Just need to write

I’ve looked everywhere for a place to just write! A place where maybe others that don’t know me or may know me, can just read my thoughts! I have so much built up inside that I need to share. I hope this is the place that I can do that!

So as my first entry, it’s simply to express something that is easier to write than say.

To love wholeheartedly, it hurts. To find someone that you instantly “click” with isn’t always so common. When I clicked with someone a few months ago, I never knew it would be for such a short time.

Easter Sunday. Church, family, friends, kids, Easter eggs, new connections. I went to my husbands uncles house this past Easter after church to gather for an Easter egg hunt and meet more of his family. We’ve been married 14 years, but my husband has a small family, but also a spread out, not so close knit, family. We arrive, and I meet a few newbies. I don’t guess they were newbies, they were his family. I suppose I was the newbie, the outsider, the out of place person. I never felt that way at all though. I met his 2nd cousin. She was about 15 years older than me, but when I say we had an instant connection, I mean instant! I sat and talked to her for hours that day like we had known each other our entire lives! Not a minute of awkwardness or shyness in either one of us. We talked, laughed, joked, and even started making plans! We had figured out that she would come back to our hometown on her weekends off and we would hangout! I was so excited! I made a new friend!

A few weeks passed, and my new friend was coming home again! I made plans to go visit. We sat outside, drank coffee, talked, laughed, watched my kids play and just had an amazing time! We did this every few weeks and every time I would leave, I was already looking forward to her next visit!

The visits were always the same. Talking and laughing and just feeling like we had known each other for forever. I’m not the kind of person that just clicks with everyone. I get along with everyone, usually, but not in a bonding type of way. It was different with Kim. There was a connection. Maybe that connection comes with people of similar pasts and backgrounds. One word someone used to describe Kim a few days ago was “broken”. I sat and I thought as I heard that adjective used to describe my new found friend, and it hurt. It hurt that people said this beautiful soul was broken. I didn’t see broken! I saw loving, caring, funny, strong and beautiful. Then I thought, maybe I’m somewhat “broken” also then. Maybe that’s why the connection was so instant and a void had been filled! Fine, we can say we are “broken” together.

Today, I truly feel “broken”. 8 days ago, my friend and I sat and talked and drank coffee and laughed and vented. She didn’t feel well that day, but she still sat with me as we entertained each other and let my kids play. 8 days ago, I hugged her and told her to make sure she let me know when she was back in town to visit with her mom, so I could come see her. We made plans. We would be visiting again in about 6 weeks. I left and headed to my parents for a Labor Day cookout. The following morning, Kim left to go home to make a doctors appointment and get some rest to go to work that night.

I never thought Tuesday morning that I would receive a text message that killed part of my soul. It simply stated “Kim died last night”. WHAT?! Kim?! Kim who!? Not MY Kim! Sadly, it was my Kim. My friend. My friend never made it to work Monday night and co-workers were concerned because she never doesn’t just show up or call. Tuesday morning, my friend was found on her floor in her house. She had a heart attack. My heart was crushed and it still is. I cried all day that Tuesday and every day since. How could my friend be gone?

I have blamed myself for this for a week. That Sunday, she didn’t feel well. She was having chest pains and nauseous and arm pains. I asked her to let me take her to the ER. She didn’t want to go. I wonder why I didn’t just insist. Maybe I should have called an ambulance, or tricked her into going. So many what if’s go through my mind now. I am a a Christian. I believe in Gods will. I believe everything happens for a reason and everything happens in Gods time, not ours. I believe God placed Kim in my life for a reason, even if it was too short of time. I will miss her for forever, but I will never forget the time we got to spend together.

Fly high my sweet “broken” friend! I know you are whole again and perfect in every possible way! Until we meet on that beautiful shore.