Depression

Every thought, that I'm thinking.
Is running wildly inside of my head.
And it's overwhelming me.
To the point, I'm about to lose control.
Which would land me back in the hospital.
Either badly injured, or in a terrible mental state.
I never could express my feelings.
They've been building up for seven years.
Now they have exploded and I lost everything.
My relationship with my boyfriend...
And the friendship with others have been ruined.
Because I bottled everything up, to the point they
explode like a grenade, destroying everything in the way.
I'm not crazy, just lost and I need a hand to lead me back to the right path.
I could never express how I felt, except through poetry.
So, here I am spilling out my heart and what I truly feel.
Since age thirteen, I never thought that I was good enough.
I always tried being someone that I'm not, just so that someone would like me.
That lead me into bad situations, that I blame myself for.
Most of the situations I got into, isn't my fault.
The pain that I received, I didn't deserve.
But all of these years, pain stuck in my head.
And that's why I began self-harming in the first place.
Every negative word that someone has told me.
Dug a hole in my brain and stayed.
I lost my self-esteem and confidence.
At times, I get defensive and fight people.
That's how I push people away, to protect myself.
Even till this day, I shove the ones I care about into the distance.
So, that my heart won't feel that pain again.
Now, I realize that holding onto the past and the pain from it...is making me miserable.
It's causing me to ruin relationships with my boyfriend and friends.
I'm not sure, how to move forward from what I've been through.
It's been a burden, that is slowly killing me each and every day.
I'm my own worse enemy and I've seen that.
I caused myself, the most pain....and I think that I'm
ready to finally let everything that has happened go.
And start a new life....I want to be happy.
I don't want to be sad and miserable anymore.
Yet, I'm the one that never tried to get better.
I thought being sad and miserable would stop others from hurting me.
But....the one that is hurting me, is myself.
Not anymore....I am ready to accept reality and choose happiness.