The Way You Loved Me Then

I want to be caressed. I want someone to hold me the way you used to when you still loved me and only me with your whole heart. I need it the same way we all do. I want to be able to give it back the way I used to too. I want to write you sweet love letters that showed just how much I laid my heart on my sleeve for you. I want to close my eyes and dream of a better future with you, one with a white dress and a beautiful garden made just for two timeless love birds like us. I want to feel warm and light, as the feeling of love just fills me up and the world shines in bright colors again.

I wish I could slip those rose-colored glasses on again, and clear my mind of all the knowledge I know now, starting again, would be so generous. The way you smiled just for me, the light in your big brown eyes, so warm and loving. I miss all of those things about what used to be us. Us now is, what exactly? What is left of us?

The routine of being together, the empty ‘I love you’s,’ and the fake ‘we’re perfect together.’ Yet there is still no ring. Still, no promise of the wonderful dreams of the future and the fire of ambition is dead. Content is a hard thing to be. We strive for it but when we finally achieve it, what does it cost? You want more and more until you’re so far deep that you don’t know how to go back.

The love we have now is a content love. But it’s also dull and permanent. It’s a failsafe, that no matter what happens in life if you don’t take a chance you can keep being content. Yet whilst I am being this level of content, life is passing by, fleeting even, and if there is no tomorrow, no future, then am I wasting my time here?

Every now and then I feel this sort of clarity before it’s lost and becomes buried under all the, ‘you’re overreacting and, how could I lose this?’ My emotions seem numbed down, fake layers on top of the real ones, telling me it’s all fine when I know it’s not really fine. Sometimes, when you’re in love, you forget what being in love really means.

The idea of starting again with someone new is terrifying. Learning how to live with someone new in your life, when you’ve already spent years into being with someone else is scary, so we try to convince ourselves to stay when we really know we shouldn't. Sometimes, time is the only friend that can tell us for sure whether someone is right for you or not.

Lil.