Night Owl

During my struggles, I had never been much of an early bird, but I had spent an entire night awake until I saw the sun rise the next day. Sometimes several nights. I had never been much of a morning person, but I had made waffles at 4 am with sleep being the furthest thing from my mind.

The fact is that, I've never really been one for sleep. Not even before my struggles. I've always had too much on my mind that I would've rather dwelled on then let go of. I've always chosen to overthink past mistakes or impossible scenarios until I had gone mad. It's never been a favorite quality of myself, but I never used to be as restless as I am now. Before using, I would always find my way to sleep. After 7 months of sobriety though, I'm more restless now, than when I was using. Perhaps it's guilt. Perhaps I just miss the hell out of it. I just want it out of my head. I regret ever making me this restless.

I've learned to find outlets. Running. Writing. Cooking. I'll try to find the simplest pleasures in any distraction to keep me from making the past mistakes that ironically kept me up every night even then. Then, however, I never wanted to sleep. I wanted to be awake. It was all apart of the addiction. Now, all I want is to sleep. I should be able to. I'm sober. I'm exhausted from working every day. I'm happy.

I won't make that mistake again. I can't. I'm starting to understand why people relapse though. It's heartbreaking. Much like this piece that I'm writing right now, my mind is scattered. Tired. I just want to sleep.