one day, there is just nothing left."



"You are close to that point Anthony," She says, looking down at her feet "I can tell you have such great potential, but someone, at some point in your life, broke your spirit of adventure, made you doubt yourself, question your own self-worth to the point that you have a hard time accepting that you have anything to give, and, even for what you know you can, you just can't seem to give yourself permission to just follow that path, because to do so is to be selfish, because you are thinking of yourself, but you couldn't be more wrong! Doing something for yourself is not a selfish thing. I have been watching you for a while, and I have seen how selfless you can be, and I can see the struggle you go through daily, trying to be true to yourself, but afraid to go that extra step and actually allow yourself the chance to be happy, to be free. You've worked minimum wage jobs, not doing anything other then existing day-to-day. You have few friends, mainly people that you know will treat you as equals, though on occasion, trouble finds you, and you have a difficult time setting up healthy boundaries. Your cross-road is here. Your light reached its peak, and if you don't accept it now, you will continue down this road, unhappy, probably alone, and still unable to let yourself go, to forgive yourself for what you couldn't possibly have been able to do, and to give yourself permission to pursue that which you can!"



"but..." he begins to say, but she puts one furred finger over his lips.



"No buts my dear" she says, smiling down on him "I must tell you, we don't always go this far when helping a person, but you are much more to me then just someone close to the edge, I have looked inside of your heart, gone into your dreams, and I can see what the true you looks like, and he is a magnificent man! Your selflessness can be an asset, and help you with the road before you, it can keep you humble where others may fall prey to Ego. Your ability to find things will also help, for it will lead you to where you need to be. The fact is, I want to be there along the way, I want to not only help you find your path once more, but to be by your side along the road. I can't help you with all that lies before you, but I can be there for you when you need someone to remind you of the good you can do, to remind you that you are a good person, to remind you that it is okay to be selfish at times, and selfless at others, and I wish to be there so that you are never alone."



"You are such a magnificent person Anthony," she says, raising his chin so she can look him in the eye "And the future holds such wonder for you, and I would be honored to be a part of it, but you have to make a choice: continue to live as you do, simply existing day-to-day, or do you want to live, and truly enjoy life? The choice is yours, stay as you are, or give yourself permission to grow. I cannot make this decision for you, nor can I be part of the reason you make this decision."



"Choose."



Anthony stood there, looking up into her eyes, seeing into the depths of her heart. He had never felt this before, nobody had ever confronted him in this way, and it was a little bit scary, but, there was something else to it, something greater. He knew what she was talking about, he knew he was just existing, day-to-day, going to work, then going home, sometimes talking with his friends on the phone, or online, but his life had become a monotony of simple existence, and he realized how disgusted with it he had become. He had become comfortable with this way of life, with listening to the voices in his head, the imagined scenarios that always played out instead of his just trying to go for it. Why couldn't he give himself permission to move forward? What was so wrong with making those steps forward, with letting go of the daily-routine, and shaking his world up, if it meant that he could be happier, not just because this beautiful woman wished to be part of it, but because it would give him a chance to truly be happy, and didn't even HE deserve a chance to be happy?! He always heard from others that the Greater Creative Force, regardless of the name, face, gender, wished for all of it's creations to be happy, and if that truly meant ALL of creation, then didn't it make sense that, since HE was part of creation, that HE deserved to be happy as well?! If the Universal Rule was for all to be happy, and to find their bliss, then why was he denying himself the chance to be happy as well?! That he would have this wondrous creature before him along by his side, would make things all the sweeter. She was right though, this decision had to be his, completely, utterly, absolutely, His.



"What do I need to do?" He asked her, a determined look upon his face.



"Give me your arm." she said, and he offered her his left arm. She rolled his sleeve up to the shoulder. "I will do my best to make this quick." and with that, she bit him.



At first, he felt nothing, then, slowly, he felt a rush of energy fill his body from that arm through the rest of him like waters bursting through a breaking dam! Again and again, he felt pure, raw power wash through him, knocking him backwards, Jade's arms on him the only thing holding him upright. Strangely enough, he started to realize that this energy surging through him came less from the bite on his arm, and more from some place in his mind. He could feel doors unlocking, chains breaking, long-locked away wishes and dreams coming forth from the hidden depths of his mind, and he welcomed them as one would an old friend. Tears streamed down his face at the realisation of all he had put aside in his life, all of the plans he had made as a child, all the things he avoided by listening to the words of someone who's only goal in life was to stop him from moving forward. Guilt and shame swept over him as well, for not giving himself the permission to take the chances when life kept presenting them, for continuing to hold himself back, even once his father was no longer in the picture.



