Letter to Mom

Dear mom,

I am writing you this letter, because I do have the courage to disappoint you the way I am about to. I hope that one day you will be able to understand what I am going through right now and to accept who I am.

Growing up in our Russian family I have always heard that being anything from the LGBTQ+ spectrum was a sin. Not in a biblical way but a sin against nature, as there was only Adam and Eve, not Adam and Adam or Eve and Eve. Which back in the day I was brainwashed enough to believe and even understand? However throughout the years I have learned more about this community, which I am currently a proud member of, so I learned to understand that all people are beautiful and are valid.

The day I told you that I like girls, you looked me in the eye, whilst I was crying, and told me that was horrible and that it should be fixed. That all I needed was a true hunk of a man that would show me how a true man is supposed to be, not knowing that the is the complete opposite of what I need. See mom, I don't think you realise how much I have tried to be that daughter. I have dated men and tried to be attracted to boys the way I was to girls. However it never worked out, because I was too "alpha" for them to handle me.

At age 14 wanted to express that by wearing the clothes I felt comfortable in however I once saw just how uncomfortable you felt when I was buying mens shoes or a mens belt. I was terrified of disappointing you (which I admit, I have done enough) and tried to be more of the daughter you deserve to have. I dressed more feminine with a touch of masculinity with the excuses that those clothes just fit my body better or they were comfy to wear, but mom, I just cannot lie to you or myself anymore.

Today, I am 21 years old, living alone and I have a steady full time job abroad, however I have never felt so much fear as I do now. I am not afraid of who I am, because I love the person I am and I will do everything I have to so that my body will match my personality. Yes mom, you guessed it ... your daughter is your son now. It is taking so much energy to deal with the idea that when I finally have the gutts to face you, I might get disowned and forgotten about.

I know that the community is not too acceptive of anything like this and I do not expect you to accept it right away. Perhaps one day, when I am finally the man I was born to be and see me being confident and happy, you will understand and try to accept me. Please ask me questions, I will gladly answer all of them, but please mom... Don't shut me out... I bet you're glad dad isn't around to read this, he would have opened a can of whoop ass on me before I could even pronounce the word transgender.

I am sorry for so many things I have put you through in life. I apologize for all the fights, arguments, misunderstandings. I am so so sorry that I did not finish university as you wanted at least one of your children to succeed in it. But let's face it mom, I was never the academic type. Most of all, mom, I am sorry to put shame on this family.

See E. has already given you a grand son and is happily married. Y. has already given you twoo grand daughters and is happily married. You got the best of both worlds, now I would like to have my happy life... I want to get married to a beautiful woman who will love and support me. With whom I could have children later on. Just please, do not give me/us a hard time later on in life, okay? I respect your opinions and that you need your time to heal but I also hope you respect me enough to try and understand my position.

Once our friends find out that I am a transgender, they will judge and point fingers at you and me. But mom, please do not worry about me because I am prepared for it. I beg of you, do not give yourself a hard time. This is in no way your fault, as I can imagine that will be your first thought. Just remember that your kid is happy and will become whole again. You are my hero in life and I love you so much that you cannot imagine just how painful it is to hold all of this back from you. You are my best friend, my rock, my universe. But for now, I will have to cut ties with you for a little. Because I do not know when or how I will be able to tell you what is going on. Please mom, be patient.

Sincerely,

your child Leon.