expiry

I push the tip of my toe in the water. I then found myself in a reversal universe. Time flashes before my eyes. I saw myself in a hospital, with a bible in my hand, verses in my brain. My mother at my side reasuring me. My eyes squeeze shut and my life turns to a frozen hell. I didn't want to love, didn't want to care, didn't want to feel. I found myself shut off from my own humanity. I cried and cried. I literally lost myself in tears and suffering. I dip my whole bottom half into the water. Times speeds further back and scenery changes. There I find myself on the shower floor. I was suffering and I thought even for a second how God had given up on me. Why, why why?? I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I remember then suffering from PTSD and how I couldn't stop seeing flashbacks. I remember thinking I was better off dead and that I couldn't possibly matter. My eyes would often wonder to the skies and I yearn to be somewhere else. My whole body is now beneath the bluish water. My eyes are open and I refuse to breath as the flashbacks keep coming. One day, I was just here and then I wasn't. My lungs are tired from holding my breath and I allow my watery death enter me slowly. My once closed self harm wounds open, they are on fire as the salt pushes it's way into them. No one could imagine my suffering, maybe they didn't try. So, here I am. Gone, yet not completely there. My heart still pumps blood, yet i'm still uncertain of life. I continue to live and maybe not entirely for myself anymore..