Then, a new emotion swept through him: Joy, for finally letting go of the burdens of the past, for finally accepting that He had a reason to live life to the fullest, for finally giving himself Permission, to grow, to enjoy, to move forward, to accept all that life was bringing to him. The Joy wrapped him up in a blanket of warmth, surrounding him, filling him, holding him close, cradling him, whispering promises of greater Joy in the future. He saw within the child he had always been, hidden away, wrapped in the shadows of his pain, and he called him forth, bringing him into the light, promising him that the dark would not have any more sway, that he would always be there, to help and protect, to become the man that was coming forth from deep within, from that place where dreams are born, and wishes are a reality. Gone was the hurt, the pain, the discomfort, the needless trappings of a man so caught up in his own pains that he could only find solace by inflicting it upon others. He had no further use for those things, and as he let them go, he felt a great weight drop from his shoulders, one he never realized, consciously, was there. He felt stronger, more confident, sure of himself, and he could see the direction that had been calling him forth for so long.



As he opened his eyes, he noticed that something had changed. No longer was he looking upwards to see Jade's face, but slightly downwards, and not because she had changed back. With this realisation, he started to notice the other changes. He could feel strength throughout his body, muscles, much more well defined. His clothes, slightly loose before, now strained with each breath he took in, his feet felt oddly trapped by his shoes and socks, he could feel the claws retracted within his fingers, and the knowledge that it would take very little to pop them out, his glasses felt awkward upon his face and muzzle, and the lenses seemed to make everything he looked at through them blurry. He realized that he could hear things just a little more sharply, smell things, scents he had never smelled before. His tongue brushed against teeth now changed to more resemble fangs. He had changed. Fur lined his body, grey and black, and he felt a huge discomfort as he realized that he had grown a tail, and it was trapped in his pants.



She looked slightly up to look into his eyes, reaching up to remove his glasses.



"Well," She said, smiling "this is a pleasant surprise. Seems that one of your biggest needs, desires, was for change. I can't say as I have ever seen such a strong desire manifest in this way." She slowly stepped back, and walked around him. "How do you feel?"



He looked down at his body, his hands. "Strange..." he said, noticing that his voice had deepened.



"Strange good, or stange bad?"



"Just, strange..." he said, trying to get used to his new form "I guess, good. I feel better then I have in a long time, like, I am finally free. I feel like a huge weight is gone, one I didn't even realize I had. Everything seems so much clearer, much more solid. I feel alive."



"Well," she said, once more in front of him, sizing him up "I certainly never expected to find one of my kind amongst the humans."



"One of your kind?" he asked "You mean to tell me....." He couldn't finish the statement.



"well, I can't be certain," she said "with such a strong buried desire for change, maybe since I was so close to you, you took that form to match, but your scent...it was buried deep before, but now, I can almost taste it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see." she took his hand in hers when she saw the look of concern in his eyes "It's okay though. You will get use to the changes, and you won't have to deal with any of this on your own, I'm here for you."



He took comfort in her words, and her touch. She smiled up at him, and he knew, deep within, that he was never going to be alone again, or have to face it all on his own. She reached up with both of her hands, cradling his face, and kissed him, and he returned the kiss, holding her tight to him. Then, they walked home together, arm-in-arm.



It had been three years since that moment, and he had no regrets. The day after, she had helped him pack up and move in to her place, he gave notice to his job, and got himself into school. He had found his calling, doing therapeutic work on others, his gift for finding things showing him where a person's body required attention, even when the person didn't realize it. His ability to put others before him became more streamlined, less about putting people before himself, but about putting people's discomfort first, and focusing on releasing it. He didn't sleep as much anymore, but found he did quite fine, even without. He felt better about himself then ever in his past, and he had made great strides towards his continuing growth. It wasn't always easy, but then again, it was no longer that hard either. He had taken great strides in reclaiming his personal freedom, making peace with his mother, and tomorrow, he would be seeing the father he hadn't had anything to do with since he was 15. He wasn't sure what he would say, but he knew one thing for certain; he wasn't afraid. She had talked about going with him for this part of his personal healing, and while he did appreciate her coming along, let her know that it was something he had to take care of, on his own. For now though, the night stretched out before him, calling for him to come out and take pleasure in it, and he gave himself Permission to do just that.....tomorrow would come, but tonight was here, and it was his!